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Dan even the nursing home - is still a bugger. I take him out usually to Aprils house , I have not ,and today confirms it , taken him or even talked about the remodel being done on the house. Now for certain I won't let him poison that house to -I need a sanctuary. Not a jail. I picked him up at noon we got something to eat came over to aprils- and he fell asleep - yes he rested so comfortable while I did not. Then he wokeup and decided NOW he was gonna watch a movie. he slept through one... but of course the poor me look came out making me feel the queen bitch.

And the nursing home ticked me off. I bought Dan 4 see of sheets and 4 mattress pads. They do not provide mattress pads and the sheets are not nice at all. I marked them ( i know some will ask that question) - but Dan has had this blood infection. I took hime to fargo and they got a pic line in and removed the port... anyhow it is hot here in the dakotas and humid.. so a urinal is a breeding ground. I had taken Dan out yesterday - to aprils cabin and then to church then out to eat and back to the nursing home. I get there the urinal has urine in it.. It didn't magically clean or empty itself while were gone... Arghhh so I take the urinal , rinse it out , sanitize the neck of it . and come back dan had peed the bed. GOD i was so ticked .. so I put the light on- no one - i want to leave but can't cause i don't want leave him laying in urine- it is obvious they don't care about that... so I change his sheets and mattress pad, - I threw the soiled stuff into the hall. along come a girl and asks is this stuff dirty ? well duh, so i told I emptied Dans urinal, changed his sheets, and mattress pad and for all that i get the luxury of paying 10 grand a month. and the kids are not helping no one wants to go see dan. everyone is busy, leaving as always it all up to me... we are all he has. Yes he is a jerk, but why not do it for me if not for him. All I want is some one to visit him a hour or two a week so i don't have to .. I am at the point of advertising - 50 bucks to go visit dan maybe that would motivate some one...

Is this it? Is this all I get for the rest of my life. Never ever getting a break, I had kids young ( not anyones fault i know) but I bit my tongue and raised them mostly alone - cause dan was married to any job he ever did. Got the kids to the point they were out of the house , in college or close to be grown. Have a year of many illness's my self an here comes the stroke. Now I am just stuck with this life which i have come hate.

And I hate that I hate it.... why can't I just be the kind of person who can just devote their life to the end years of my husband.... I can't i am 48 years old - Dan can live to be 80 - I just can't look at 3 decades of misery. Some days I just want to walk away from all of it, the kids, the grand kids, and this shamble of life i have...

Yes i am crying , upset, angry, ashamed of crying, being upset and angry..

I will and am OK - I guess I am at the angry part of all this crap that happened ... the problem won't end - so i either adapt or just go crazy... crazy didn't work out so well. and mental health wise I feel better than I have in a long time... and since my depression starts with mania- then I worry am i manic, for having a good day or a bad day? Always second guessing myself - but it is a 50/50 crap shoot... life in the really bumpy, pot holed , broken cement kinda way.. What fun gem I am... lol... I hate the mirror... Nancy


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Oh Nancy, so sad that there seems to be no real solution after all.  No matter how hard we try to do the right thing!  I hope you're feeling a little better by now at least?

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I was in your frame of mind yesterday. I need a good, solid cry. Thing is, I am afraid if I start, I will not stop. I try not to second guess but would just like a break from this endless stroke circle that has become my life - our life, really. Prayers honey, always.

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Seems there must be cheaper places for him to stay that don't clean his room, rather than paying a fortune for no service.   Some supervisor needs to know how long you were gone and how it was all still dirty when you got back.   I'd me really mad too - they are being PAID to do these things, it's their job.

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I feel so sorry for the carers. And I also feel so proud of them. They should all get medals. Ppl who have not suffered a stroke, or been impacted by stroke, cannot fully understand what affect it has.

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Nancy I am so sorry to hear your are going through this.  I can so relate to the nursing staff not doing their job, the kids not visiting their dad.   I have found out that the "high end nursing homes" around here are the same with staffing.  The CNA's or techs, etc.  do not make much money, therefore there is a big turn around and most of the time have that "I don't care attitude".


You did the right thing though, as you could not continue to care for Dan with all his needs.  You can only do so much.


Take care and I will keep you both in my prayers.



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Nancy, we care! have your scream, cry, shout, and then get our back on your

horse. We know what you are feeling and Kids of today are selfish. Life

goes on. I know this "strom" have been going on for a while, but my Mom

would say "nothing goes on for ever".


Yov are in my prayers



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