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Day 25...Am I approaching acceptance?

Robyn

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First, I want to say...I'm not giving up hope yet...not yet. Really...! But I wrote about this in some of my early journaling that is not on-line...how does one make themselves ready for the worst case scenario while still maintaining hope and presence? I think I've done that. I believe I am prepared for this to end. Not that I want it or think there's a high probability of it happening right now, but I am prepared. And that's also not to say that I won't be angry and hurt and sad and devastated if that is what does indeed happen...but I've created space for that possibility within me. It is sitting there right next to my hope...almost like they are sitting there hand in hand...just waiting for their opportunity to act...waiting to be called up. We are waiting for her call...ready for any eventuality.

 

I was sitting today thinking about what I consider a healthy relationship. Jane has always known that I won't settle for someone who won't talk to me...who pushes me away...who runs instead of confronts the problem. I know she believed that was the healthy way to be as well because she always met me half-way... And when she was tempted to run, she always "self-monitored" and told me she was holding something back, confessed and moved forward communicating with me. I did the same. It was something we were proud of...we knew it was work but we knew it provided for us ENORMOUS rewards by allowing us to be open to the rewards of intimacy and honesty!

 

Anyway, I totally and completely understand that the stroke has created the emotional lability in her...that she is in survival mode...that romantic relationships are NOT a priority right now. I also accept that she has regressed to old comfortable coping mechanisms and "putting up walls"...old pre-relationship territory between us...is where she will be until she develops more emotional wherewithal as time goes on, to conquer her old intimacy fears. I have accepted those fears as part of her history and in the past, as long as she was willing to work past them, I always stayed with her every step of the way. That is how we built trust between us.

 

So that brings us to now...and the possibilities ahead of us. Essentially it comes down to two things... 1) she may WANT this relationship ultimately and WANT to reclaim her past emotional health but is unable to do so right now...she'll want to still keep some distance until she heals more. OR 2) she may want to give up and end this. I know that I am willing and able to stick with her for as long as is needed if she WANTS this relationship to continue. I will wait for her, fight for her, work with her for as long and as hard as it takes to make it happen. AND if its not meant to be after that, then I can accept that, even if it hurts. But if she wants to let this end without even trying, then it feels as if the last 3 years are a lie. I can't explain it but if she wants to end it, it means she doesn't have faith in our relationship...doesn't want to try to return to a place of good emotional health. I can't and won't fight her on that because there is no point. I DON'T WANT IT TO END because I know how good it WAS and CAN be still. But I can accept that is NOT a relationship to me...someone who leaves when the going gets tough...who backs away during the bad times...who doesn't WANT to have an intimate relationship. I would never have been in a relationship with her if that is how things were. They weren't, but I knew that had been her in the past and I knew it was something she worked on all the time. So if that is her choice, then I don't want a relationship under those terms. I deserve better...I deserve the best in all honesty. I think being able to accept that I WOULDN'T want a relationship under those circumstances allows me to accept that is a possibility and sit with it.

 

Does that make me a bad person? No...because I am not the person who would be leaving...I don't want to leave. I don't want to end it...but I don't want a relationship under those terms either.

 

So...here's another question...let's say she wants to end it now but realizes over the next 6 months or so that she made a mistake...that running away and leaving the relationship was foolish and an error. That she regained the expected clarity after the stroke and realizes that she wants to try again...doesn't want to lose what we had. Do I accept that...do I try again? I have kids...it is hard now explaining to them why we haven't heard from Jane. It will be even harder to explain why Jane doesn't want to be a part of our family any more if that's what happens. How do I let her in our lives again? How do I protect my kids? CAN I protect my kids? I know that no one can answer these questions and trying to answer it isn't exactly being present...in THIS moment. But that is out there for me... I also know it is several steps ahead of where things are right now so I don't see any point in trying to "WHAT IF" the situation.

 

But I don't want it to end, nor do I necessarily think it will end. But that chance is there...I'm not sure what odds I would give it but I guess maybe there is a 30-ish % chance she may want to walk away...maybe 20%...hard to tell because I haven't spoke with her in almost a month. I know she is only getting better in that time, but I don't know...it is still hard to judge. I think all the signs are good she'd hang in there until time heals her a bit... As I said in a previous blog, the advantages are that she was emotionally strong BEFORE the stroke and I know post stroke she wanted to retain that emotional strength and was working towards it. Another advantage is the connection we had while at rehab...that doesn't just disappear...the words and sentiments shared just don't disappear.

 

Anyway...I know I had been resisting even allowing that as a possibility. The "suffering" I have been feeling has been my resistance to that as a possibility. But I think I have found a way to keep my hope, but allow for the possibility of it ending to be there...hanging out...just sitting and waiting. Hoping not to be called to action, but it has to be there and ready, just in case. I am accepting there are just things I can't control and life will toss me what it will toss me...and I will survive...

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Phyllis4732

Perhaps I shouldn't "enter" your blog. After all they are really diaries and as such are not for others to read, but perhaps you could use some other ideas to clarify an unusual situation.

 

Just when was the last time you saw Jane? I believe you said you are 1000 miles apart. I also believe that you are on "friendly" conditions with those who she is with? Has she avoided your calls? Is she on medications that could cause this to happen?

 

Perhaps you are to a point where you should put your thoughts on a sheet of paper divided in the middle. I find doing that helps many times and makes difficuly situations clearer and easier.

 

I know how confusing this is for you- or at least I sense that. The end of my thinking is "What would Jane have done if the tables are reversed?

 

Phyllis :friends:

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Robyn

Phyllis...last time I saw her was 8/10 when I left her at the Rehab Hospital in New Mexico. A week later she left for Cape Cod to do outpatient at Spaulding Institute. I am in St. Louis area. I last spoke with her 8/16 when she asked me not to call her or write her or call her family. She said she wanted space to heal and she felt like there was an underlying discomfort she felt when thinking of our relationship. She said my desire to speak with her often and know what is going on with her was more a reflection of what I wanted rather than what she needed. She said she wanted to be selfish about her time right now and just focus on her healing.

 

I was friendly with those caring for her but I made two calls before she asked me not to call them and neither called me back. Then she asked me not to call so I haven't...I respected her wishes.

 

As for meds...she was on Neurontin, Requip, and a Blood Pressure med when I left New Mexico...I have no idea now.

 

I haven't tried to call her because she asked me not to so I don't know if she would have avoided my calls if I tried.

 

What would Jane have done...if I had asked her to stay away, she would have, just as I have done. But the difference between her and I is that she is the one with the intimacy issues, not me. I'm not sure I would've told her not to call or write or to not be in touch with my family. When her previous partner had surgery, Jane was her spokesperson and caregiver and remarked it made her feel closer to that person because of it. Jane had also said our relationship was FAR closer than anything she ever had with her previous partner...so...I don't know...

 

I'm not sure what the sheet of paper divided would add to my current thinking. In a sense I've done that. I absolutely and completely get the impact the stroke had on her. THe issue for me is whether she has a desire to move beyond that state to recapture the emotional health she had before the stroke. If she does, then I know she'd want to eventually work on the relationship, even if ultimately it didn't work out. If she doesn't then that is not a relationship I want to fight for.

 

What I'm trying to say is that I understand what happened but I'm allowing myself to comfortably walk away if she wants to or if her conditions really don't allow her to continue a relationship. Right now I just don't know what she is thinking...and that IS frustrating. But I have no desire to end it...I'm not giving up on her.

 

Does this make any sense?

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HostAsha

Robyn:

 

I know for a fact though every stroke is different, after stroke survivor goes into most self centered stage, we are still adjudting to our needs and our grief, so I can understand Jane's point of view, she does not have energy to deal with your insecurities, those are your own to deal with it, and on top of it if she got any speech issues than it makes it more difficult. Again from your blog I m not sure what kind of disabilities she is dealing with. I m glad that you are ready to accept that there can be point in your life when Jane might not be part of it

 

you just have to give it time to Jane for her to decide one way or other

 

Asha

 

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jriva
If she wants to let this end without even trying, then it feels as if the last 3 years are a lie.

 

Robyn,

 

I don't agree with your line up above. If you take the stroke out of the equation and just think about what happens in relationships to cause them to end it usually boils down to one or both people having changed or they have grown in different directions. That doesn't mean that what they started out with was a lie, that the emotions were faked.

 

Now, put the stroke back into the equation and THAT does change things, the way Jane is going to look at herself, the way she feels inside. Everything is different for her now. EVERYTHING. Relationships take work and if Jane decides that she just can't work on a relationship with you anymore, then that is ALL she is saying. Don't judge your last three years together as a lie if this happens. They were real at that point in time and we each leave a relationship having learned something of value.

 

But she is different now and you cannot ignore that. You also cannot ignore the fact that you were not the person she wanted around to help her through probably the worst crisis of her life. She may have pushed you away because she cares too much and didn't want you to suffer with her, or she may have judged you to be too needy and she couldn't deal with that and a stroke both. Whatever the case, I hope when you make contact with her in a few days that it turns out the way you want it to. But keep in mind that people often get involved in long distance relationships because they are "safe" and they don't interfere with their "other life." You're wanting that relationship back, or wanting even more from her, may not be possible in Jane's post-stroke world.

 

 

Jean

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Robyn

I am ready to let it all go...honestly, it is just too hard and hurts too much. I'll see how things go if/when she calls but I'm ready to let it all go if that's what she wants because it is just too painful. I would never leave her but if she wants to end it I won't fight it...I just can't...

 

I appreciate things have changed for her...unfortunately they haven't changed for me...that's what makes this so ugly and unfair. I would give the world to her...I would do ANYTHING for... If the stroke has permanently changed her, I can't fight it...its done...

 

But I have my life and my kids to deal with...If I were her primary caregiver I would do it lovingly and gladly but since she doesn't want it or me...honestly, that is not a partnership to me...that is not "in sickness and in health" which was my pledge to her.

 

It makes me so sad to hear stories of all of you caring for your spouses and having them be so grateful for that in time...that love is still there. I know the care is not easy but I would love to have been given a chance. I feel like I'm not begin given that chance which makes me feel like what we had really wasn't what I thought it was.

 

Sorry...I'm just really really sad...

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