I wish I knew how to measure Bill's condition. I don't want to imagine he is better than he is - or worse than he is cognitively. I know my expectations for him have diminished. The "good" days are harder to experience it seems....but is this my imagination or reality?

Yesterday was hard. I had so much to do. I washed clothes, I'd promised to make a cake for a friend's birthday, I HAD to iron -and for another day the house work seemed to slip to the side. One woman can do just so much, I say. I think I'm getting a little cynical...'nobody comes to visit to see a spotless home, anyway'. I say it, but I really don't have the energy to be the hostess with the mostest anymore - so I can just get a grip on that thought.

Anyway, while Bill slept yesterday morning I made the cake, did a couple loads of wash - and oh, he woke up twice so I fixed breakfast and lunch for him. And I ironed...boy did I iron....I'd been avoiding it in small batches, so I've nobody to blame but myself! Summer is so hard, everything I own seems to need ironing! Then, Bill woke up about 2... hungry again since he "hadn't eaten" at all - the common mantra these days. I fed him again. Tina called - back from St. Thomas late Friday evening, she is such a sweetheart to take the time to call to check in - friends are pricelss.

Bill now wants my undivided attention when he is awake. In order to gain it, he decided he needed to shower - and wanted my help to do it. I asked him to wait a few minutes, and like any child he sulked - then decided to take matters into his own hands. He went to the bathroom and shaved himself - something he'd prefer me do for him, but I know he CAN do it himself. Then, went to the shower. He showered himself. He, of course asked me three times to come help him - and I explained each time that he should wait just a minute and I would help. Amazingly, he did it himself - but was sulky afterward since he wants me to do it for him....Oh well, I say - sulk away.

Then, back to the ironing board I went - after "helping" him dress - helping consists of me doing most of it - But, I am getting a little better - hardened I guess - He's got to do what he can for himself. He equates me doing for him with me loving him....I equate him doing for himself as me loving him enough to make him as independent as possible. After he was dressed he was ready to go - I just ignored him. Funny how THAT worked - he got BOTH shoes on! He's been busted again. He was ready to "go" - but I told him we had no place we had to be and I had things I had to get done so he needed to just chill. He doesn't understand how the cost of gas impacts everything we do now...He doesn't understand much, really.

I worry that I'm seeing things in Bill that really aren't there, but folks at the meetings are noticing the changes. I can see them watching him - and more often I get "compliments" about how loving and patient I am with him - he isn't ever disruptive - he just isn't able to understand as much as he did at one time - even since the strokes. The Aricept seems to help a little because every once in awhile he comments, and after a meeting we can sometimes discuss some part of the topic. But 75% of the time he is just a shell with whom I sit - not able to understand where I am if I'm not right by his side.

I have to constantly remind myself that every situation is different, every survivor is different and every "recovery" is different. I also have to understand what "severely and profoundly impaired" will mean for us eventually. I can't project - I can only take each day as it comes. As long as Bill isn't abusive, as long as he cooperates, as long as I can physically care for him I will. I don't need to know about what is to come, because what is now is quite enough for me to handle.

We had a nice dinner out with friends last evening - 'course it wasn't Thai or Vietnamese so Bill didn't care for it. I've grown alot in that area. I'll eat Thai about every other night with him, but he has to make some concessions. He is OK with that most of the time, still though anything other than his favorites doesn't seem to satisfy. Tonight, though, we will eat at home...period!! I'm going to make those blackberry glazed port medallions!

Gee, I've rambled - my thoughts seem so disjointed on paper - but then, they seem that way in my head too. Just for today, Lord - just for today.