So I slept awful...like THAT's a big surprise. My head full of her. I continued to try to breathe deep, slow breathes to relax and keep focused and that helped. I think I finally fell into a deeper sleep close to the morning. The kids slept in which was nice.

Tomorrow I start working with a life coach. Aruni is a lesbian, has a strong spiritual base, and I've been to several seminars with her at my retreat house. I trust her right now because of our spiritual commonalities and because I know she understands the connection I have with Jane... Here is my struggle...some people have said to me...just move on, if its meant to be, its meant to be...others have said, just give her the space, she may come around with time and healing. So how long do I wait...how long do I allow myself to sit in limbo "waiting for a crumb" as some have said? It WOULD be easier for me to just let go, tell her the door is always open for her but allow myself to move forward and onward with my life. But should I do the easy thing...shut the door that I promised would be open for the short term? Or should I wait and see and hope...when does the waiting become hopeLESS and dysfunctional and unhealthy? Her first request is only a month to wait...so I'll just take it a month this time and then see how I feel. And if it looks promising...maybe wait ANOTHER month.

I know she is changed but I'm trying to figure out how much of my instincts and gut feel are just hopeless optimism or real insight into her current state. Her connection struggles are sadly not new ground. EVERY relationship has its issues...I brought baggage to the table as did she...and her baggage was her inability to make herself vulnerable to me. But we did conquer this...with a well mind...in our relationship which is why we both felt that we were STRONG before this happened. Which is why she said she was considering changing jobs and moving closer to me BEFORE the stroke happened...she had finally learned to let go and to trust because she knew we were strong and good for each other. I was learning to trust her love and space too...trusting when she would go inside herself to heal herself that she would ALWAYS return to me...ALWAYS. And I had learned to trust that. Should I let go of that trust now...? I don't think so as it feels soooooooo premature. When I was with her, the connection felt like it was there...it truly did. I truly believe that the discomfort she is feeling is simply the regression back to what was past habit and comforting...to just be independent and only depend on herself. I'm hoping as her thoughts clear over the next couple of months, these memories and thoughts will come back to her. I trust her therapist will not let her stay in a dysfunctional "only depend on herself" state. I know she was working with her to accept the help from her family...to let go of past issues to get herself better so she could return to Colorado where she wants to be ultimately. If she can bring Jane back to HERSELF, I think Jane will come find me. That's assuming there really isn't severe damage to her emotional state.

When we were together, I asked her if she was ready to accept help from those around her as I knew this was a big struggle for her. She has accepted help from her ex-therapist/mentor, her business associate who is managing her day to day affairs, and her family which was a HUGE struggle for her. But accepting help from them frankly is easy/ier because they don't threaten her emotional vulnerability in a loving committed relationship...they represent family ties and friendships, albeit friendships with a lot of love. They only go so far into the intimate reserve we hold sacred in ourselves. It is different to accept and welcome being vulnerable to someone with whom you are developing/DID develop an intimate relationship. Our level of intimacy is BEYOND anything she has with those people and that, I'm sure, in and of itself is hard for her to get right now so turning to them first IS easier and makes sense she'd surround herself with folks who can help her and keep things easy for her. Which is as it should be I guess, although that's a hard one...but I want to understand that and really own that feeling.

I miss my therapist...she understood my history and my history with Jane and all I have gone through over the last 5 years, and even in my lifetime. I am sad about having to start anew but hopefully a new fresh perspective will help.

That's all for now I guess...life goes on...and I have way too much to do.