Sherry,

My husband is wheelchair bound and only has the use of one arm. He is almost six years out from his stroke. What we do regarding the bathing issue is every other day I help him with a shower and the opposite days he does a sponge bath on his own. He can dress himself except for I help him with one sock and sometimes I need to pull his shirt down in the back. An occupational therapist taught him how to dress himself. If you weren't taught how, ask your doctor for a prescription for a few hours with an OT.

It does take time to work out all the pressure points between spouses after a stroke. In the first two years my husband couldn't do his own sponge baths because our bathroom was not wheelchair friendly. Changing that stumbling block was the best thing we did to reduce the dependant/dependance issues.

Part of the acceptance progess of post-stroke life comes from taking a hard look at the pressure points and see what can be done to solve them. Another caregiving in my husband's speech group solves the morning shower/dressing issue another way. They have home health care come in five days a week. I suppose it helps her feel more like a wife and less like a caregiver.

It does get better, Sherry. The first year is definately the hardest adjustment period.

Jean

Totally agree with Jean..hang tough..you sound like you'll make it..first year is hard..when you look back when you're at year 2 and 3, you'll wonder at yourself... :blush:

Sherry,

This tore me up and I'm not sure I can help. I just want you to know that I don't think there is one of us that hasn't said "I don't think I can take it anymore". My husband had a stroke Jan., 2003. And we've both had those days.

After reading your blog entry I went and checked out all the rest of them and your posts too. My God you put me to shame with your strength and determination to push forward. I believe it's okay to have down days too. Of course it's never okay to make someone feel guilty, not in my opinion anyway. Most of my guilt was self inflicted. But like you said in your past writings I had to push past it and move on. I think it's great that we can come here and vent.

I guess I don't really have any advice, just want you to know I hear you and am thinking of you. It has gotten a lot easier for me and my husband. And I'm hoping you have much better days ahead.

Take care, :hug:

Cindy

I think I make the same mistakes as your husband sometimes. I do get tired and cranky, I do put the "guilts" on Ray too.

It is not easy to be "on call" all the time. Even if Ray said it was fine to do something in the early days o f his stroke I would think: "I can't, what if I do it and he needs me, or has a fall, or..." so a lot of the burden was from my own thinking.

Ray does dress himself, taught to like Don, by his occupational therapist. He can also stand long enough to shower himself. I do button him up and help with dressing sometimes too, especially if we are in a rush to go somewhere.

Take Jean's advice and get some "dressing lessons". If the going gets tough have a wash instead of a full shower. Maybe sometimes initiate his having a bike ride by saying: "What a wonderful day. Why don't I sit here while you go have a ride?"

Believe me , sometimes for a caregiver, in the first year , it does feel as if you do everything. Even when the person you care for is most co-operative. We all feel the burden of doing all those unaccustomed tasks that our partner used to do. And we are all just a human being, doing our best. So do keep coming here and venting, we all need to get it out , rather than keeping it in and becoming ill because of the built up stress.

But there are lots of couples struggling with the new depended/depended upon role of survivor and caregiver that you are going through now.

Sue.

hey Sherry:

we all go throughthis dependent issue. I tried to do all my personal stuff like bathing,dressing by myself. Initially we had shower chair in our bathroom once I was strong enough to take standing shower, shower chair I donated it. for dressing up I need to sit down, so we have kept small stool in our bathroom, or I sit on toilet and dress myself. for almost a year I needed help in wearing bra so I decided to go brafree till I mastered how to wear bra one handed. for my initial 6 months I used to wear only T-shirts &sweat pants, Though I still need help in wearing my contact lenses. I agree with every one first year is hardest or life with disabled person is hard, but we have to cut some slack to our partner they are also human, they can also vent sometime and it is not against you, it is venting against situation. I try to do as much at home to relieve his load of work, like cooking, now in market they have so much readymade, you can buy it and just throw in oven & dinner is ready that way you save money on takeout and also eat healthy. I like to cook dinner for my family (I feel proud when my kido says I m best cooker(cook) in the world :big_grin:

Also you have to forgive and forget the incidence which annoyed you about your hubby, it is easy to get upset but think about his situation

Asha

The first year is one tough mother of a year for alll involved in stroke w/ the survivor. Early on after my stroke happened the guy I was married to then hated and bitterly resented what he had to do to help me dress and shower daily. Of course to be fair, he was trying to get himself out the door along with our 2 kids. I only had one functioning arm/hand back then and it used to take me forever to get my underwear on. I played ring toss basically to get them on my affected foot. After months went by I figured out how to get my underwear on easier and I switched to sports bras so I could put it on myself. Dressing oneself is a big step and one that takes much practice to adapt and compensate to where you're able to achieve it. Same with showering independently, I used a shower bench up until about 6 months ago, now I've graduated to being able to stand as long as is necessary to take a shower. So in a sense it does get better, but I don't know if it ever gets easier. I'm 4 years post and I still push myself everyday to do things.

Pam

You guys are humbling. I'm ashamed to admit that on several occasions I've made my husband feel the same way you felt today, by doing the "Who would look after you?" guilt trip. It doesn't actually mean anything more than saying "Damn!" in a moment of frustration, but I know it must hurt.

My husband still can't dress or wash alone, but his was a very severe stroke. He learned to put up with grumpy comments from me in about year 2 :big_grin: . We can be back at laughing point pretty quickly now. He learned to undress and get into bed at night in year 4. He learned to walk across the room without a cane in year 9. He has continued to make progress every year since his stroke. I have learned to apologise but not to feel guilty for too long.

T

Sherry, you have been given very good advice. You did not mention your deficits nor do I know your deficits. I wonder if you received all of the rehabilitation that makes dressing and even light cooking easier. Like Jean said, perhaps a Dr. could get you some additional rehabilitation sessions to learn these things and also to get aids available to help putting on shoes, pulling up socks, the shower chair and they have long handles sponges to help reach places for bathing.

What I don't believe anyone has mentioned is the fact that as one who rides a motorcycle, there is always the possibility that the tables could have been reversed, and. it would have been your husband who was the stroke victim. Do not feel guilty. I'm sure you would have done the same things for him.

See, if you can get further rehabilitation at this point. It may not only help your husband a little, help "relations" but also make things that you are doing easier.

Phyllis