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Leaving......


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Where's the anger when you need it? In my three years post stroke, I've found that my survivor anger was huge and it was a motivator for me. But I also found out that the anger was a negative force of energy that was draining me. So I let it all go, released it, took a deep breath and felt much better. Now during this period of loads and gobs of survivor anger, I made some life altering decisions. I decided that I wanted a divorce from this man I was married to, who turned out to be more needy then I was and basically emotionally left me three years ago. Oh to be fair, he wanted to stay together for at least 10 more years for the kids... blah blah. But staying with him for 10 more years is the equivalent of George W in office for four more years, just on a personal level. He offered me a life sentence of nothing. I couldn't overcome my distaste at that thought. We didn't talk, we didn't go anywhere. It was just easy to have me around to clean, cook and be here for the kids. He viewed me in terms of a large boulder around his neck, he didn't even want me to go to the grocery store with him.... so I looked at another decade with him in horror. Of course I was thinking this from behind the anger. But these decisions are better made and followed threw with anger, it is easier that way. I think, I don't know for sure.

 

Anyway this paragraph is not a joke, I am taking a leave of absence for the entire month of May. I need to get my head around many things and just let the emotions out. So I may blog during May and I may not, it all depends.

Pam

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Pam,

 

Maybe you needed that anger during a difficult period in your life, to give you something to focus on and to wrap around yourself for protection....not as a survivor, but as a woman who was betrayed. You don't need that anger anymore now that you're leaving because it serves no purpose anymore. I imagine that the void where the anger was seems a little odd and empty about now, but you'll fill it up with good things as your new life unfolds. Give yourself time for your full range of emotions to return. I'm betting that you've put a big chuck of yourself on hold these past three years and now it's time to rediscover who Pam really is.

 

Jean

 

P.S. If you don't show up by June, Cinder and I will steal a couple of choppers can come strong-arm you back here at Strokenet.

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You have my personal email - you have my 800 number -

 

you have my love, my faith in your decisions, and my friendship.

 

If you need anything (that's ANY THING) I'm here for you.

 

You've always (and ALL WAYS) been there for me, since the day we "met".

 

Don't stop being my hero, and the one person I wish I could be.

 

You are "Pam" - just remember, I thank "the Gods" for you everyday! Kirk may have made your life miserable but, he'll never know how much YOU make other lives possible.

 

as odd as it sounds ... Go with your gut - you won't let us down by living your life.

You will only be showing us a new path.

 

Love, V.

 

 

 

 

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