Well the doctors found a heart block now and I need a heart cath to find out how much it's blocked and what needs to be done. I asked the only person available to take me for the cath and she refused. So, tomorrow I will call the cardiologist and cancel it. I can hardly drive myself home from the hospital after that kind of invasive procedure. Or, if I have to have open heart surgery, what then? Take the bus? Yah, ok.

My doctor told me she doesn't think I'll ever return to work. After thinking about that and knowing people go back to work after strokes, heart attacks, etc. I figured out that she thinks I'm going to die.

All the tests the neurologist ordered are finally done. Now I wait to find out if I need brain surgery. Same dilemma....who will care for me? NO ONE!

How did I get here? How did I make someone who is suppose to love me,hate me so much that she'd rather see me dead then to be there for me in my time of need? I guess it's my fault that she feels the way she does about me. Deep down I know it's partly due to her own mental illness but, that doesn't ease the pain in my heart. Maybe someday she'll feel differently...I only hope it's not too late if that ever happens.

I was doing so well. I quit smoking, I was eating better and losing weight. I was determined to get well, to prove my doctor wrong and get back to work, to get my life back together. Now, I don't care anymore. The fight is gone. The will to live is gone. I can't do this alone. I don't even want to try anymore. Being sick sucks but, being sick and totally alone is the worst. The stress and worry is killing me. The sadness overwhelms me.

For now I live alone, cry alone, and I'll die alone. My only prayer now is that God takes me soon. I'm not sure how much longer I can live with this heartache.