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Progress became very slow...


HostTracy

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After my stuttering incident, I noticed that I had slipped backwards quite a bit. My emotions were all over the place and I honestly stayed away from family and friends for quite a while. During the beginning of the stuttering I had postponed my therapy, PT and Speech. I know I definitely should have stayed in speech it probably would have helped but I felt so out of control every second of the day that I had huge anxiety from it. Everything that I had been working on slowly slipped backwards. My scheduling which I had been very successful at just was so hard now that I know I avoided it. Walking every day was routine but even that became less and less. I was more off balance, more tired, more stressed, more of everything I didn't want to feel. It was a depressing time. I kinda closed myself off to the world. I finally started to go to a psychotherapist and slowly started to regain my senses and sense of worth. It became my once a week very needed letting go. I really got along great with my therapist and even threw my shoes off and plopped up on the couch every time. He did the same threw his shoes off and plopped up into his big comfy chair. This stroke had changed me in a way...made me timid, quiet, broken. There is no time for that in my fast paced world. I had to learn to slow down though and forgive myself, stand up for myself. I had to learn to put myself first. Seems so easy right? I still struggle. This very logical thing has me twisted and tied all sorts of ways a lot. This is where I realized the stroke didn't cause everything I was going through. Some things I had felt before and if I'm great at anything it's denying there was ever a problem to begin with. Dealing with pre-stroke "stuff" along with dealing with the extremes of the stroke (paralyzing anxiety, emotional lability, to much coming in I can't filter it so I would get very overstimulated. Sometimes I just wanted to scream. The utter exhaustion kept my voice low and quiet...

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Tracy, we all go through a crisis every now and again, due to hormone swings etc, so be easy on yourself and do the best you can with the life you have.  It is all we can do really.

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Tracy, I truly feel that you haven't hit a roadblock though I do feel, as with everyone at some point, as we recover things start to come easier we want to jump ahead by leaps and bounds.I know I felt that way. Don't give up on thinking you are jumping  ahead..

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Tracy, scream, if it makes you better. I remember, when I started moving,

 

and over three weeks was doing great. Every day I go further. One day, I fall

 

and felt so gutted. I remember as I laid there, " do I give up, has my knee

 

was b;eeding, and my pride was hurt. God send me a nice young man, who helped me up and put me on

 

a bench. I took the set back, to make me fight more. Don't you give up, shake it off.

 

Yvonne

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Hi Tracy, I'm just catching up on your blog, it sounds like you've been having a very stressful time. I know it's easier to say than do but try not to beat yourself up, none of us are perfect and we all have times when everything collapses.  So yesterday was bad, get up today and start again, today is a new day. Remind yourself, no one minds how many times you have to start again so long as you don't give up.  Give yourself permission to be less than perfect.

 

Love and hugs

-Heather

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Hi Tracy, when I read your blog, all of your feelings are important (but like Heather said, don't blame yourself).  Your use of the word "broken" to describe your feelings really resonated with me.  That sums up how I felt years ago after my strokes.....but believe me, dear friend, you have a great deal of strength inside you that you may not be aware of yet.  That strength will show up sooner than you think and kick the *ss of the negative feelings!!  Hugs 

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