since i had plenty of "time" on my hands last night, i started thinking about who were my favorite artists, composers, authors, etc . the list was QUITE extensive. anyway, i narrowed it down to the following.

artist: vincent van gogh

composer: sergei rachmaninoff

author: edgar allen poe

i hope i spelled their names correctly. after i thought about my FAVORITES, i realized what they all three have in common. they were all purported to have been mentally ill. even if the stories and biographies are just "rumors" and not actually documented, all one has to do is review their work to know that they were NUTS!!!!

second thought about this. WHY is it that out of ALL of the artists in the WORLD, living or dead, did I pick out three who were mentally ill???? why do i relate to them so well???? i have to wonder if the "birds of a feather" saying is appropriate here!!!!!

just a fleeting thought i have going on in my head: how can a person KNOW if they're mentally ill. i've had SEVERAL mental evaluations because i felt crazy, and they all fell within the realms of "normal", with slight "borderline" tendencies like paranoia and unrealistic suspicians. how will i know for sure when that "line" of the border has been crossed? if it hasn't already?

so what if i AM mentally ill. if i already am, it's not so bad. but i would like to know though. just so i'll have en excuse when i do crazy stuff. which is often. i am not in ANY way making fun of mental illness. i am dead serious. my grandfather was mentally ill, but no one will tell me what type of illness that he had!!!! i also know that mental illness is many times hereditary.

oh well, i just felt like writing it down. i wonder if people "think" i'm mentally ill. BIZARRE, ECCENTRIC, CRAZY, STRANGE, WILD EYED, WEIRD, are all adjectives that people have used to describe me in the past. i'm also creative, intelligent, and have mood swings that are similar to bi-polar affective disorder, which i don't have( so they SAY) combine all of these ingredients and you get a fruitcake.

i guess i'll take my crazy self home now!!!!