Lemme just get all the emotions out at once. I've been pretty terrible lately. It is definitely time to see my shrink. Thank the Lord its Thursday. Let me go through my new range of crazy. I'm depressed, my anxiety gets so high I feel like I will burst, panic attacks almost daily, seeing things, hearing things, scared because I don't know if I am seeing things or hearing things, sense of utter doom Bad Bad Bad, the crickets made me have a panic attack, I keep hearing thunder rumbles but feel to my bones that something horrible is coming...plus I'm not even sure I actually hear thunder but it's there, I have been barricaded in my room 75% of the time lately, sleeping as much as I can, I don't want to be awake, chronic headaches, neck pain...Oh yeah I have that mass on the side of my neck, crying, crying, crying, hyperventilating, completely paranoid, obsessed with trying to find answers on the internet which makes it worse, feel like throwing up a lot, obsessively sanitizing, obsessive in general, oh did I say terrified at times? I think there is more but I'm too tired to write it. So what has happened? Ok so I found out my disability hearing is October 25th good right? My dad was diagnosed with stage 1 non small cell adenocarcinoma of the lungs 'm about a month ago. He has been doing radiation for 2 weeks now and started chemo today. He has a 85% cure rate...another pretty positive note. My extremely narcissist ex boyfriend of 10 years that I left a year ago because he replaced me with a 24 year old 30 years his junior has contacted me twice in the past month. My stepmom is neurotic and a clean hoarder ( I still live with my dad and stepmom for now). I found out today that my dad should be putting the toilet seat down and flushing twice when he uses the restroom. He NEVER flushes pee. He is diabetic, has COPD but in the last month has quit smoking and drinking, has beginning stage kidney disease and now has cancer and has to have poison given to him...radiation M-F...chemo every Monday. He checks his sugar, takes insulin, all without applying alcohol to any place a needle goes and hasn't changed his Lancet in forever. I've been sanitizing as much of where my dad touches as I can because he is overly susceptible to infection plus it is a safety factor for myself and my stepmom. I asked him to flush with the potty seat down tonight (I can flush the 2nd time before I go). He yelled at me and said I am not a Dr. and that the next person can flush after he goes and if they don't like it they can go outside and then told my stepmom they needed to get me a dog outhouse. I am thinking of his exposure or extra exposure as well as mine and my stepmom's. I think he feels ostracized and that I am a reason for that. Sighs....maybe I am. I don't know. I've had to call my mom every night to be talked down including tonight cause I can feel my heart racing and beating so hard. I couldn't get in touch with my daughter for a few days...her phone was cut off and it took a few days to have enough money to turn it on again. I was extremely stressed about it and worried something had happened. Yes this is a total pity cry, pooh blog, or whatever else it can be labeled. It is my reality though at least for the past 3 weeks. Can somebody say thorazine please. I am going to go watch YouTube vvideos of kittens now. Night.