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Grief...


l_klakring

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I had a bad dream last night...

 

In my dream, my son was dying upstairs. My grief was indescribable and my guilt was worse. I could feel his wife's grief and as bad as mine was, hers was worse. I held myself back because he was her husband and she was his wife and they needed time alone together. I wanted to be by his side but she needed to be with him more. When I couldn't wait anymore, I went up to see him. Thankfully, the dream ended.

 

My guilt was that I didn't die, so he was dying instead of me. In real life, I carry this guilt with me when I hear of someone dying.

 

I know what brought this dream on. A very close friend of mine had a son. Her son never felt he was good enough. I believe he had dyslexia and had a terrible time in school and always felt he was stupid. No amount of encouragement from his parents or talking to him or counseling ever changed his mind. He always felt he was no good.

 

I know people can tell you until they are blue in the face about all the wonderful attributes you have to contribute to the world and how much their being in your life means to you. If they don't believe it, they will never feel better about themselves. We all have varying degrees of self-talk to ourselves. Some, like Olympic-grade athletes are trained to have the ability that if they make a mistake, they look forward, forget about the bad moment. This is a very good survival trait, I think. There are some of us who lambast ourselves about our mistakes and can't let go those mistakes. Some of us, not wanting to, wear them as medals on our chest. But for my friend's son, I cannot imagine the depths he travelled down to end in the position he found himself.

 

Early on in his teenage years, he became involved in drugs. This is easy to understand if you know how badly he felt about himself.

 

My friend and her husband were out of town when they received a call that their son died. They don't know if he died of an overdose or committed suicide but he died a couple of days ago. Whatever way he chose, this has crippled his parents with grief. I cannot know the amount of pain my friend is feeling but I know she is a very special person and did everything she could think of to help her son. She did it with love. She is now moving away from me as she travels down this lonely path of grief; a path where I cannot be by her side to help give her strength and support. In that way, I mourn and grieve for her for having to go through something so devastating and I cannot help her.

 

Hug your children, kiss your children and let them know how much you love them. As my children were growing up, I took every opportunity to tell them how much I love them. Perhaps they think I did it too much; I'm afraid I didn't do it enough. I know some people have said you can say "I love you" too much. I hope they are wrong. Take Care. LK

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Lucy,

 

You can never EVER say to a child "I Love You" too much as far as I'm concerned. The greatest fear, for me, as a parent, is to outlive my child. I know that too is a fear of many parents. It was a fear of my one grandmother and' she outlived her son, my Dad. Until the day she died, she carried that deep inside her as she developed Alzheimers several years prior to her death.

 

Yes, right now, your friend must walk alone as you have not walked the same path as she is now. You can still be there to support her. If her son was suffering so much, his suffering now has hopefully ended. You do have in common with her the 5 stages of grief she will be traveling through, as all of us survivors have traveled that particular road.

 

(((Hugs))) to you as you venture forth to help her.

 

 

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hey Lucy:

 

sorry about your friend's loss. I bet it must be hard for her, but knowing that her son is at better place now hope that gives her peace.

 

Asha

 

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So sorry to hear of your friends loss.. and your loss,as you were close to your friend you also feel the pain and loss. You may not be walking in your friend's shoes, but you can be there for her. A phone call, lunch, just sitting with her sometimes.Best Wishes to you.

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This is such a sad story. Someone once said that when you lose your parents, you lose the past; but when you lose a child, you lose the future. Your friend is probably feeling that right now. There will come a day when she will be ready to accept your help so you will have to be patient for now. You and your friend can use all our prayers.

 

Vi

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Thank you all for your kind words and support. I am working towards being able to get to my friend. She lives in PA while I live in MD. By this weekend, I will be driving my Miata locally. Depending on how things go, I will work towards making longer trips. Then, I will be ready to go visit her when she is ready to receive visitors. To date, I have been driving my Miata up and down the driveway! At least I know the clutch leg works...the brakes, too! :) Take Care. LK
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Good for you Lucy, you are still working on recovery and driving is a big part of opening up your world.

 

So sorry to hear about your friend's son. Here also too many of our young people take their own lives. Such a pity when as we all know here life is really worth fighting for and minor set-backs can't break the human spirit. But depression untreated can.

 

Looking forward to you being able to get out and about again and telling us all about it in your blogs.

 

Sue.

 

 

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