My, how busy it has been since Bill's return from the SNF...Many, many changes in his condition seem to make my life so busy that I am once again losing "me"...

As I think I may have blogged, Bill was started on an additional Alzheimer's medication called Namenda when he was most recently hospitalized. The great part is that he is much more alert, coversant and "with it". He is showing a sense of humor once again, is able to carry on a conversation and rather than sleeping about 16 hours a day, he is awake about 14 hours. He was also started on 5 mg. of Celexa, and since then his crying inappropriately has all but disappeared.

What has this all meant to me? His needs (demands?) seem to once again have increased, and everytime I come in to take a leisurely few minutes for myself to look at the board I hear the familiar "Baby, what are you doing?" Even though he may have seemed to be sleeping...it invariably happens. In fact, I just heard those words....It is difficult, because if I'm cleaning, washing clothes, ANYTHING other than on the computer he is satisfied - I think it's an emotional thing with him, and we are going to HAVE to work this out. Time, it will take time.

It is good to have him back to his old self in so many ways - mainly the intellectual Bill seems to be returning and we can carry on conversations. His memory had gotten so bad that he couldn't remember a sentence he wanted to say beyond about the 2nd word.

I am finding though that I miss being able to share here. It's all an inward thing, and he certainly isn't tying me down to keep me from the computer, but his mother says he's just like his dad - wanting my undivided attention. Not a trait that is particularly attractive, and for this naturally co-dependent person it's a situation I struggle with - guilt if I'm not right there, and resentment if I am!! (One Day at a Time...)

Bill will be celebrating his 57th birthday Friday. On the 25th of the month he will be two years post stroke - It's hard to know which "anniversary" to mark - the October 25th when he lost his ability to read, write and his vision on the right side or the March 21st date when he lost his short-term memory, developed aphasia and right-side weakness so we mark both dates. He certainly didn't expect to be living now. When he was younger he always told his family he wouldn't live past 55 - in many ways he was right. His life certainly changed and he lost so very much at 55.

I have to admit, I'm getting a little weary of "adjustments". Emotionally all this is taking its toll. It's very difficult to brace for the "worst" and then the exact opposite happens. So, I'm thankful and relieved for a time and then another bomb hits. That crisis passes and for a few weeks or months everything seems to be rolling along, then I am hit again. Recovery means different things to each survivor. In Bill's case, recovery has seemed to be more maintaining than regaining. Sue so aptly puts it when she says she is thankful for a few "good days". I'm very thankful for these good days and weeks, so I am taking advantage of them.

One of the good things that has happened is that we have received partial settlement of the class action suit of which Bill has been a part of having to do with Zyprexa and it's causing diabetes and it's residual affects. The first deposit was made to our checking account a week ago last Saturday, and of course the bank has a right to hold funds for 7 - 11 business days. In spite of a telephone number the attorney furnished, in spite of the fact that the result of their phone call revealed that money had been withdrawn and was transferring, the bank still hasn't released the funds. I was told Friday it would be today. Today it hasn't been released and I've been told it will be available tomorrow morning. It seems that nothing moves smoothly. My stress level has been so high - and I've been trying so hard to be patient, but it's hard. Another lesson for me to learn - will they never end?

OK - this is my life! Thanks to you all for your concern. I do take time to read the posts, and I've wanted to responds, but the time just fleets so quickly. I'm going to get better though at juggling all the responsiblities!!