Hey Girl,

Are you an only child?

Now this is only my knee jerk reaction to what you wrote. I am just a middle aged survivor.

First of all, I'm taking a guess that your mom is about maxed out right now on the empathy and compassion. She is dealing with fear. Fear of the financial future, fear of the unknown when your dad comes home. Because "only needing help with bathing could probably mean needing help with a whole lot more.If she is at the hospital most days, she is emotionally drained.

When you try to talk with her, are you careful not to make it all about you? Why can't you contact your county for some help? Are there any therapists at your school you could utilize?

It sounds from your entry thaty your mother resents you. Now I don't have a great relationship with my mother, so I'm a bad one to make judgements on any mother/daughter relationship. I know over the years my mother has wholeheartedly disapproved of many of my choices and what I did. But I did it anyway because it was my life and I answered only to myself.

I hope you can find some common ground and work towards a better relationship with your mom.

Pam

Hi Girl (you got a first name we can use?)

I agree with all that Pam said up above and I'd add that one thing all of us in the stroke community finally have to learn how to do is to forgive one another for things that are said when one or both parties are maxed out on stress. Cleary, your mom is at the point and probably you are too. She is lashing out at you probably because she views you as going on with your life while hers is on hold and the future is so uncertain. I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying feeling that kind of resentment while under so much stress is very common for people in your mom's position.

It's also common to feel like you need to be there every minute of every day to minimize the chances of anything else going wrong. Yes, your mom would greatly benefit from a break with your aunt, but try not to be so hard on her for not seeing the forest for the trees. Her mind-set at this stage of the game is classic and it is fear based.

Keep venting in your blogs if it seems to be help defuse your anger. I know it helps me when I do....

Jean

Jean

Hi and thanks for the replies...

My name is Amanda, btw!

Yes, I am an only child. I know I am spoiled rotten and I'd never try to claim otherwise, I took no offense to anything you 2 said in your replies to me.

I suppose that it hurts me when my Mom takes things out on me because I try so so hard not to take things out on her, rather than yell at her I will go sit in my room and just cry it all out til I feel better or I will write in my journal or now type in my blog, I have found better ways to vent my frustrations.

My Mom seems to vent her's by pointing out every flaw that I have or creating a flaw if she can't find one at that exact moment. She is a very pessimistic person and while I do think a lot of it stems from my Dad's illness...she has yelled at me for being too optimistic before! When I speak to her about things I do my best to not accuse and only use "I" statements....I feel this...I feel that...I feel that if you did this, maybe that would be better...

I try to help her too, I try to give her advice or share uplifting things that I have read but she just never wants to hear it and she only ends up turning it around on me and accusing me of being carefree because I have time to read!

The latest has been her negativity towards my Dad's rehabilitation and it makes me so angry at her and at the same time so sad for him. I call my Daddy every day on the phone and we have good conversations and he told me tonight that it makes him mad when Mom criticizes him because at therapy they encourage him and tell him he is doing well...then Mom comes in with all her gripes and tears all that therapy has done down. No, he may never walk again without the use of a walker but DON'T tell him that! Tell him that while he is using it now, maybe after some more therapy and hard work he won't have to! No, he may not be able to drive again but DON'T tell him that! Tell him that while he is unable to drive now, maybe with therapy and some time he can drive again! Because we don't know what my Father will regain and what he want...but I get so angry that she not only lashes out at me, but also at Daddy who really doesn't need that!

I am certainly not trying to say that I am perfect, I am a far cry from it. I just feel so lost as to what my Mom wants me to do. When I do something to help her, its wrong. When I don't do it because I don't want to mess things up, I don't care enough. I truly feel like she is a miserable person and yes, life has been unfair but it isn't fair to attack me & my Father. I am just as upset and just as frustrated, but you see where I am venting...here, not at her!

Thanks again for your replies, it means a lot! ((HUGS))

HI Amanda....

can you talk to your dads doctor or a counselor there, maybe social services at the hospital or the chaplain. Maybe you could explain some of what you are feeling and some of the things that you say your mom is not being supportive of your dads therapy and her critiscm. Maybe they could take her aside and talk to her a little.

as all the others have said your mom is "reacting" out of fear and she is emotionally drained as you are.. you have found this place to talk and vent. i am sure "she tries to hold it in" and when you come along..BOOM

you get it full force..... your mom definately needs a break...

Bonnie

Hi Amanda,

Well I will say this. My mother is the most negative pessimistic person I know. As a small child, I remember asking her if I had been adopted because we were so different and she was so mean to me. But in spite of how she is, I turned out ok and once I realized I didn't need her approval for anything I did, I was much better off.

There is always that little kid inside that wants Mommy's approval. I know now that my mother will never be a happy content satisfied person. Yes, she drives me nuts and she says awful ignorant thoughtless things to me, but that is her and I no longer allow her to upset me.

Keep working at it Amanda, it hasn't been easy to get to this point I'm at with my mother. I'm now 41. Also when I was 18 I moved out and moved halfway across the country to get away from her. Just try to remember she is a person too, and she is at a low point in her life right now.

Pam

Amanda Honey,

I'm a mom of a 20 year old (Katie) and a 15 year old (Ryan) -and I've been a survivor for almost a year.

Being a mom isn't easy, (and since my stroke my husband has learned that!) Your Mom has probably been in control since your Dad's 1st stroke. I'd bet she made the majority of the decisions, paid the bills, took you to dentist appointments, worried when you were out, cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, etc. etc. - all that "Mom stuff" seems mundane but, it's really very stressful. Throw in a 40 hour a week job and you are looking at "Wonder Woman" ... Now that your Dad's had a second stroke, she's possibly teetering on the brink of losing it.

Holding everything together in a household is a lot like juggling kitchen knives and crystal - you don't want to drop anything and if you handle something the wrong way you'll get hurt. I'm sure she's struggling right now just to stay in control in a bad situation, and your Grandma's "good intentions" aren't helping things either.

As tough as it is to say ... right now, I think you have to give Mom a break. Give her time and your support. You may be the one she's lashing out at now, because it's "safe" for her to choose you. She can't yell at the Doctor's, it sounds like she's intimidated by Grandma, and there's a good chance that she's really angry and hurt inside, and mad at the stroke... not mad at you or your Dad.

Amanda, your Mom has to be a pretty special woman because she and your Dad raised a very intelligent and caring young lady (I've read your posts) - remember that in the toughest moments.

And vent here - call her the "wicked witch" and all that stuff, we will understand ... (Katie once called me a "stupid, stupid ... water buffalo" in a fit of anger, and we both started laughing so hard I can't remember what we were fighting about). We're not Dr.s (except Sandy) but, most of us can relate. We're here for you and we'll listen.

~V

Thank you...

I am not trying to make my Mom out to be some kind of monster, that wasn't my intentions. I am just saying that although my Mom has good enough reason to lash out at me, after 12 years it has done some damage emotionally, thats all. I understand much more now than I did back when I was 7 or 8, but the constant criticism was hurting me as I was being shaped into what I am now and it left some scars.

I like to think of it as a tree you put nails into. You can put those nails there for lots of justifiable reasons..but even after they are removed and people forget about them or why they were ever put there in the first place...those holes are still there in that tree.

So while I love my Mom and I understand she is frustrated and she has every reason to be, things she says to me at times stay with me long after she is feeling better.

Amanda:

I have read your blogs and other people's responses with great compassion and understanding. I know that you are facing a difficult time in your life, and we are here for you. I can see that by the advice and encouragement that people have offered you.

Your father's first stroke was when you were only 7. Your mom had to take care of all the home chores, make sure your needs were met, probably 'juggle' finances and things.

Now, he had another stroke, and the stress is really upon her. She DOESN'T know the future, she THINKS that you want 'to do your own thing' (which you don't), her mom is critical of how she is treating her husband, etc., etc.

YES, I agree with previous remarks, you should speak to your dad's healthcare team, and maybe they could speak to your mom about the things she is saying to your dad. It is 'detrimental' to his care if they are encouraging him, and then your mom says things that 'destroy' his hopes.

I also think that you mom DEFINETLY needs some time to 'step back, take a vacation' from her 24 / 7 time with your dad. She needs to 'realize' that you and her mom are also concerned about his recovery, and that EVERYONE has his best interests at heart.

I hope I am making sense. I can 'feel' your frustration, and I know that you love your mom very much. I pray that, somehow, she will realize that you are your own person, that you are there for her, and that you need 'time for you'. See, right now, she IS NOT getting 'me time'. And that IS what she needs.

I am not a counselor, or a psycologist, (spelling) or even a 'shrink', I'm just trying to and give you encouragement.

Your are in my prayers, Amanda.

Denny

Thank you so much, Denny. Your words of encouragement mean the world to me, they really do. Thanks for your continued support & prayers.

Thank you to everyone. ((HUGS))

Amanda:

I want to just and express my concern for you. I can understand the 'pain and hurt' you are experiencing. It WILL get better.

I would like to encourage you, to go to the main Message Board, find the Stroke Survivor section. 'Click' on the 5th link Classic Postings and Advice'. I would like for you to read the 'posts' called:

I'm Losing it ....."

Survivor's Bill of Rights'

Caregiver's Bill of Rights'

There might be other 'postings' that interest you. But check them out. Also, look at the Caregiver section.

If need be, print them out, show to your mom. Maybe, by reading some 'information', she might realize the stress everyone is under, what 'damage' she might be doing to your dad and his recovery, how she is taking her stress out on you, etc., etc.

And I do understand what 'pressures' you have, going back to school, wanting to assist with your dad's care, living a life that was 'robbed' from you. You have alot on your plate, to deal with.

I hope I have given you some 'enrichment'. Do continue to 'vent' your frustrations. It is a form of therapy, and it is free. We may not have all the 'perfect' answers, but we do have compassion for those who are 'hurting'.

Denny