I straightened out my thumb. Amazed, I began to try to straighten my fingers. One by one I heard my brain tell each finger to straighten. I held my breath as I strained to straighten them out one by one then altogether. I put my hands together and made a joyful noise. I clapped my hands to give thanks for this miracle I'd only seen in my dreams. It felt so real. I thought to myself wow all the exercise I did earlier today finally paid off, physically therapy has given me my life back!

Now this is only a memory. A memory that popped into my head yesterday. It was all a dream. It never happened. When I first began having these dreams about 3 years post-stroke, they were great. I remember dreaming about me running and doing things pre-stroke. Back then the dreams were motivations, reminders that there is still hope. Now the dreams are just disappointments. Just a memory in time that will forever stay stuck in a dream. A cruel reminder of the harsh realities that I face everyday each time I try to move my fingers just like in the dreams but nothing happens.

It seems so absurd how I can do a million and one things with my right hand, but my left hand is useless. Its as if its not even a part of my body. I exercise it, straighten it, wear my brace all day but nothing. Its a lost cause.

I go to physical therapy twice a week. I have been optimistic. I really am trying. I go into the gym with an open mind and closed mouth. (I am not allowed to complain.) I get through every exercise in the duration of the 60 minutes of torture as I call it. Yet, when I leave I do not feel like my balance has improved, my leg doesn't feel stronger. I feel tired, worn, sore. Somehow I find the strength to walk to the rest of my classes, get dinner at the dining hall, and back across the street to my apartment. I get back to my room to find a yellowish red stain on the back of my sock. My brace has been sticking in the back of my leg all day each time I step down and put a gash in my leg. The burn of the first aid spray brings tears to my eyes but I take the pain and bandage the back of my leg. I spend the weekend not enjoying the fun in the sun, or seeing the premiere of the newest movie in town, but sitting in my room. I am too tired to walk around the mall, my leg hurt too bad to go to the beach, my allergies stop me from going to the park, and my rude awakening of reality has made it difficult for me to enjoy a movie created by hollywood. So I sit in my room waiting on my dream to come true...