In some ways this day sort of pales in comparison to what I am dealing with now...a partner whom I love who is struggling to heal from a stroke...who is shutting me out. Jane has spent the last few years with me on this day...for support. She knows this is a day that changed my life in so many ways. I'm trying not to think, maybe she'll call...maybe she'll remember...because its really not that important right now, remembering this day relative to her healing. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a small part of me that would love to hear her voice today...just for a moment...just to hear her say "I'm thinking of you". Strangely she has always been the first person to tell people about my 9-11 experience. It seems weird not to share it with her today.

As for my experience...why it is the best/worst day of my life...that's today story. I lived on Staten Island, was working at a university in lower Manhattan. I caught the 8:10 ferry that morning...a lovely 30 minute cruise into the SI Terminal near Battery Park. Typically I sat in the front, on the deck, taking in the sea breeze, watching the majesty of lower Manhattan loom into view. The sky was perfectly clear...it was the second week of the semester, and I had a 10am class that morning. We docked at 8:40am...I immediately went into the subway tunnel...2-3 stops and I'd be at City Hall which would take me to work, right across the street from City Hall and at the base of the Brooklyn Bridge. We waited for the subway..."Smoke condition at the World Trade Center"...nothing new under the sun there...this happens all the time on the subway system. So a few moments later, a subway arrives. They won't be stopping at the WTC but warned people to get off either right before or right after the WTC stop. As we approached the stop underground, however, we were told they'd let people ON, but NO ONE was to get off because of the smoke condition. Whatever... We stop, someone gets on all frazzled..."A plane hit the WTC..." Many of us laughed...yup...and martians have landed on the moon. Stuff like that doesn't happen...perhaps it was a small commuter plane, like the one that hit the Empire State Building so many years ago...but a jetliner...HA HA HA...not likely. I prepared to get off at the next stop.

As I emerged from the subway stairs, you could smell smoke and you could see a plume come from the first tower hit...papers flying everywhere...a surreal scene. SOMETHING DID HAPPEN...the person wasn't kidding... Fortunately my job was on the OPPOSITE side of Broadway from the towers so I could walk across City Hall Park and be in my office and not have to be closer than about 4 blocks from the WTC. As I began my trek across the park I looked up...saw the second jet aim for the other tower...heard a giant explosion...saw the fireball surround both buildings. I grabbed a woman walking next to me and we both did the "duck and cover" the kids learned in the 50's...not that there was any place to really duck but we ran for a few moments in case the fireball dropped down on us. Nothing...at that point it was contained at the towers. The sky was filled with helicopters...the streets were filled with people and police and firefighters and ambulances...a cacaphony of chaos more intense than the normal hub bub of peak commuting hour in downtown Manhattan. It was surreal. We were mesmerized by the destruction in front of us. Flames, smoke. papers flying...people jumping...beyond description...

I went into my office. My mom was in Newark Airport awaiting a flight out. Thankfully, flights were grounded before she was even supposed to take off. But I didn't know that for a while...I worried one of those planes could have had her on it...we had no idea where they came from. Only that they had found their final resting place in lower Manhattan. I watched the news...the Pentagon had been hit...another plane had crashed in Pennsylvania...WHAT THE F*CK was going on??? We were being attacked, that much was sure. I cancelled class and decided I had enough...time to go home. Back outside into the chaos to make my way down to the ferry terminal. Decided to walk since it was unlikely the subways would be running reliably right now.

I started out down Nassau Street. It runs parallel to Broadway and eventually merges into Broad Street when it passes the Stock Exchange. Figured that would be OK...enough of a buffer between me and the flames. Two blocks down the street and I hear another horrific crash...ANOTHER PLANE???? I had no idea...I was blocked by tall buildings. Three of us who were walking down the street suddenly found ourselves plastered against a building...shielding each other from the unknown. Then you heard screams...here comes a cloud...!!! So I ran east...towards the seaport. I figured if the flames were heading our way, the safest place was the water, even if it WAS the polluted East River. I could hop on a boat and perhaps even make my way down to the ferry terminal to get back to Staten Island.

Once I got to the seaport, the sky was dark with soot and smoke and papers and debris...the sun was blocked out. I couldn't see anything. I tried to make my way to the ferry terminal. I saw one man whose back and legs were not exactly in alignment lying on the ground with people comforting him. Computers broken...briefcases laid open with papers flying about. People look they are emerging from nuclear winter... Another major crash...still couldn't see ANYTHING. I approach the ferry terminal...I'm refused entry...lower manhattan is closed and I have to make my way north. I start walking up the FDR and I'm refused entry to the exit that will take me over the Brooklyn Bridge...the easiest route to where I want to go...the dust cloud has covered the roadway and they won't let me walk through it. I'd have to go further north to the next accessible bridge...the Williamsburg. I overhear a group of people saying they were heading to Staten Island...figured there was strength in numbers so I tag along. I don't remember their names but they remain engraved in my memory as wonderful people.

It is impossible to get a call through on my cell...cell towers are disabled...circuits are busy. As we head north I look back..."Where are the towers? Is the smoke still covering them?" NOPE...they're gone...fallen!! HOW??? WHEN??? WHAT DID I MISS? Then I remembered those horrific unknown crashes and I knew that is when it happened... If I wasn't in shock before, I was now. I kept walking...into Brooklyn...blocks in until I reached a subway station, as yet still not running, and settled down to eat something. I was still picking the dust and debris out of my hair and nose and mouth and clothes. The rest of the day was a blur...just trying to get home from subway to subway and bus and car...I got home around 5pm...left the house at 8am.

The worst part is that my house used to have the most spectacular view...I could sit on my porch or in my bedroom and see the NY harbor, the statue of libery, the WTC and the Brooklyn Bridge all in one panoramic view. Now all I saw was flames and smoke and destruction. And I had just brought my bedroom curtains to the cleaners so I couldn't shut it out...couldn't close off and forget what was happening.

It was the worst day for obvious reasons...no need to go into that. Why was it the best day? Well...it truly made me realize that life is short. I had been struggling before this with accepting what I had always tried to ignore...that I was a lesbian...that I was more attracted to women than men. But I lived in a bubble...didn't want to hide it or deal with it so I locked it all away. But then 9-11 happened and all the locks fell away and the door was wide open...I couldn't ignore it because all my defense mechanisms were shot to hell... It was finally there, staring me in the face and I had to deal with it...had to lead a more authentic life.

The next two years were ugly...individual therapy, couples therapy...then a decision to embrace my life and accept me for who I am. Doing that enabled me to really grow emotionally and spiritually...it enabled me to open the door to allow Jane into my life...showed me a depth of love I had NEVER EVER EVER thought possible for me...I figured it was a fantasy...someone else's dream but not for me. And then I met Jane and that was all I needed to know. I could have that love.

So 3 years have gone by since we met...since I opened up my heart to a love I never thought possible. We both thought we had found nirvana...had found our soulmate... So if you want to know why this point in time is so difficult, so hard to comprehend...read my story...know my heart...know that I've been through some pretty horrific changes in the last 5 years beyond anyone's comprehension. That I had come through it more whole, more at peace and more in love than I ever thought possible for one human being. It was the best day for me because it really made me realize that I am strong, and I am worth love...the best possible love imaginable, no matter what, and I won't settle for second best.

I miss Jane...I am strong, I love her and I'm not ready to give up hope yet because life is too short... I'd rather live through a dozen 9-11's than have her go through what she is going through right now. I want to make it all better, and I can't... I just want to hold her in my arms, and make it all go away for while. All I can do is hope and pray that the love that we shared sustains us.

I can't wait to talk to her soon...even if its not today...