It's only been six days and I am tired already. Having Ray come back home was a big adjustment for us both. We have lived together for 38 years, the last seven of which I have been a full-time caregiver for Ray. It was marvellous how quickly I took to jumping into the car whenever I wanted to go out, choosing what I wanted to eat and when and having a full bed to myself! It was like the doors of the cage had opened and all the world was mine. Not anything like it is whan he is home and fully my responsibility.

For him because he had had a staff of twenty five looking after him and all the others ( it is a 80 bedroom hostel) and that meant someone checking on him all the time. His medication, meals, snacks and drinks all appeared like magic, his bed was made, room cleaned, towels changed, even better than a high class resort. And there was entertainment, bus trips, and a couple of special concerts. It really is a great place to be for many of the oldies there. That is the ones who have decided for themselves that this is what they want. Apparently a few are still stuck in "when I go back home".

For those of you who have never had a break I know this must all sound very self-centred. I realise I was lucky to have the freedom, if only briefly. I do feel much rested, but sleeping with someone who has clonus ( a very jumpy left leg in Ray's case) who groans and moans in their sleep, gets up five or six times through the night etc. suddenly seemed to limit the sleep I was getting. So today we went out and I ordered our new twin single beds. It was a very expensive exercise but if it will help me to have a good night's sleep and wake up rested and refreshed then it will have been worth it.

I think I dealt with all the issues that arose when I first thought of us in "separate beds". It has taken quite a while to fully decide this was the next move but I am happy to have made the decision now. After all the angst it was actually breaking one of the legs off our old marital bed that brought the decision into the present. It was a kind of "burning your bridges" I guess and hopefully we will still remain in the same room for a while and this will just be part of the process of change and one we have made as a free choice.

I met a couple of people while I was out shopping today, both fairly recent widows and this brought another issue into focus. Most of the time I can ignore the problems Ray has in addition to his stroke deficits, but as one woman talked about her late husband I realised that a lot of what he had was similar to what Ray has now, only Ray's is at an earlier stage. It is hard sometimes to face facts, I am very good at kidding myself that all is well in my world. But medical facts somewhat complicate that optimistic view of life.

I'm thinking that although we don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Australia ( it is peculiar to USA) maybe I could sit down and write out a list of things I am thankful for. Our earliest colonial settlers were first imprisoned and then emancipated convicts who had been transported from England and Ireland and didn't have a lot to be thankful for. Our latest arrivals, most of whom have come from some war-ravished country could sure use some time to think about their thankful list though. I guess everyone gets tired of the most recent migrants wanting the lifestyle of their new country to conform to their expectations? We do.

So I am tired, not only because I am getting disturbed sleep again but I have to pick up where I left off as far as looking after Ray goes. It is not just doing all the housework, yardwork etc, but also knowing I am again full-time 24 hour caregiver to Ray, fighting for his right to care and all his other needs to be met . Medical appointments start again tomorrow with a visit to his local doctor, next week is his neurologist, then blood work etc. I sure got back into that fast, didn't I?