Katrina,

Maybe the miracle was never meant to be how you regained the use of your arm and hand after stroke, maybe it was always meant to be how you triumphed despite of it. A person's worth is not measured by what limbs or extremities work or don't work. Your worth is about what you contribute to LIFE.

The OT probably knew she only had a limited amount of time to work with you and that her focus needed to be on what would be the most helpful to you in that moment. That was getting you to be able to do things as independently as possible- as quickly as possible. She probably would have loved to spend time working on your affected arm but she knew she had only enough time to focus on one thing, and teaching you to live using one arm took precedence (which she KNEW you could do). It was a gamble to put all the eggs in the basket that she should focus on retraining your affected arm, after all, what if she failed? I know you wish this was the path she had chosen, to at least give it a shot. It very well may have turned out differently. It just wasn't the decision that was made at that time.

I know you don't want to hear this right now but I am going to say it anyway: You ARE strong; you ARE beautiful; you ARE amazing; and YOU have much to give this world. Please don't deny us your gifts.

Krsiten

Katrina:

I agree with Kristen completly. it's okay to feel sorry for one's destiny. but this is hand we all are dealt with it, it's not important what kind of hand we are given. It's how we play our hand that makes us survivor. In time like these I will tell you one thing my hubby always tells me. keep your head above water & be sure things are going to change. yes it wuld have been good if we had our limbs in functioning order. but even with these difficulties you are still blessed. & you make a huge difference in many people's lives with your strong spirit.

Asha

Katrina I am closer to Granma age and I look back over my life a long way back now so I can see things that you can't. Having said that you are wise with that "wisdom born of pain" and you KNOW deep down in your heart that you have an advantage over those of your "friends" who have not been through what you have been through because you have been through it.

Look at your hand with the eyes of love, it is still there, it still has potential, it may still be handy to hold things, to help you balance, to hold that future baby. You wouldn't want to go through life with just the one arm but some people do, or with no arms, no legs etc.

You are brave and beautiful and wise, you can't have it all. So dry your tears, comb your beautiful hair and go out and participate in life. Quit hiding in your room. Hide in the library and study, hide in the gym and cheer on the team, hide in the crowds who walk around the campus. And one day quit hiding and show everyone who you are, there are people out there who need to know.

As Bonnie says, after you sit on the pity pot you have to flush.

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

Katrina,

The ladies before me said it all so so well. There are times when I too still "sit on the fence" between acceptance and total pitypotville. I try to remain strong for others and shove the "woe is me" to the back burner. You know we can wish all we want about the should haves and could haves but we cannot change the past. We have today and tomorrow. Only God knows what miracles are still ahead for me and for any of us here on earth.

I still say we survived for a reason not as a punishment. Perhaps your reason hasn't become clear to you yet.

(((hugs))) to you dear girl - where's that gorgeous smile?

Katrina, you sound so much like me.. I feel your pain, I want to share something with you that a strokee in London shared with me. I hope you are not a spell checker .

Katrina, your world is your world, your pallette, you choose how you paint it, you can either paint it gray or you can paint it with beautiful colors.

Kartrina, I choose to paint my like a masterpiece, why, because Im worth it, no matter what limitations my stroke gave me, which most were emotional, and left me with a sense of isolation. One is the lonliest number . I dwell alot on where I was then and where I am now. Why why, why, and I can tell you first hand there are no answers. Be still and wait, this is your time to reflect with God, to pray and to ask him to send the holy spirit to you to help you through this. Ask and he will send, maybe not as fast as you think he should, but he will. I too had to accept that I have some disability, see I still cant say I am Disabled, and really don't think I ever will, but I have accepted that everything, even bad things happen for a specific reason and for a specific plan. His plan, not our plan, but his, in his time.

5 years after my stroke, he sent me a wonderful man who asked me to quit work, it was killing me, mentally and spiritually. Shortly thereafter I began taking care of my dad who has parkinson's. I know now that is exactly where I need to be. See that was his plan and I had no idea.

I don't know you, but I do know you are alot like me, and that God is there for you if you want him to be, I've been to many counselors, but my greatest counselor and defender is my lord. It is never too late to paint your pallette in hues of blue with beautiful flowers and butterflies. Hey, we can help each other through this. I am here for you. Now let's get happy girl. and you know what you are beautiful on the outside, its up to you how you paint yourself in this world. Come on, Ill help you paint it, I am somewhat of an artist.

Ok little one ... it is time to FLUSH.. yes we all get to be on the "pity pot" No one promised life would be a bed of roses.... oh and by the way roses do have nasty thorns.

My husband has check ups 2 times a yr now... he had melanoma. We go to the Veteran's medical Center. You would NOT believe how many of our soldiers are returning with out limbs... Many survivors here have use of only one side.. Life sucks sometimes..

Have you noticed... look around.. the people who have lumps and bumps and.... crap to deal with... are STRONG, CARING, GIVING PEOPLE.

My physical deficits are Minor... compared to many...... I do get looked at many times. I think people wonder if I am tipsy or does she need help? I have learned to look back at people and smile, politely or say Hello.....

I have cognitive deficits and memory problems.. there is NO WAY I could take a college course. Even when following directions from a recipe I have to read each line, go back, double check.. re-check..

people are born with deficits. physical and or mental.. We do not get to choose .... somethings happen.. It Is NOT WHAT we have.... IT IS HOW WE USE IT.

Hold your head High, Be proud.. We are all humans.. I'm sorry, I have many I love, like.. but I DON"T KNOW ANY PERFECT ONES......

be the best You can Be.. Do the Best You Can DO .. you are not less or more than anyone else. YOU ARE >>>>>>> YOU <<<<<<<<<<

hugs, Bonnie

Girl, let me know how you are doing, I woke up this morning thinking about you.

Caged, I simply cannot get you out of my mind. I re-read your post and I must say, you cannot live in what was, what ifs and what abouts. I know, because I struggle with that too. I had a 11 year career, a beautiful home, money, was considered a beauty inside and out, with a great smile. My best friend shared this with me, I share it with you, "Your as disabled as you allow yourself to be so stop crippling yourself."

The past is the past and we must make the best of today, the here and now, right now, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.

We need to thank God everyday for the miracles we have recieved, your walking, my smile, LIFE. We must remember that there are those who have it much worse than we do.

We must never give up on ourselves, because when we do, we give up on God and He never gives up on us because we are His children. He loves us unconditionally, so much that He gave us His only begotten son Jesus, who died on the cross for us, yes for All of us.

When I get down, I think of Jesus being nailed to the cross that He carried on his back as His mother watched and wept. When you get down remember his scarred hands and what they represent. He will carry our burdens/crosses if we give them to him. Let him carry yours for awhile.

We must always remember that He has not forgotten us. That He does love us and we must continue to have faith in Him. Always.

With peace and love,

Ann

katrina, what more could i possibly say that the others havent already said. i am surprised at you for not pulling yourself out of this funk you are in. when you have done it so many times before. if i was able to achieve what you have so far, i would always be grateful and happy every day, not saying why me, being thankful you are alive and experiencing this new life you have to live. we may not like the way we are now, you are so young and fortunate to be where you are. we have to believe there is a reason this happened to us and we will know that reason someday. god will not let us carry this burden alone. he is walking right beside us the entire time. so please get on with life with the disability's you have, you are not alone, we are there with you too with ours as well. we love and care about you so much and want to see you succeed. please don't let us down.