FIRST OF ALL, I AM GIVING THE AUTHOR SHIRLEY JACKSON CREDIT FOR THIS TITLE, AND THE IDEA. HOWEVER, THE STORY IS MY OWN, AND IT'S UGLY!!!!!

IT'S UGLY, CAUSE I'M MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i want a wife to raise my child even though she has none of her own. i want her to take on all of the responsibility of raising my child, being her friend, and not worrying me with any details of "problems", because i am a sorry excuse for a father and taking time with my own child might interfere with any number of activities i enjoy. even though i have been a college professor, i want a wife to help my child with her homework because my own child knows what an impatient simp i am and doesn't want my help.

i want a wife who is intelligent because i have a genius iq and am way educated beyond my intelligence and make sure everyone knows it. even though SHE knows her iq is 8 points higher than mine, she never tells me because she doesnt want to "deflate" my ego or make me feel inferior. she has to be intelligent enough to understand that i need ego boosting because i am a worthless sissy wimp and a sorry excuse for a husband.

i want a wife to be responsible for all of the shopping, gift buying, thankyou note writing, at her expense. also to make and take care of all of our social plans while i sit on my ass and watch sports or read while she does all of the work. this includes all of the meal planning and cooking as well. i am too lazy to fire up the grill like a real man.

i want a wife who has her own career and makes more money than i do because i would rather work in an inferior job that allows me time off to play golf and go to biloxi and leave her with my kid when i feel like it. also, she can contribute more financially to the household. i have NEVER paid for a pizza for my daughter or bought her any clothes, this is for the wife to do at her expense because i know she is soft hearted and doesn't want my child to go without. i have also never paid for any home improvements, this would cut into my gambling fund.

i want a wife who looks as good or better than she did when i met her. i want her to be phsically fit, well groomed and well dressed. no extra fat, no gray hair, and manicured hands and feet. i don't care what the cost, as long as she pays for it. i don't care if she exersizes to the point she is falling into walls. this way, when i spring on her at the last minute that we have a function to attend, she can have on her little black dress with pearls and all of my friends can comment on what a pretty wife i have, further building MY confidence and self esteem.

how can i find a wife like this? because i am a vicious predator who can sense vunerability and weakness in people. once i get my talons in her, she's stuck, because she is loyal. then when i sense that she has got the courage to leave me, i can do something REALLY stupid like not pay attention as usual and have a wreck that could have been prevented, and let my wife get a head injury causing her to have a stroke. then, while she's in a coma and not expected to live, i am stressed out by it, so i can leave her alone on christmas day in the hospital bed and i can go to the coast and play blackjack to relieve my stress.

now that she's brain damaged, it doesn't matter to me, i expect the same as before. because i am a selfish, non empathetic, pathetic little man without the capacity to truly love and cherish anyone but myself. that wife of mine seems to be getting stronger no matter HOW much i critisize her, and mess with her lack of memory by telling her that i have TOLD her i was going on this trip or that one when i KNOW i havent.

i want a wife. anyone know where i can find one like me? or MAYBE, what i really need, is a HUSBAND!!!!!!!!