Pema Chodron says to walk INTO the fear, not away from it. Fear is what you experience as you get closer to the truth...a truth sometimes we don't want to know...so we avoid...we run. She said the best way to conquer fears is to simply go towards them...

Honestly, I have always done that...I am mortally afraid of heights, especially bridges, yet I continue to drive over them. I won't let a fear disable me...stop me from living my life. Jane had always observed that in me. She herself is very fearful and always admired that I could just go towards something seemingly without fear. Sometimes I have the fear...but most of the time I refused to acknowledge it and just move forward like a bull in a china shop !

I think this is the first time in my life I feel REAL, HONEST fear...I fear the worst about us. But I am working through it...pushing myself forward when the fears are unreasonable and not PRESENT. I fear the unknown...I fear I may lose the most important person in my life after my kids. But I'm still standing here...still working...still hoping...still have faith...still getting my work done...still taking care of myself. I'm still here...sitting in the fear...SURROUNDED by the fear and yet I refuse to let it own me. I'm just letting it sit there... I'm watching it cautiously... It tries to sneak up on me like a feral cat hoping to catch its prey at night. But I am watching the fears...the fears are not me...I am the Witness, seeing how the fears can be disabling. I am still moving on with my life even though I'd rather sleep for the next two weeks.

Jean said to put my fears on hold...by Witnessing them but not acting on them I realize I am doing just that. Yay for me!!! My mind is continually bombarded with visions of our life over the last 3 years...its all good...it counterbalances the fears. That is what gives me hope... Another couple of weeks before I hear from her again...perhaps 2 weeks...perhaps more...perhaps less...but approximately another couple of weeks. I'm here...I'm waiting...I'm not going anywhere...