There HAS to be a way to get Larry out of the SNF and home. I spent the whole day there today, and it is beyond horrible. The smell...the sounds...the staff that is totally institutionalized and does not care...the over-medication...the list just doesn't end. Despite my resolution yesterday not to be a victim of the stroke anymore, I sure feel like a victim today. How do you fight this? The system is so huge, and they seem to have all the power.

I'm going to make out a budget and see what would happen if I trimmed every ounce of fat out of the finances. Could I stay home then and quit working to care for Larry? At least for a while? I would still have to hire someone to help, since I don't know how to do the skilled nursing procedures, but I have to think that anything would be better than the place he is now - think peeling wallpaper, torn curtains, a window that looks out at a blank wall and a cement floor, and pretty much total incompetence. I will change diapers, cook special food, live at the poverty level; whatever I have to do. There has to be a way. I think his family would help some with the money, if it was within reason. Larry will collect his full salary until the end of the year, and maybe I could live on that. It would at least buy us that much time. Also, I can stay on his medical insurance for free for as long as I live, which is very lucky. Still, I've worked all my life. The idea of not having a job is frightening, but I don't think I can live with myself if I don't try to find a way out of this situation. These people will kill him, or make him not want to live anymore, which is the same thing.

I may not be able to manage it, I really don't know. It hasn't even been a month, and I'm still sorting out what the monthly expenses really are (a lot of stuff is automatic debit, so I just have to wait for things to hit and then see what they are). Even though Larry has a Ph.D. and I barely graduated from high school I still make a lot more money than he does - sad commentary on the value placed on education.

So, I'm really down again today. On the plus side, I didn't melt down, and I didn't take Xanax or any other medication, so maybe I'm learning to accept that this is going to be reality for a while. On the negative side, this is really an unbearable situation and something has to give or one day soon I am just not going to be able to get out of bed and deal with this anymore.

-Janine