there are several hundred people who i interacted with in my life before my stroke including friends, extended family, co-workers, my husband's church members, etc.... i have ALWAYS been the one to host baby showers, bridal showers, anniversary parties, birtyhday parties, etc... i ALWAYS enjoyed it, at least i DID. talk about a WAKE UP CALL!!!!!!!!!!

it wasn't until i had the stroke that i realized how NAIVE and GULLIBLE i had been all of my life. it never crossed my MIND that i was perhaps being used. it never crossed my MIND that most of those same people NEVER reciprocated. i always had the attitude that i was 'doing the right thing" and i NEVER had ulterior motives.

however, when i needed people the MOST, very few were there. i didn't expect daily visits or an outpour of attention, but a ride once in six months, a card, a phone call, a bowl of chicken noodle soup would have been nice.

i cried about it and hurt over it for MONTHS, then i got angry. i don't hate them or anything, i think that they are just insensitive clods who don't know any better. they probably always WERE, but i just didn't notice. what i HAVE noticed is that i have two boxes on my office table. ONE box is wrapped in red paper and THAT'S where the invitations and announcements i get from people who CARE go. it's not very full. the OTHER box is wrapped in purple and THAT'S where the "clod's" invites go.

i went through it last night and i have received TWENTY ONE invitations since my stroke to give those VERY same people a gift for one occassion or another. let's see, weddings, anniversary party, baby shower, birthday party ( WOW, somone else CAN host a shower in this town besides me!!!!) and one of my personal FAVORITES: HOUSE WARMING PARTY. these are becoming INCREASINGLY popular. you know, where someone buys a nice house they can't afford and then invites the whole town to come to their little party. in exchange for some pineapple punch and a cucumber sandwhich you get to give them an expensive kitchen gadget!!!! even though i know it's COMPLETELY "unsouthern", i don't even respond to the rsvp invites.

ANYWAY, i decided ( months ago) that these people just do NOT exist to me anymore. i have NO intention of EVER sending them any present OR attending any of their functions. no more chicken casseroles when they're sick. no more sandwich trays sent when someone dies. no more birthday cakes, no more pastry trays sent to the church for their brunches. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!

the SHOCKING part is that some of them have actually ASKED about it. they couldn't ASK about me when i was ill, but they SURE do notice it when they're not RECEIVING anything anymore. i have had PLENTY of time to think about my response should that happen. of course, it has. clods have no conscious. a few weeks ago i ran into one of the "church people" at the rite aid. she look SO surprised to see me "looking so well".

see, she THOUGHT that i was still in "terrible shape" because i hadn't sent any "goodies" to the church in so long!!!!". she wanted to know when i was going to be able to go back to work. when i told her ( in a very bland tone) that i had been back at work for over a year, she looked "astonished". she said that "every" body had been wandering how i was. most of them had thought i couldn't work or drive still. THEN, after i let her dig her grave a few minutes longer, i let her HAVE IT.

i said " margie, i appreciate the concern. however, i wouldn't have any way of KNOWING that all of you were so concerend because i haven't HEARD from any of you. if you all thought i was in such "bad shape", why didn't someone pick up the phone and CALL? or ask if you could HELP? i don't "make trays" for people anymore because i am too committed to trying to get through every day without falling asleep. also, i don't feel that my "goodie trays" had been appreciated, no one has EVER called or written a note to let me know. so, THAT'S why i don't make them anymore." then before she could say anything i told her i was in a hurry and turned around and walked off.

there's been other instances, but that was the most recent and fresh on my mind. i do NOT feel sorry for myself and have asked NOTHING of NO ONE. however, when you are all alone with nothing but time on your hands, the old brain starts to work on you. ( damaged or not). sometimes i think that the brain damage i have sustained has made me mean. then again, i never was the nicest person in the first place. i have been hurt by the behaviour of people i thought cared about me, i have greived over it, accepted it, and have moved on with my life.

the SAD thing is that i have lost my faith in MANY people. maybe tommorrow i will have pulled myself out of this depression and will try to write something positive. but for TODAY, i'm just "kim the grinch"