i binged and purged from the ages of 15 to 28. that's how i stayed thin. after chest pains and an ekg, i was told by my 300 lb doctor that if i didn't quit, the heart arythmia would turn into "heart stop", so i reluctantly stopped, little by little. the BAD thing was that my body was in "starve mode" so EVERYTHING i ate made me get fatter and fatter until i was obese.

after many years of struggle, i have gotten my weight and my binge purge problem under control, for the most part. HOWEVER, beginning last friday night i have been eating like there is no tomorrow until yesterday. i think it was a "trigger" food. it all started out with a can of anchovies. they looked innocent enough.

i have eaten the following since last friday until tuesday.

anchovies, lasagne( and lots of it) a loaf of french bread, a roast ( 3lb), 2 boxes of macaroni, several plates of spaghetti, a dozen eggs, a lb of bacon, several plates of pancakes and syrup, 3 wendy's cheeseburgers( doubles,all the way) a bag of french fries, 2 gallons of icecream, a box of cookies, 8-10 candy bars, bag of m&m's (1lb bag), shrimp alfredo ( the WHOLE pot), a pot of chilli, 2 bars of cheddar cheese, a cheesecake, pack of hotdogs( 8 pack ), bucket of kfc( 12 piece) with the 3 large side orders and biscuits, 12 taco bell supreme tacos, 10 krystal chicks, 2 double whoppers from burger king, 2 mcdonalds double quarter pounders, 3 large roast beefs and 3 orders of cheese sticks from arby's, and several 2 liter cokes. there may be more that i already had at home but can't recall. it's STAGGERING!!!!!

i know most of this, not from memory, but because i save all receipts for tax purposes since i'm self employed. if i turn in THESE receipts, i'm afraid i'll be audited for fraud!!!!! somehow i managed NOT to purge unless you count the otc laxatives and taking my dad's lasex. the question is, WHY? i'm not really sure but i have been under some stress. it has taken several quarts of water and the pills i just mentioned and a day and a half of "recovery" to feel normal again. it's crazy.

anyway, it doesn't make me feel good to do this except at the moment. i'm only having water and juice for a few days to "cleanse the system". i hope i can find the strength not to do this again. the last time was nearly three years ago. i just don't get it. oh well, i'm considering it a "slip" and moving forward. it is therapeutic to write it down. and SHOCKING for me to actually see it in print.