One day I happily shopped for Newborn layette stuff for my first grandchild. My daughter chose little clothing items with a little dog on them and a matching stuffed doggie music box that played How much is that doggie in the window. Tiny doggie booties. Small blankets and beanies to swaddle our tiny baby boy. I fell asleep that night thinking about my daughter's birth and first little days so filled with joy that any problems drifted So far away we seemed untouchable from the outside circle.

Then another darker time oozed in full of jealousy, bitterness,fear. Talk turned into chaos. I floated in space untethered into darkness. Why were my clear words turning into tangles. The past spoken not my past. Must be a dream again about Alice in that ridiculous book. Not my book. I cannot read through tears. All I know for sure is that I am trapped in a coloring book. I will never see the little tiny things filled with new life, new hope. The day turned sour burning. Leaving and endings I am blindsided with. If there is any reasoning I will not see? How did we drive down the street from the beauty shop to the Baby Store to look at diaper bags and wander into Secrets? Where is that window with the doggie?

So now I am alone. Entombed in chambers with bingo. How did my family disappear? If I walk far enough will they come for me? I fell into sleep and awakened in the wrong reality. I keep sleeping to find them. But I wake and they are gone.grown.And I am in a place where talk is unnecessary. And Peace surrounds like air I am in and within me. The cost of love.