I think the employees at the hospital are soon going to think I'm one of them. This stay at the hospital has not been smooth. Bill's pcp left his practice to take a position with a managed care program so Bill now has a "new" doctor. Since he is new to this doctor he is sort of in limbo - was supposed to meet him 5/3 at the office, even though this doctor had followed him at the Nursing Home in February......if this sounds complicated, it is. Oh for the simpler days - some things really were better way back when the healthcare/insurance industries were in the business of caring for people rather than making money.

Anyway, the whole thing started at ED (that's even changed - no longer Emergency Room, it is now Emergency Department). Dr. Stoneking came in and among other things wrote an order for Bill to go to the neuro department. Bill laid in ED for about six hours when the nurse decided to call him and ask that the order be re-written for any bed so he could get out of the ED. I hated it because I knew that if they put him in a bed that would be good enough. Next, Dr. Stoneking advised us that since he visits nursing facilities in the mornings he wanted to have another dr look in on Bill the next morning. Now - if he had just said he doesn't visit the hospital unless he is on-call and his patients are admitted under the "hospitalitition" I would have understood. But, no...I guess that would have been too easy. Anyway, he was admitted under Dr. Polite - a VERY nice MD, by the way. We were told Bill would be moved to the neuro floor from the med/surg floor later Wednesday or Thursday. When I asked the nurse when he would be moved she informed me there was no such order on the "admitting" orders, and even though Dr. Stoneking may have SAID he wanted that, there was no place in their records where he requested it. ..... Anyway, by yesterday I had just about had it. He was in a semi-private room with a guy who (bless his heart) was on either his cell phone, or the room phone, or going down for a smoke, or just rambling ALL the time. After having a few words with the charge nurse the Director of nursing for the floor came in - and wouldn't you know, we found where a room on the neuro floor HAD been ordered. Lots of apologies....and he was moved last evening.

Next "glitch".... an MRI was ordered for Wednesday evening. I asked Thursday if the results were back...no...I asked Friday if the results were back....no, notes say results pending....Bill, do you remember whether you had an MRI? No, he hadn't had one....Dr. Polite came in today....Bill, do you remember having an MRI??? No, he hadn't had one...Dr. Polite re-ordered the MRI for this evening....Before I left I asked when he would have it done - nurse looked funny....she called down to x-ray and they will do it "first thing" in the morning. MRI will hopefully let everybody know whether this was a true stroke, or TIA. I believe it was another stroke, based on Bill's right arm weakness, his hand and the way his leg and foot are acting. Also, his cognitive abilities are really reduced now and his speech is slurred more than before - not to mention his swallowing test. He now has to have liquids thickened - only to nectar thickness, but that is a definite change.

So - Monday he goes to rehab. He isn't happy - he just wants to come home. I don't think he has the mental capacity to understand what is involved on my part. He thinks "we" can handle everything just fine - doesn't even realize that he just isn't able to handle anything for himself except the toilet. And even at that, I'm really lucky when he hits the toilet 50% of the time.

I've been dealing with some guilt feelings. I don't know exactly when the stroke hit. I think maybe Sunday night. I think that was the night he felt "funny". I took his bp and the upper number was 184. Bottom was 82 though - and everytime I use that darned cuff, it seems like the upper number is high - then we go to the doctor and it's 110 or 124....so I didn't trust it. I thought about taking him to ER - then thought, no, we'd be there all night and they'd end up sending us home. And Monday things just weren't quite right. But again, I thought I was imagining things because I was tired. So now I say to myself, what is going on with ME? Am I trying to ignore Bill's condition because I'm in denial? Or is it because I've not taken care of myself and now I'm facing some resentment about it? I do know I've let down the boundaries in defference to his health issues. And I know that isn't good, and I'm trying to figure out how to become more assertive with him. In fact I'd done something I've put off. I have 3 pilar cysts on my scalp, I know they need to be taken care of but I also know how painful it is because I had 2 taken care of about 15 years ago. Finally, I got up the nerve to make the appointment for this week - wouldn't you know it. I'd made arrangements for a friend to drive us to the doctor's since Bill had an appointment the same day - 15 minutes before my appointment, and then to drive us home. Maybe this is the Lord taking care of a situation for me. If he is in rehab I won't have to worry about him or how I'll take care of him. I'll be able to have it done and come home and go to bed. I know that's all I'll be able to do anyway.

OK - so I've written and written and I feel better for it. Life goes on - regardless of how hard I am on myself. Why is it so hard to turn my will and my life over to my God and leave it there? I guess because I'm human and I'm not perfect.

As Dad used to say "God is still good."