• entries
    100
  • comments
    313
  • views
    13,113

Bitterly thankful


justsurviving

1,034 views

As of late, I have been processing the realization that I am still waaaay too bitter about the stroke still. Now that I have recognized it, it is time to change it. It is reflected in so many of my posts and in my life. I honestly don't know how Bob has put up with it. I'm sure he has justified it as something he didn't experience and that I will 'get through it' so to speak. Actually, I haven't asked him about it. I don't think I want to know the answer.

 

I think that some people give me far too much leeway (Bob, Friend of Suvivor, family, etc.) and some don't give me an inch (I have experienced the 'you must not have it too badly if you can walk/talk/whatever'). I need something in between. The place where it is okay to be scared to do some stuff, but do it anyway with encouragement. I think I am the only one who can provide that place for myself. Why would I think it is anyone else's responsibility?

 

To deal with the bitterness issue, I have decided to volunteer at the local hospital. I plan to ask if I can volunteer with stroke patients. I plan to create a pamphlet/brochure with information that wasn't given to me when I left the hospital (sleep is very important, no stroke is the same & I am not a representative of all strokers, you have the right to be respected as a patient and survivor, etc.) and to lend an ear and give encouragement by example. I think this will be a good step toward being thankful and simply accepting my situation as is. I truly haven't accepted where I am right now and how I got here.

 

So, you ask, why the "Bitterly thankful" title?

 

I realized late last night that I am thankful for the stroke for at least one thing - I used to have a terrible, awful itch in my left foot - about 2 inches down the center and it would bother me endlessly. I no longer have that itch! Woo! A video tape exists of me scratching furiously at my foot at a phantom itch. No reason for the itch, but it was a deep, beyond bothersome itch. I used to fantasize about taking a steak knife and plunging it into my foot. The only reason I didn't is because it would be my luck to still have the itch and top it off with pain and then being unable to scratch it!

 

So, I am on my way to simply being Thankful without a side of bitter. No telling how long it will take or how many mistakes I will make along the way. I do think I will get there though.

3 Comments


Recommended Comments

And, you will get there. Volunteering enlightened me to another world and I am thankful I did it and continue to do so. I work with Make A Wish and most of the children will never get to enjoy the 50 plus years that I have been able to enjoy. They are grateful for any help and "Mickey" just warms their hearts.

 

Your blog is one of acceptance and where you are headed after this acceptance. Only you can make the difference in your life. Others can listen or wish you well but you are the one who needs to effect the change.

 

Hey, I'm proud of you. Go for it!

Link to comment

Aw, of course we give you too much leeway, because we love you!

 

And yes, never having gone through something like this, I tend to "err" on the side of lots of leeway and if you need to feel bitter about this, you have every right to your feelings. Hell, I'd be way more bitter, I'm sure! It takes a lot of time to get over the bitter feelings and to come to accept what happened to you through no fault of your own. Some people probably never get over it, so this is a HUGE step you're taking and like you said, only you can come to that realization and only you can give yourself the "in between" that you need.

 

I think that's wonderful that you're volunteering!! What a great idea and I'm very excited for you and looking forward to hearing how your experiences are going with that. I'm sure you'll have great insights you can share with all of us!

 

Lots of Love,

Carol

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.