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Angry Daggers


moonrocket

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I absolutely don't well with deadlines and pressure. Haven't been able to for so many years. I tried pleasing people over and overm and then, just short of my goal, I crash. I procrastinate because I know it's going to happen again.

 

I could not handle all the anger that I would recieve. Having people be angry with me is like getting a dagger stuck into my head, right between the eyes. It hurts in a different way, as it is not like physical pain, but a psychic pain. This makes me feel unbelievably raw and unable to defend myself. I think maybe, they're right and I'm wrong. That's true some of the time.

 

When someone directs anger at me, I couldn't breathe. My performance takes a nosedive and I want to get the hell away from that place. I want to go somewhere that is safe, I mean physically safe and not just mentally safe. This has always been like that.

 

I learned to deflect the anger by becoming totally deadpan. I would not talk or move. I'm just frozen in place, trapped. I know I must face it, because it's a normal part of life. I must get through that phase of anger from others.

 

Anger from others feel like an attack on my self, my body, my mind. A dagger thrown to stab between my eyes. My eyes ache, my ears cringed (when I could hear a little with hearing aids). Yelling distorts the voice into a cacophonious noise.

 

The events change my relationship to the person who directed their anger at me. I walk on eggshells to please that person. I am hypervigilant anytime I am around this person, fearing that I will set them off again. I try avoid any situations where I have to be in the presence of that person.

 

I do not like redirecting anger back at the person. It just seems wrong because of what it does to me. And anger just is not healthy to have all the time. Peace is better. Discussion is way much better. Redirecting anger away from your target to angry journal-writing is so much more effective. No one gets hurt this way.

 

I think this is a part of my problem in interacting with some people, particularly those who are abrasive with anger. Even positive criticism is hard to deal with. People who don't know what it does to me will carelessly get angry because I was not doing something right because of the fact that I am deaf and lip-reading is not perfect. No wonder that having jobs is perilous for my mental health.

 

Please note that I am not under any kind of attack or abuse currently. This is a part of what I faced growing up and it's lingering effects years later.

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Donia,

:friends:too! It's great you have a good attitude about just letting it go. I always looked at anger and hatred as useless emotions that only serve to bring you down and consume you with negativity. Just ignoring it by not allowing someone to push your buttons and control your emotions is the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

You're a sweetiepie and are loved by your friends here.

 

Maria :mwah:

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Donia:

 

my stroke taught me only great wisdom in dealing life's inconviences. Most of the time only control we have is how we will react to the situation, I know it's hard but slowly I m learning not to allow others to push my buttons and I keep close eye on how I will react to the situation. when I do that my life's journey become more pleasurable.

 

Asha

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Thank you for the reply, Kelli and Asha. I really appreciate that. I have learned not to get my buttons pushed. Although, I end up avoiding them like that plague, which is not always a good solution. Try to literally sneak around certain people because of their temper is not as easy as it sounds. I used to sneak around a teacher at a high scchool because she was always mean. I did not want any interaction with her. That's an extreme of walking on eggshells. After high school, I just learned to let anger blast in another direction by dissociating. I would be somewhere else watching all this happen.

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