I just finished reading Sue-W's recent blog. I can so identify with her situation because that is mine. I LIVE by the "one day at a time" motto, because I become totally overwhelmed if I try to look into the future. I looked at the pill tray as I went to the kitchen today and noticed that tomorrow is already the day for me to set up the tray for the week. How can it be? We don't really do much, but the weeks do go past.

I finally got the doctor to put a label on Bill's condition now - "vascular dementia"........It took two trips to the hospital - with me NOT spending the nights before he would concede that I can see changes, but he's done it. Now, that doesn't mean much - except that Bill isn't getting better. I try to push, ever so gently, and then IIIII get tired and say 'it's easier for me to do for him than for me to push anymore'. Am I the only one here who feels this way? I know what the end will be - my husband isn't going to have years and years post stroke.

I can so identify with the "accidents".......like the night he urinated in his sock drawer, because he thought it was "a good idea"......Or this week when he went into the bathroom and, well.......didn't quite make the toilet. Or last week when he used the waste basket instead of the commode.....It is just part of life for me now. As long as he makes it in the bathroom I'm ok - there's no carpet there.

He's shaving less now - something Bill would NEVER have done before. He was always so fastidious. Starched everything.....even his jeans. I know it's because it is just hard work - and again, I want to encourage him to make the effort - but everything is such an effort. Many times I see him just gazing off into no-where - possibly seizures, but he hasn't been tested for them yet. He is becoming more frustrated because he just can't find the words he wants to use. And at other times he is animated, walks better - it's so confusing to even me.

I don't want to feel inadequate - but at times I do. Those are the times I have to kick myself off the pitty pot because I can't be there very long. I wonder where everybody has gone - then I think of the old adage that you have to be a friend to have a friend - and right now we aren't in a place to do for others - it's hard enough to do for ourselves at times.

Maybe it's because of the time change, maybe it's Monday, maybe it's because I didn't sleep well last night - whatever the reason I've barely scratched my emotions right now. I know I need to get honest with myself about these emotions, but I don't like it. At least I have Bill here and I know a time is coming when I'm alone. Then I will reflect on how nice it was to have him here to care for........The irony of it all.