Ann,

You are venting here Dear instead of at Bill, which is why we're here. Not all Caregiving (nor the majority of it) is a walk in the park. One question for you....how much time are you spending for Ann, not Bill and Ann, but just Ann. It's good that your step-son does help out but you are still taking on too much yourself. It's vital for you to be physically and emotionally healthy to be able to carry on and be beneficial to all of you. As to the decorating - there is no law that says you must go all out - reduce what you do put out to vary the "Christmas look".

(((hugs)))

Ann, It is okay to sit on the "pity pot" just remember to flush...LOL We all have those days!One year I didn't feel much like decorating.. I have a little 2 foot tree with fiber optics, I put it out and a few decorations on the entertainment center........ Sometimes... going thru a few motions actually helps us .. Bakeries, grocery stores have pretty cookies and goodies.If you are tired and Need some Ann time... take some short cuts this year. Internet shopping and gift cards... are another one of my short cuts..lolI'm glad your step-son helps, but maybe have a little chat.. and have him spend some extra time, and you make some plans for a treat just for Ann.

Ann, no encouragement from me as I think it is "tough love" time again.

Remember back to raising teenagers? Your son is suddenly sick EVERY Thursday - then you discover he is due to hand in his science assignment that day? What do you do?

1. The "Early Bird" treament - you get him up an hour early on that day, before he can do the "Mum I am so sick" routine. Ignore all protests.

2. You give him "Emotional Blackout". "Honey, if you still have both legs you get in that car."

3. You give him the "Empty Room" treatment. Everything electrical comes out, he goes in, draw the blinds. This leaves plenty of thinking time.

4. You have the "Kitchen Closed" sign up. No hot drinks, no cold drinks, no bedside service. Nothing, just him in an empty room.

5. You have a "Day at Home" day. You chat on the phone, you come on the computer. "Honey, don't bother me, I'm having my time off, remember?"

I am sure you are now thinking of all those times when you pitted your wits against someone who was trying to manipulate you. If this is what you feel Bill is doing it is "tough love" time.

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

Ann,

If you don't feel like decorating for Christmas, don't do it. I didn't put up a tree the first two years after Gary's stroke, finally did it last Christmas, but not planning on making all that work for myself again this year. It's too much, and when the spirit isn't in it, the body isn't willing to do it. It sounds like you're experiencing burnout and you need those breaks for yourself. I have to agree with Sue's advice regarding the emotional lability issue.

Sarah

hi ann,

i read your blog and i kept wishing i had a magic wand. i cannot imagine what being a caregiver 24/7 must be like each day. let's face it holiday decorating, baking, present shopping are activities that take planning, energy and effort. i was talking to my sister yesterday and we were discussing the fact that christmas trees are out before holloween and the buying frenzy is pushed not long after. what makes a holiday important anyway? the love of family and friends. if you have religious beliefs it is a time to share and reflect. i used to decorate bake, can and find the perfect ,thoughtful gift, do clever crafts....blah blah, blah.i do not have the energy or focus now and i realize that all the holiday glitter is just not important. my family still loves me and my friends understand my limits. a simple holiday can be relaxing and still meaningful. it really is okay to let it go. do a little holiday or more depending on how you feel and not because of the expectations of others.

i think it is perfectly cool not to be in the holiday mood this year - as long as you are comfortable with your decisiion. i think listening to your heart and body does not makes you a scrooge. i think it just says that you have boundries and limits. perhaps this is the year to give yourself a gift....of caring for ann....for giving your needs a voice.

as a survivor i know how hard it can be when rountine changes - even for a day. bill may feel anxious and fearful on the wednesdays that are set for respite. i wonder about the being sick part. you know bill is being cared for and you need your time. no human being, no matter how loving and committed can do what you do each day without down time. time to let your soul catch up with your body.

now, i have blathered on and i just wanted to say i care :friends: kathy

Ann Stroke changes everything for us I'm feeling the same this year Wayne is too busy to decorate he has to look after his 85 yr old failing dad and me our needs & med appts - and still works full time neither daughter will be home we'll have a sm meal for Dad eating is still one of his pleasures

Our Christmas celrbrations have to changeyou just have to put away all the decorations you dig out - this way is easiier treat yourself to a new Christmas CD

Good thing for us Church is guiding us in giving activities we agreed our Christmasses would Change

I do what I can with one hand & leg & half a brain I have to let lots of it go or we will both go nuts who needs to bake & decorate 20 dz sugar cookies anymore

Storeboughht pies & box dressing will suffice

Dec is a tough month our anniv my BD This too shall pass we have certtaicertainly distorted Christmas

We must learn to let it go - if it's not life threatening or Morally reprehensible "-- Barb Coloroso

Love to you & Bill

Susan