my mother has taught private piano lessons for as LONG as i can remember. for about ten years she also served as an assitant director for an academy for performing arts here in montgomery. she has ALWAYS wanted me to follow in her footsteps, and she finally got her chance back in 1990.

mother started out the conversation GLOWINGLY

MOTHER: you know, with your musical talents, ALL of your performances, your SUPERIOR ratings in all of the musical festivals, your accompaniment with choirs, and abilty with children, i think you would make a WONDERFUL teacher!!!!! (appealing to my vanity)

ME: MOTHER!!!! thanks, but that was 10 years ago and i already HAVE a full time job!!!! what, are you and DEBBIE ( the director and her close friend) short staffed at the academy again this year?

MOTHER: NO, but you could make some EXTRA money and lord KNOWS you need it ( appealing to my sense of guilt for borrowing money from her after my divorce)

ME: i don't know. besides, i thought one of their rules was that you have to have a degree in music of some sort, and i DON'T!!!!

MOTHER: debbie and i have ALREADY got that covered. we brought it up at the last board meeting and they agreed to make an exception, in this case!!!

ME: i asked, "WHAT case?" :

MOTHER: well, there are three children who NO one else wants to teach, and we hate to turn ANY child away. ( appealing to my sense of pity) you see, two have ADD and are VERY difficult. and the other one is emotioanlly disturbed and won't talk. i CAN'T take them myself because i am COMPLETELY booked up!!!!!

ME: okay, when do i start ( she won)

i thought to myself, i am going to be the teacher of ALL teachers!!! I'M going to succeed where ALL others failed. i'm going to be like ann bancroft in the "helen keller story", i'm going to be like sidney portier in "to sir with love"...... i was REALLY looking forward to this challenge.

HOWEVER, when i showed up for my first day mother had a "little something " to tell me. i had FIVE students, not three. well, one had tried to sign up at the last minute, she's a lovely little girl named JORDAN and no one can give her an after noon slot....

ME: OKAY, TWO MORE IS FINE, WHO IS THE OTHER??

MOTHER: well, it's someone you know, debbie's son.

ME: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! not ROBERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he's a little MONSTOR!!!!!!

MOTHER: well, debbie can't do anything with him and no one else will touch him, and..........

ME: MOTHER!!! if YOU couldn't teach him and his own MOTHER couldn't teach him, what makes you think that i can???????????

MOTHER: well, debbie says he likes you and it's worth a shot, he's very musical. also, she wants you to teach him at her house, maybe he'll do better here.

so, the fun began.

actually, the "challenging" children turned out to be very cooperative. the extra little girl i got was INCREDIBLY talented and a joy

first lesson:

ME: JORDAN you are SO smart. now i'm going to teach you an EASY way to remember the notes on the piano!!! read this chart for me.

Every Good Bird Does Fly EGBDF!!!!!! now, YOU do it!!!!!

JORDON: i can't

ME: SURE you can!!!!! now just TRY!!!!!!

JORDON: no kim, i REALLY can't!!!!!!!!

ME: do you want to tell me why?????

JORDAN: sure!!!! i'm only five years old and i haven't learned how to read

yet!!!!

ME: ( feeling like a COMLETE idot ) OH!!!!! i see. i am SO sorry, you LOOK much older!!!!! well, just repeat it after me, and you might surprise your school teacher next year!!! wanna try?

JORDAN: sure!!! but i have a question. why does it say GOOD birds can fly? see, i had this parakeet named jimbo once who pecked me ALL the time!!!!!! he was a BAD bird, but HE could fly!!!!!????????????

anyway, that's pretty much how her lessons went all year.

then there was ROBERT

first lesson

ME: okay ROBERT!!!!! come out wherever you are!!!!!!! i'm just gonna sit here for 30 minutes because i'm getting paid either way!!!!! i couldn't CARE LESS!!!!! i'm just going to SIT here!!!! i'm going to tell your mother!!!!!!! i'm going to go in your kitchen and make myself a SNACK!!!!!!!!!!!

FIANLLY, he came out of the storage closet. he had been hiding in a christmas tree box. after his "snack", i ATTEMPTED to get his lesson started.

ME: OKAY ROBERT!!! it's your time. show me what you can play!!!!!

he flipped his hands backwards on the piano and just stared.

ME: okay, I'LL play something and you can watch.

after awhile, i turned to look at him and there he sat with a STUPIFIED look on his face and had the family cat draped over his head from ear to ear. she was obviously USED to this abuse because she lay there limp like a daniel boone cap.

ME: robert, WHY is that cat on your head?????

ROBERT: turning slowwwlllllllly toward me, so as not to disturb "kitty", he said

"WHAT CAT?"

no amount of effort would get him to respond, so i finally called his mother and told her she was wasting her money. instead of discontinuing the lessons, she DOUBLED his time to an HOUR a week. robert has since graduated from college, is engaged, and QUITE a musician ( i had NOTHING to do with that!!!!) the last time i saw him he pulled me aside and BEGGED me not to bring up the "cat thing" in front of his wife to be.

i guess i was never meant to be annie sullivan or the sidney portier character, maybe i'll be remembered like "miss landers" on "leave it to beaver". that wouldn't be so bad!!!!!!!!! CHILDREN ARE SUCH A JOY AND A CHALLENGE!!!!! THEY see things in a way that as an adult, i have lost the ability to see. i think that the CHILDREN taught ME!!!!!!!!!!!