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Better or Worse? (Rant)



I just got a phone call from the retina specialist and there is still a blockage behind my right eye - it's not stable and they will have to change the meds I'm on. My vision in the left eye changes as the blockage in the right eye fluctuates. Nothing they can do. My vision in the right eye will only get worse, never better. And to think that I thought only seeing dark most of the time was bad.


The doctor is calling all the other doctors on my case from my primary doctor to my neurologist - it's that important.


I hang up the phone and burst into tears (which is rare for me to do - crying).


I told my husband that the only way to get through this was to be my sardonic-sarcastic self and he just shrugged and walked away. In "Sean body language" that means this is not an option. So I guess I'm supposed to dissociate from medical problems that have changed my life in every way but not dissociate from him. I"m beginning to realize how much I can't count on my husband. He makes comments about the housekeeeping lately. Um...huh? It'a a real challenge to do laundry now...to vacuum, etc. Dishes get broken a lot these days and he gets mad? I'm the one who can't handle holding a plate in my left hand and keep forgetting that.


He's not helping. When did I sign on as a housekeeper? A wife yes, housekeeper no. I'm not getting paid for that. When he wants to pay me to clean house like I used to, I'll try - but the money had better be worth the effort!


He will even argue about how my medical appointments and therapies get in the way of his schedule, then he gets mad when I tell him to schedule the appts. A no win situation.


I mean, come on, I haven't even turned 40 yet. I feel like a ticking time bomb and I'm inoperable. I didn't sign up for this. And my husband is not being supportive - he doesn't understand this whole thing at all except in medical terms.


Tomorrow I have therapy and then my neurology appointment, it's gonna be a very long day. My neurologist's office just called to make sure I'm coming tomorrow b/c he heard from Dr. Hawthorne and needs to talk with me. I can't wait for that conversation...should be stimulating and evocative, thus providing me with an endless array of questions that will not and can not be answered in a clear concise manner in which I can accept it.


I think that's why I've been sleeping more lately. Escape - I'm back to the point where nothing worse can happen to me. Lately I can't seem to stay awake.


Wow - am I angry. I just realized how much so. A lot has to do with my husband - the rest with everything changing in my life. I mourn for the days when I could curl up with a good book (I'm a voracious reader and zone out with audio books).


I also figured out that popping bubble wrap and brushing the dogs is helping with my manual dexterity. I'm trying to end my posts on a positive note.


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I can definitely understand the feeling when your family doesn't even care enough to see what it is you are struggling through even tho you place the information in front of them, It helped to live apart, but even my daughter has never tried to learn about anything affecting my health, I was blown away when the couple at church starting helping me with never a frown over being inconvenienced, and even now are so very supportive of the things I can't manage, and proud when I accomplish something new, I will pray for god to send you some angels like mine,

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