I hate to know what age I will feel at 30!!
I haven't been able to update in a while because life has been so hectic, today I finally had enough so I have to get it out somewhere!
Daddy is still in rehab, although is doing very well and according to his doctor who met with Momma on Wednesday, he will be allowed to come home on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week with only the use of a walker and help with taking a bath. I also assume he will have to be taken to therapy or home health will come out to our house, I'm not sure on their final plans.
I have had a very trying week, Monday I had to have surgery to remove a cyst in my arm and I have stitches in it and it's been painful and annoying. Not to mention every day this week I have helped my Nana babysit and it has also been trying, but I have done the best I can do. I have had school stuff I need to deal with, I need to go by the bank, I need to get my car tag renewed, I have to work all weekend...I feel like I am going 100 MPH yet my Mom just doesn't see any of it and is constantly being critical of my every move.
Her birthday is Monday and her cousin wanted her to go down to Tunica because she had a free room and they could eat and see some shows there and Mom said she couldn't go because there was nobody to stay the night with Daddy. See, the thing is - Daddy is on the rehabilitation floor and normally family members are NOT allowed to stay there 24/7! The doctor's don't really like it because I assume it interferes with their schedule and I can see how Daddy shows out when Mom is there. He thinks being aggrivating is cute & funny and I really feel with all my heart he would do better if Mom would just leave him alone for a little bit. But my Granny insists on Mom being there 24/7 and she only allows Mom 3 hours a day to come home and shower while she stays with Daddy. The relationship between my Granny and I is another blog entry for another day, but she and I have never gotten along and never will.
I have tried to tell Momma that her being up there at the hospital isn't really called for because if that was expected of her then the hospital staff would have told her so and she wouldn't have had to get special permission to stay! But when I tell her this I get to hear about how I am so not concerned about my Father and how I just want to live this carefree life and how if she left Daddy could fall and break his hip and then I wouldn't have a future because I'd have to drop out of school and get a 40 hr a week job because Daddy's disability check would go to the Nursing Home!!!
And people wonder why I am at my wits end!!!!!
I am so tired of my Mom making me feel like I don't care about my family and that I don't try to help, she makes me feel so worthless! I try to tell her everything I write in here, but she doesn't listen to me and she seems like she just doesn't care. The fact that I am 19 years old and have absolutely no desire to go out with friends isn't a concern to her and when I tell her I am emotionally drained and really feel like I would benefit from counseling or something she tells me I need to stop complaining and grow up. I HAVE GROWN UP, I'VE BEEN GROWN SINCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD!!!!!
She constantly throws things in my face! The fact that I am moving back to college in about 2 weeks! She says I'm just going to "go off and have a carefree life!"...YEAH RIGHT! I am attending another Kelly Clarkson concert with my best friend in Memphis, TN...one I paid for with my own earned money and all Momma has done since day 1 is criticize me for going.
I feel like she doesn't want me to have fun and I feel like she has forgotten that I have been grown since I was a little girl!
It bothers me that I am only 19 and I have no desire to hang out with my friends and have fun! It bothers me that I am only 19 and I have to worry about our finances as if it was me who got us into debt! It bothers me that I am made to feel guilty about having a good time when those times are so few & far between! It bothers me that my friends just stop calling because they know I am not going to go out because of the crisis that never ends with us! It bothers me that I am always trying so hard to hide behind jokes & laughter and that I am afraid to just be me because I don't want to break infront of anyone!
I understand that God never promised us a day and that he never said life was going to be easy. I've give this all to God and I know that he will get me through, I just need him to give me comfort in some shape, form, or fashion. I just need the strength to manage this on my own since my Momma doesn't have the ability to understand me or how I feel. I realize this has put a strain on her, and I realize she never asked for any of this either...but I try so hard to understand her and I feel like she does nothing but give me a hard time because she has no one else to take it out on. I just don't understand how she can look at me, her own daughter, and completely ignore me when I am telling her that I need some help...I know if I could just talk to someone it might help me, but she ignores me.
I guess writing about this is more theraputic than anything else, it doesn't talk back to me but its very likely a professional wouldn't know what to say either. I guess sometimes its just beyond the point of talking and you just have to figure it out on your own.