i don't know why, but even though most of my long term memory is EXCELLENT, sometimes i can't remember things unless someone brings it up. anyway, our company accountant ( my dad's best friend) is a retired FBI agent. he's one of the MOST interesting people i know. for some reason he started talking about lie detector tests yesterday and it brought back a memory.

back in the early 80's i worked for a bank and took another bank job in atlanta. atlanta is a LOT more "picky" about who they hire than montgomery, al. in addition to the extensive training program they gave all prospective employees a lie detector test.

MY lie detector test giver was an FBI agent. when he first walked in he looked like joe friday. crisp and clean, tie on, perfectly groomed. AFTER my test, his jacket was off , his tie loosened, and part of his shirt was untucked. he looked REAL tired too.

here's kind of how it went

G-MAN- have you ever thought about robbing a bank?

ME-yes.

he cut the machine off and said..." would you mind explaining that?"

ME- sure. well, while i was working at the bank in montgomery, we weren't that busy with walk in business since we were the main branch. anyway, i had a LOT of time on my hands. i was responsible for up to 1 million dollars in the vault and many times just sat around and fantasized about how EASY it would be to walk out with it. their security was TERRIBLE!!!! also, i even started a rough draft for a book about the robbery i was thinking about. so yes, i have thought about it, but not LITERALLY.. i would NEVER rob a bank!!!!!!!!!

MACHINE BACK ON

G-MAN- OTHER than what you have just told me, HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ROBBING A BANK!!!!!????

ME-no

G-MAN- have you ever thought about killing someone?

ME-yes

MACHINE GETS CUT OFF AGAIN

G-MAN- "would you mind explaining THAT one???"

ME:well, about a week before i left my husband, i was sitting in a recliner watching tv. i was also kind of watching him through the french doors while he was cleaning the pool. our pool cleaning pole was metal, about 10 feet long, and the rubber end had broken off. about that time a RED EMERGENCY weather alert came across the screen with the beeepp beeep beep sound too. it warned of intermittent reported lightening strikes in our area. it warned STAY INDOORS, AVOID OPEN FIELDS, AVOID METAL OBJECTS, STAY AWAY FROM WATER!!!!!!!!

immediately i got this warm feeling all over, lit up a cigarette, cracked open a beer, and reclined in my chair. THEN i "spaced out" for a while into this fantasy. you HAVE to understand, i HATED the man. he was mean, critical, abusive, a REAL letch!!!! i literally HATED HIS GUTS!!!!!!! anyway, i thought...he's literally holding a LIGHTENING ROD. he's in the middle of open acreage, AND he's standing in WATER!!!!!! i was HOPING he'd get struck and die and then i would get $250,000 in life insurance money!!!, NO $500,000 (double indemnity for accidental death) it was BEAUTIFUL. then i realized that he MIGHT not die if he was struck. then i imagined how i could just roll his lifeless body into the pool and no one would be the wiser!!!! i guess that's thinking of murder.

machine back on

G-MAN: OTHER than what you just told me," HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF KILLING SOMEONE!!!!!???"

ME: no

G-MAN- have you ever stolen anything from en employer?

ME- yes

machine gets cut off again

G-MAN-wanna explain THAT one. ( by now he's sitting on top of the table, jacket off, arms folded, he sure looks annoyed!!!)

ME- sure. when i was 15 years old i worked for a restaurant my father owned. all of the employees were required to pay half price for their meals. he told me i had to pay too to set a good example. welll, SOMETIMES i didn't pay. also, when i was five years old i stole a neighbor's eye glasses because they were fun to look through, boy, mama WORE me out for that on!!!! oh yeah, another , my little sister kept her money in a coke can. i took a can opener and opened the can up at the other end and stole some of change!!! GOD WAS SHE MAD!!!!!

he interrupts me. "I SAID EMPLOYER!!!!!!!!"

ME:sorry, i've just stolen SO many times i forgot the original question!!!! no, i believe that's it, the restaurant job i pulled.

MACHINE BACK ON

G-MAN- other than WHAT you just told me have you stolen anything from an employer??????!!!!!!!!!!

ME-no

( now he's got the tie loosened up and the shirt is starting to come untucked)

G-MAN-HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED A CRIME?

he just went ahead and unplugged the machine

ME: yes

G-MAN- MIND EXPLAINING??

ME: well, i ran a stop sign once and was given a ticket. i was dating a cop at the time and he had his co-worker "tear it up". i've always felt guilty about that. i guess in some way that IS crime. i mean if it ISN'T it SHOULD BE, DON'T YOU THINK?????

MACHINE BACK ON

G-MAN:other than what you have just told me, have you ever committed a crime!!!!!

ME:no

this is PRETTY much how the whole test went. i was in there nearly two hours. i found out later that most people were through in 30-45 minutes.

by the way, I PASSED