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i am asking for advice please


ksmith

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I am going through a tough time right now with trying to explain to my ex husband that being divorced and me being disabled, doesn't mean I am available for watching our son all of the time. His ( ex) theory is because I am his mother, I am supposed to be with our son when there is a need. I have tried to explain to my ex husband that just because the fact we get along doesn't mean that I must be here for his need of child care. No matter how much I try to explain to him that being divorced means we each live apart and start our own lives. I explained that I'm here watching hlm live his. Granted he doesn't go out during the week for he works but still, he's moved on. The saddest thing is i explained to him that our son is the one being hurt here because he is getting used to seeing his mom and dad always together. In the same house.I love being with my son and I also see him every other weekends during school and split summers. We only live 30 mins apart. I've tried to explain I needed a separation from ex. No matter what, I will ALWAYS be my sons mother. I just feel that I'm willing to start a new life be ex isn't wanting to give up free child care. And i understand that we share a son but we can share a son apart. Am i wrong? I could write more but My mind and fingers don't work well together lol

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Kelli, if there is an agreement between you and you ex about custody for you son then that is the document you need to cite.  If you are doing extra childminding then you need to be doing it as a PAID job as it is not included in your agreement. I am going through the opposite with my son, he wants to be the custodian of his daughter and has in his opinion too little contact.  I guess there is no middle road on this one so it has to be based on what was agreed on previously.

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Hope the two of you get it worked out what ever has to be done since you two are just 30 minutes apart and your son really heeds both of you  so I pray you and hubby can somehow work things out for your son's benefits at his age.... I know he feels lost and left out sometimes from your place to his dad's place.....

 

Life is tough sometimes for kids.... I been in those shoes before for sure....

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Kelli :

 

you have to really ask yourself & look within yourself whats actually bothering you. for sake of your child u being there for him us a good thing but being divorced & him moved on & having girlfriend you got right to move on too so maybe you should get paid for babysitting for your time & inconvenience, U bet once u ask for money he will find help somewhere else.

 

Asha

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I can't really advise you because I don't have enough information. I don't know, for example, the age of your child or the specifics of whatever custody arrangement you have. But I do know this: The focal point should be on your son, period. He's the kid (presumably) in this situation and whatever kind of tug-of-war is going on between you and your ex should not come at his expense. If he picks up on the bickering he is likely to think he is unwanted and unloved. That's a tough pill to swallow. You say you enjoy spending time with your son. So what's the problem? Is it that you don't want your ex getting a free ride? That's understandable but if you focus on your son rather than on your ex I think your problem will disappear pretty quickly. Good luck to you.

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Sometimetimes Showing works better than Telling.

 

Hugs and prayers. You deserve to live happily ever after in your own story.

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This is going to be hard, because people don't want to hear it.... but they ask.    You're asking people that don't know anything about the particulars and wanting agreement.   It don't work that way, unless you are asking for 'yes men' answers, and not truth.   Isn't your husband doing 'free child care' all week during evenings, while working during the day, and splitting week-ends?    It's not babysitting if it's your baby, it's not 'child care' if it's your child.   It's parenting.   You don't give the child's age, and you don't tell how many hours a week you each watch him.   The only clue you give is that he is trying to get on with his life, and if you won't watch your own child, then.... he can't get on with it?    Is it really about payback and making sure he doesn't get on with it?    If you have plans and he expects you to cancel because he's got something to go to, then I see your point.    If he mostly has the child of unknown age, and you are sitting there anyway, because you have not found someone else, and so you resent that he has and are not willing to be with your child so he can go out, then you are not divorced in your mind, you are still holding on to him.    No mother should get paid to be with her child, what's the message with that?    If you have plans or don't feel good, just say, "oh, I'm sorry, I have plans already" -  but it really sounds like you're sitting on him because here you are stroked out and he isn't with you.     Yes, that stinks, but I don't know the reason for your divorce either, so I can't say too much about it, except I know that many strokers resent that they had a stroke and are now stuck, and family members are receivers of that resentment.  I also know that many spouses flee the scene, when serious things like strokes happen.     I also know that some strokers are so testy with their spouses that the spouses flee because they can't take it anymore.   All or any of these things happen to different people.    No one knows your circumstances.    Most people who divorce, the child is with the mother, not the father.   I'm guessing he has him because of your stroke (you didn't say, again).    No, you can't share childcare APART.   You insist you each live apart and start your own lives - what does that mean?    How are you including your child in that?    Just what is having your child with you stopping you from doing?    Were you going out that night?   Do you work in the day?    Is it all you can do to crawl home, and eat and sleep?    You need to provide these details with such a serious question, because you are not a babysitter, you are a mother, but I think your resentment for your husband not being with you, is using your child to pay him back.   I would understand resenting your husband, but your child is the innocent bystander that is getting thrown out with the wash water here.   Your child is not a job, he is priviledge, and will be gone before you know it, and with a head full of feeling like the hot potato that you didn't want because it cut into your private life.  (of doing what?  you haven't said)    Your husband has him all week and half the weekends...... so 2 weekends a month are too much to be a mother, you can't take any more hours of it than 2 weekends a month?   Please speak clearly, if you want to be understood, and not just polite answers of people not knowing how to answer.    I'm sorry you are hurt, I'm sorry you had a stroke, I'm sorry you have a child stuck between you.    If only I could go back in time, and spend more time with my son before he grew into a man, and no longer needed a mother to watch over.   Those were the most fulfilling days of my life, watching my son grow.

 

  You mention your son is being hurt by always seeing you 2 together?   Why is that?   If you are watching because he is going out, why are you being seen together?    If you are dropping by his house all the time (don't know) and ex comes home from work and you are there making dinner - then you did that?    Don't want to be there making dinner for ex?   Have son at your house and you 2 eat dinner and then he goes home with dad gets home.

 

 You are putting you son in the same 'sink or swim' boat as your husband, and he doesn't deserve it, unless it's his fault you got divorced.    You can't hold your EX husband by trying to make sure he doesn't go out, but your son is yours forever, unless you alienate him... and it happens....

 

If any of this seems unfair, remember you didn't give much explanation at all.   Just that husband is going out and you already see son 2 weekends a month, and don't want more.

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Kelli,

Divorce is never easy for anyone, especially given your stroke.  I do not envy the challenges.

 

My parents were divorced when I was 10 and it was devastating but we survived, poorly, though.  I never saw my dad for 10 years and soon after he died. 

 

I got divorced after 20 years, before I ever had a stroke, so I can imagine how horrid it is to have both issues.

 

What I do know is there will always be a lifeline between you and the ex.  That is actually a therapeutic term for the situation, because many think divorce is a solution and do not realize it does not end the relationships.   I envy that in some ways for you as my ex totally walked away and left me and children behind.  Now of course he regrets it but there was never a lifeline and there needs to be one.

 

It sounds like you both have a good lifeline, but he is taking advantage of it and you do need to speak out, as you stated to ask for what you want and get a working arrangement with the hope that you both can benefit from the relationship.  Mostly your son seeing two grownups getting along and able to corporate with each other is so healing for his later life and intimate relationships.  You are his role models and your good heart has been doing a good job to maintain a working relationship with ex.  

 

I imagine it might be sad for your heart to see him moving on, if you still have feelings in that way for your ex.  I hope for a uplifting future for you soon.  For you all.  Keep the faith! 

 

ps,  maybe he could bring you some great food in for meals as payment and to help with your grocery bill.  Just a thought for your life improvement.

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Sandy, you sometimes have to read a few previous blogs to find out details, like Kelli's son is 13, she is being asked to mind him three days a week as well as her two access weekends and she is doing it is in the house she lived in with the ex.  So that brings back memories for her and she feels strange because of course it is no longer "her" home.  I do understand this well as a girlfriend of mine is going through something similar. Sometimes you have to say:  "I don't think doing it this way is appropriate now." and work out a new way of giving their son what he needs, security but with some idea of separation as well.

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