I went to an audiologist yesterday and it's official. I hear nothing out of my right ear. Yes, I have always been deaf. I used to wear a hearing aid in my right ear. It never helped me to decipher speech or a lot of sounds. It wasn't really a big deal to lose all of the remaining hearing I had, since I could lip-read up to a point.

My audiologist told me that if I want to get that remaining hearing back, I would have to act fast because if I wait until later, it would be too late. I don't know if that window includes the cochlear implant. Even if it means that I need a cochlear implant, I cannot afford to do it.

Even with insurance, it is so cost-prohibitive. My hubby gave me a resigned look when I told him about it. He said that there is nothing we can do. My mom will totally flip out when she finds out about this because she is so particular about me having hearing aids or some kind of a solution to my hearing loss. I don't know why she's so particular about that and I could never get an answer from her.

I would just say "Forget it," but it feels wrong to give up. I mean, I'm sure it's ok to give up. In life there are limitations. Of course, it would not stop me from living. I would miss out on hearing crickets, my cats making their quirky noises and their meows, and electronic music. Oh, let's not forget the American Indian drumming music and chants. Now, that is mystical.

Besides, I have all these things going on even though the hearing loss is definitely neurologically related. I just cannot do an intervention on my hearing. I'm willing to sacrifice my hearing, but there is a part of me that wants me to fix it. This creates a huge conflict within myself.