I've not tried to hide my faith. It is part of who I am. My faith isn't up for debate. I don't understand those who arbitrarily discount my God any more than they understand how it can be I put my faith in One I haven't seen and touched, whose ways seem so foreign and simplistic. I know there are those who have the opinion I don't have a brain since I'm not interested in debating this faith.

Not so, I've a brain. I've rebelled against this God of mine - thinking I knew much more than He how I should live my life. After all, I'm in control of my own destiny so He can just sit up there in heaven and do his thing with somebody else. Somehow though, through the rebellion I came to realize the God of my youth offers me peace and strength as no other "thing" or "being" can. My rebellion didn't lead me to other deities. My rebellion led me to me - I thought I had the answers.

I didn't care about whether my God was a Goddess, or whether I should worship the sun and the moon. Yes, I rebelled, but the notion that man has evolved into a more moral, ethical, better human being based on anything other than a Higher Power alludes me. When I pick up the paper or turn on the news and read or hear about serial killers, rapists, pedaphiles, hatred, wars based upon somebody's religious bent tells me that man, left to his own devices will not evolve into a better human being.

I don't believe for a minute that my God looks down and decides to inflict pain, illness, senseless death, war, famine, and all the other plights one can think of as a form of punishment. I'm not sure from where this attitude has arisen. Sometimes I think it's because we feel (whether we want to admit it or not) so guilty for our attitudes and actions that we decide it must be the big, bad GOD delivering his vengeance on us. That's not a new theory, either.

I do believe there is more to life than this life I'm living now. I've often heard it said that 'I'd lots rather live my life as if it will be judged when I die and be mistaken than to live my life as if this is all there is and find out differently afterward'. What's the difference? I think it's a respect for others - whether their belief system conflicts with mine or not, is there a need to argue with them that they are wrong? I think not. I find it interesting that though we are reminded frequently of a need for tolerance, ideas or thoughts smacking of Christianity are quickly trivialized or somehow interpreted as stupid, insensitive, mean-spirited and/or intollerant. These attitudes have existed since the days Jesus Christ walked this earth. Whether or not another believes that Christ even existed certainly have every right to that belief - but do not have a right to challenge my beliefs and convictions and expect me to respond to the challenge. It's not because I'm ignorant, it's just that there is no debate for me.

Of course my beliefs have been influenced in part by generations who have preceded me. My grandfather, who sat in his elder years with his well-worn Bible on the table next to his lazy-boy recliner. What a wonderful compassionate man he was. I remember riding with him as he delivered fruits and vegetables from our farm to the neighbors who had less. I remember him getting his Bible out when we came for coffee after church. "Now Edward", he'd say to my dad, "what do you think this passage really meant?" And a discussion followed that lasted for fifteen minutes to an hour! I wish everybody could have known my Grandpa. My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness in April 1, 2001 and passed away October 6, 2001. Throughout the summer, as he got weaker, whenever anyone would ask how he was he'd always reply, "oh, I'm ok - and my God is still good." I was privileged to be the one with whom Dad had many conversations about passages from the Word. My Grandma and Mom also impacted my concept of life and faith, too. I know everyone didn't grow up in a loving, caring home. I was indeed blessed. I also know the peace and faith I have today isn't available to only those who have experienced my past.

Friends who look at Bill and me from the outside have asked how I do it. How do I have any peace as we go through this journey? How do I watch as my husband becomes a shell? How do I watch his eyes - at most times blank - and not scream out 'why me, Lord?' As I tell my friends, I ask, "why not?" I've never used my faith as a shield against illness, pain, unhappiness or worry. My faith gives me peace in the face of all of this turmoil.

Job 42:1,2 - Then Job answered the Lord, and said, "I know that Thou canst do all things, and that no purpose of Thine can be thwarted. "