So...here I go...blogging in a moment I never thought would ever come. A month ago Jane had a stroke...I was 1000+ miles away...I couldn't be there...I couldn't save her from the devastating effects. I flew out there as soon as I could...I spent tons of money I didn't have and spent every moment I could with her...I love this woman, more than breathing. She has said to me, and we had pledged to each other, that we were each other's safety, family, soulmate... We had gone through a lot with our long distance relationship but we always talked, and we always came through for each other. An underlying subtext for her, always, was her difficulty making herself vulnerable to me. Her difficulties accepting help and love from me. Trying to undo 47 years of programming because she felt like her parents were never there for her. When she was healthy, this was something she worked on and we had made progress...she said she had let me in closer than she had ever let ANYONE in but that it was something she had to work on...something that she was learning to trust.

So now she had the stroke...and she has regressed back to that place of not being able to accept her vulnerability towards me...unable to let herself be close to me because it scares her. She called me today...told me she didn't want me to contact her, or her family, at all...I'm cut off cold from this person who a mere 5 days before the stroke told me I had taught her so much about intimacy...that I was the most important person in her life. She said she wanted to take it month by month and that she'd contact me in another month and let me know how she is doing. When she told me she wanted to cut off contact, she said she couldn't put her feelings into words...I can ONLY imagine how that must feel to her. She kept repeating that...I just can't find the words right now. But I know what those words and feelings are...I know her all too well. When I asked her if she was lying when she said "I am reconsidering my independence...I want to be closer to you" she said, "No not lying, but I don't feel like I'm being honest about the underlying discomfort I am feeling. I just can't explain it." Well...I'll put words to it because that underlying discomfort is the old demon coming back to roost...her difficulty making herself vulnerable and letting me in close. It is what has destroyed past relationships and has also inhibited her from engaging in ANY relationships for the longest period of time. When she was well, we had worked past that...now that she is not well, she can't deal with that. What was hurtful to me was when she said it felt like I wasn't supporting HER but supporting MYSELF...WTF is that all about? Why would I drop EVERYTHING, risk my job, handoff my kids, work like a dog on her farm to fix it up while I'm out there, scramble through her affairs and her accounts so people could gain access to her money and handle her day to day affairs...I was the only person who knew her account numbers and codes...the only person who knew how her financials were set up...all of this to support MYSELF????? When someone says "Robyn, you are my safety...you are my family" I trust that means I'm supposed to drop everything, continue to show my support through my love, give her EVERYTHING I have to give? What did I do wrong...what did I miss?

And then it occurred to me...I really DIDN'T do anything wrong...I did what any normal loving relationship does...I dropped everything to be by her side, to profess my love and dedication and loyalty to her. To tell her I accept WHATEVER the stroke gave our relationship. But she can't accept that because that is her burden...her baggage...her area of learning in this moment. That someone can love her and accept her and want to give the world to her. These are HER demons, not mine...

So I wait...for another month to chat with her and see how she is. In the mean time, I am going to write her a loving letter explaining what I am observing. Even if this doesn't save OUR relationship, perhaps it will help her so that she doesn't spend her life alone unable to make herself vulnerable to someone...even if it doesn't help US, it might help HER. Isn't that love...and devotion...and selflessness...?

I am a good girlfriend, right...not a selfish ogre...?