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Change the Good the Bad



I am here forcing myself to write because I just haven't felt like it but it is good. The last month has been extraordinarily hard and lonely. It's funny how a person really takes on a companion's or spouse's likes and dislikes. Ok at least for me it is. I have pondered on who is Tracy many times this month and what do I like and what do I not like. For the most part I can tell that my partner and my daughter were my big triggers for panic attacks. I have really only had 2 which is better than it has been. My obsessive/compulsive thoughts are less than before I left. I still have fatigue, night time vision problems, a slight stutter, some balance issues, and headaches. 


So I will talk about the bad first. Before I moved from my home and from Adrian, my days were unpredictable and I wondered if we were good. I was paranoid about what he did all the time. I was compulsive, my moods were so up and down. I do know I loved Adrian...and I still do. Unfortunately, it doesn't just stop...go away. The first week of staying with my father were excruciating. Everything I had known and depended on everyday was gone, changed, instantly not the same. I felt odd, like I was in another body...all I could do was feel pain and cry. I contemplated calling him, pleading with him to go back to what we knew...what I knew. This was so difficult not to do. My emotional lability was affected more than ever, sometimes every minute. I think that is how I took steps too...it was minute by minute...hour by hour...day by day. I thought of nothing else. No car, living back with my father, alone, no hope or vision of the future.


Day by day I began to do things. Cook my dinner, wash my clothes, make my bed, decorate my planner, and I began to have a bit of a routine. There were less bouts of crying and hopelessness though this still happened every day. My cat was scared being in a new place and I could barely find her...she would hide. I missed her going to sleep with me each night and generally being there with me. This too got better...she finally felt she had 2 rooms she could feel safe in..the formal livingroom and my bedroom. Then one morning I woke with her laying sleeping by my head. I really almost cried. I still didn't have my own transportation for the first 3 and half weeks. My sister was so wonderful to let me take her 2nd car that she didn't use as my own. It was a nice SUV but had sat for about a year and it had problems now. My mom had it towed to her mechanic and he began working on it until finally one day my mom and step dad surprised me with it. Wow what a day! To feel a kind of freedom for myself meant so much!


I drove for two days before it broke down again and back to the mechanic it went. My mom and step dad were paying to have this vehicle fixed safe for me. I am truly blessed that I came here with 0 (NOTHING) and no way of attaining funds for myself. What a wonderful family I really do have...a place to live because of my father, a car because of my sister, and a working car and even some spending money because of my mom and step dad. I sat back and thought about each thing and how blessed I really am. I am still lonely and it feels hollow. I probably call my mother and step mother more times per week than any person should lol. So slowly and carefully I am emerging...each day is a little better. I am trying to choose the positive things I remember about Adrian and I. It seems like it would be so much easier to just forget everything but after ten years I don't think you can.


"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson


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Tracy forgetting is not necessary, in the end it is all part of your story and you will you really trully actually will look back cherishing laughing your old life because the good parts the reason you married and even these difficult parts belong to you. Time heals you willl see

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Hi Tracy, I just want to echo Pam's response.  All our past experience leads to who we are now. You don't want to forget but you do need to forgive (both yourself and Adrian) and move on.  We've all made decisions and done things that in hind sight were a mistake but they still helped us evolve and going backwards doesn't work.


As you are finding its often hard and lonely but there are people around you who care and who are doing what they can to ease your journey.  You are loved and worth loving. Hang onto that thought, and be the butterfly not the caterpillar.


Also remember we love you too

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Dear Tracy, ditto to all of the above.  Think of your life as chapters; the past chapters will always belong in your book.  The future chapters are unknown, but with all the love and support you're receiving you are going toward many happy stories for your book of life.


So you've begun to do the basics, cooking, laundry, etc.  Make certain that you spend time on yourself.  Style your hair, do your nails, dress in your favorite clothing.....knowing you look your best, will help you feel your best!


Hold your head high, my friend.  :hug:

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Tracy :


I will echo same sentiments others told you. I know when we are in midst of hardship it feels like your life ended, & you will never find your joy in living again but  trust me when I say this, sometimes we go through severe hardship so that something very beautiful can happen in our life. so believe in best is yet to come.  & very important to do

1. have a routine in life (waking up at set time,doing chores, sleeping on set time

2. very important do 30 mins of exercise every day.

3. try to learn something new, there are lot of online courses free on sites like coursera, EDX & so on

4. staying active in support group is also very therapeutic.

5. always count your blessings in the morning or evening.


 I am sure few years down the road you are going to look back & see God's master stroke in your today's hardship





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Thank you to all of you. I don't feel quite as alone when you are all around. I'm going to try to keep positive and not rush for something. Things will start happening in my life and it can only go forward. :smile:

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Wow, Tracy, I didn't know this was going on.    I'm sorry you have had to go thru this.   I am so glad to hear how you are coming back to life, and each day, living it YOUR way, taking a little more back.    You have shown so much strength and bravery, in the face of all this, you will surely keep going and growing, more everyday.   Prayers and virtual hugs, coming your way!

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