Somewhere in the last seven years Ray and I got blended. I don't know how it happened as we used to be very different individuals. We had separate jobs, separate cars, separate lifestyles. We kept different schedules, had separate bank accounts and made separate friends. Or maybe I should say colleagues as those I thought of then as friends are not our friends today. We have retained a couple but the rest are long gone.

Then Ray had the major strokes and our world for a while revolved around his medical needs, the hospital, then the rehab and when he came home the medical appointments and the in-house rehab. Now I was required to be his nursemaid, his driver, the housekeeper, the social secretary etc. Those of you who are caregivers will see where all this is going as you have been there. And I lost sight of the "me" I used to be.

I don't think it was anyone's fault, she just faded away. Her time and energy and focus in life was gone. There was little time to be just "Sue" or Susan" nor the career girl, the member of clubs,the member of executives on committees. I was still Mum, Granma, daughter and sometimes even had time to be a good friend. But most of my individual pursuits were given up in favour of Ray and his needs.

I don't think I realised how bad this had become until a past member here started to tell me I was "co-dependent". Now I don't think I ever was but I had assumed that the blended role that I had taken up when Ray became more in need of my services was the only role there would be for me now. And somewhere along the line I had lost the personality of the person that I was and was weakened because of that. The thought of the independence I had lost sometimes built up resentment, anxiety and even in some cases, anger. I had become almost solely Sue, caregiver to Ray and I was not entirely happy with that role.

My time on this board, reading , educating myself on strokes has shown me different approaches to caregiving. Even in extreme cases it is possible to be a caregiver and not actually lose your whole personality in the process. My time alone recently confirmed that I needed to look at this aspect of my life. I knew that away from Ray I felt a whole lot different about life, functioned differently and approached life differently. Also other people treated me differently, more like they used to when I was an independent working woman.

Now I have Ray back home I need to implement some changes so I don't lose this advantage. I can't let the strokes and Ray's poor health totally absorb my energies. I need to keep some in reserve for being simply myself. I don't have a workable plan to accomplish this yet, I am still working on it, but I hope now my life has turned the corner and there will be some new ways of looking at life in the time ahead of me. I don't want to think this will diminish my role as Ray's caregiver, just that I can be Ray's caregiver and still be myself.