I am continually amazed at the resilience of humans. OK...amazed at my own resilience, too! I mean, heck, this is my blog and my blog is all about me, right? Yesterday, I struggled in the doldrums...holding on to negatives...struggling to push them away. I did, but it was hard. Today, again, almost polar opposite. As I said awhile ago, I really am getting the notion of riding the waves of life. The pleasure and restful nature of the UPS and the struggle and pain of the DOWNS... Yes, I know this is old territory in my blogs, but I'm seeing this in a richer and deeper way today. Pema Chodron, a Tibetan Buddhist, in her book Comfortable with Uncertainty said:

THE FIRST NOBLE TRUTH SAYS THAT IT'S PART OF BEING HUMAN TO FEEL DISCOMFORT. NOTHING IN ITS ESSENCE IS ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. ALL AROUND US THE WIND, THE FIRE, THE EARTH, THE WATER, ARE ALWAYS TAKING ON DIFFERENT QUALITIES; THEY'RE LIKE MAGICIANS. WE ALSO CHANGE LIKE THE WEATHER. WE EBB AND FLOW LIKE THE TIDES, WE WAX AND WANE LIKE THE MOON. WE FAIL TO SEE THAT LIKE THE WEATHER, WE ARE FLUID, NOT SOLID. AND SO WE SUFFER. ...[W]E RESIST THAT WE CHANGE AND FLOW LIKE THE WEATHER, THAT WE HAVE THE SAME ENERGY AS ALL LIVING THINGS. WHEN WE RESIST, WE DIG IN OUR HEELS.

Yesterday as I read that message at the end of the day I had that notion of trying to fight/control things...that I was resisting being uncomfortable and the mechanisms I was using to protect myself, yet again...the "ITS OVER...HOW CAN SHE DO THIS!?!" mantra...danced all over me and caused the suffering. It ISN'T OVER...she isn't DOING THIS TO ME...but that's my own ego, trying to protect me from hurt, which, in the long run really only causes more suffering. FASCINATING and AMAZING to actually see these writings and musing in practice!!!!!! This is never really something I saw before.

The harder thing to admit is that things may change...this MAY end up with us not being together. I don't think this is true. certainly not based on the time we had in the rehab hospital and what other stroke survivors have told me may be going on for her, but it IS within the realm of possibilities. And I do have to face that as well...I'm resisting that too. It isn't something I'm ready to concede right now and frankly there is no reason to do that. There is nothing said between us that says "this is totally over". There is an ENORMOUS amount of love and connection between us...that doesn't disappear with a stroke. Yes, it is hard to focus on when all your body and mind wants to do is survive BUT that connection is there and I know she knows that because she acknowledged it and felt it too. BUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT...it could happen...and I AM resisting that, hence the pain from that as well. I think I was trying to work through that yesterday, as well, and honestly I'm just not ready to do that. That is for the future...not now.

So I'm back to this notion of WITNESSING myself go through this experience. Taking a few steps back and reflecting on how my spiritual lessons are manifesting themselves in my life right now. And I remain AMAZED!!! It works...it REALLY works! Does that mean I've MASTERED this...:hahaha: UM...nope...but it means I can see it for what it is and that's positive.

Today was overall very nice. The kids and I returned to the zoo and met a new friend and her son for the day. We had a great time and eventually left the zoo, went back to her place, then off to a coffee shop to play cards and hang out some more. The kids got along great...and she and I had fun chatting. We plan on spending more time together as friends which is cool. She is fascinating...is a social worker...has dual citizenship in South Africa...has traveled all over! She is interesting and it was a pleasure to have a nice, adult/semi-intellectual conversation about the world as we see it! This is another example of accepting changes...that I don't have my close network of friends from back east right now and now that I'm in a new location I have to make new friends...another change. So far so good...this one was a lot easier than the other stuff but still.

So I end the day...still need to get a bunch of work done...but I'm STILL AMAZED...