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Black n Gold - a religion!



Yes, you read the heading correctly. That's what a banner showed today during the Steeler defeat of 49ers 37-16. Steeler fans bleed black n gold I do believe. We're now 3-0. Taking on AZ Cardinals next Sunday. My dear brother is going out to Phoenix with a huge group of guys ( they go away to a game each year). If we were still living there, he was going to have extra tickets and take Kristi and I. That's ok though...I would not want to go back in time to being there. I'll sit in my livingroom and swing my terrible towel while scaring Crystal with my whoops and whahooos :D.


A post this week by a member got me thinking...am I a terrible daughter cos I left AZ with my child and maybe call there one time per week? There are times that I wish things could have been different between us not only post stroke but pre stroke. Of course that's my perspective and her ex-sister-in-law's perspective (my Auntie-dearest).


We cannot change the past, we cannot undo the wrongs from our parents. I cannot create the loving parent my mother "thinks" she is and tells everyone she is and has been. Again, that's cos I can't change the past. It is sad that I have learned so much about the lies and deception that have prevailed over the years - things I would love to reveal that I know - but there would be massive denial.


I am happy that I have stopped that cycle between my daughter and I that is for sure - but have I totally? What other ramifications of the stroke are waiting to strike out at me as the years go by. As I was writing this, Kristi came and was reading over my shoulder. She's told me not to worry. I had a mini-meltdown - I do not want to be my mother or even her mother. Kristi told me she will love me no matter what, but I'm still concerned. That's the future, which we have no control over.


I can only continue my prayers that the cycle remains broken...or....if I do become her...I'm taken from this world so my daughter only has good memories of me.


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donna dear, i send you congrats for your win today but next week is another story,lol. today was 1st day of fall here in sunny az and it was a really nice cool day for a change. just remember kristi loves you because you are you and not your mother. you cant change the past nor predict the future. your mother has no clue about strokes or how they affect people. all you have to worry about is you and kristi, not your mom, she is her own keeper. kristi is growing up and sees things for herself, so don't worry so much. enjoy your games, your towel and crystal &kristi in your new life. go cardinals and cowboys............. lol

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The good news is that each of us can create our life and our relationships in the future as we see they need to be. You have to decide how to relate to your Mom and to Kristi. The other good news is that as we get older we gain wisdom of what to do and not do. Most of us have decided at some point we are going to be different than our parents. The amount of that difference can vary, but the decision is important.


I am sure that whatever you decide is what you should decide. Whatever happened in the past is over. The future is always open. One important thing is not to be intimidated. Don't let your Mother get to you. Kristi is obviously very supportive of you. It sounds as if her head is already screwed on appropriately. Not bad for a teenager.


I will have to admit I get a bit wistful and a bit jealous when various people write about problems with their parents. Mine are both long dead. There are days I wish they were still here. I'm not sure I always made the correction decisions regarding them when they were alive, but I have to let go of it, and move on into the future.

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Dear Donna--I don't know very much about football or baseball. The only reason I went to the games (always at someone's invitation, not on my own initiative :) ), was for the hot dogs and beer! For some reason they taste better at the ball park.


Pls don't fret about your mother. She is living her life as best she can in her "world" as you are doing for you and Kristi. Everyone has a perspective on life and sometimes they just don't coincide. The bad part is the feelings that get hurt along the way.


A couple of weeks ago, someone was telling about about a person who was released from jail. The ex-con had committed a horrendous act and now was living in my DIL's parents' neighborhood. The ex-con was living w/ family as, I suppose, he couldn't find any other place on his own. They were lamenting that the family had to take him in because he was "family." I disagreed.


My philosophy is that we have a choice as to who we bring into our lives and who we choose not. It may sound a bit harsh but we can choose the avenues we go down. Its laudable for family to want to help someone like that but I feel there is a line. Usually, in a situation like the ex-con's, the family ends up being an enabler. They will never have peace. (I will give the shirt off my back to someone, if I think they need it. I'm not talking about those situations).


To a lesser degree, because your situation probably is not as horrific as the story I related, you have made a choice about your mother. I think, in support of you, you made a good decision. You not only have your own peace of mind to think about but you also have Kristi's. You don't need your mother's drama.


You made a good decision to move to Pittsburgh to be near your brother. This scenario sounds like it brings you joy more so than what you left behind. Someone told me we teach people how to treat us. If they are "toxic" in our lives, its best to cut the cords, unless, of course, we like drama in our lives. Don't worry about your Mom. Don't worry about the future. (One time, I ruefully apologized to my husband and separately to my boys because when taking care of my Mom (Amah), I told my family when I get Alzheimer's I know I won't be as sweet as she. So, you may apologize for possible future behavior but don't worry about it. Worry accomplishes nothing). Enjoy the daughter you have and... Take Care. LK

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I agree 100% with Lin, and hopefully writing down your own fears and getting affirmation from your own child must have given you peace of mind. don't be quick to judge your mom's actions. not everybody is textbook parents or children, we all try to do our best with the amount of wisdom we have. hopefully as we grow older & have these life experiences under our belt, it makes us more equipped, wiser & better.





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I agree with all the above. As far as your family, I do understand. You have made a great choice, you are making an effort to understand and make sure you don't make the same mistakes. Trying to understand and make corrections is great. I too have family problems, but many in my family just can't see beyond the end of thier nose. They see only what they want to see. Good luck to you and your daughter. You are doing what you can.


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