Yesterday I was feeling discouraged. I went shopping and all I could seem to find was stylish skinny jeans which I cannot wear with my AFO, stylish shoes which all either had heels or wouldnt fit over my AFO, and the cutest sweaters and shirts with belts that tied in the back. Someone was trying to get my attention but since she was to my left I could not see her and didnt notice until I felt a tug on my left arm. By that time she'd walked away probably thinking I was ignoring her. I was almost in tears so I just left the store. Last night I went to a Miracle Service at church. I was really believing that I was going to be healed. I have done everything I can think of these last 10 years since the stroke. The Bible says I just have to have the faith of a mustard seed but I feel like I have the faith of a whole forest! Jesus healed the man with the withered hand and so many others and I truly believed He would heal me. So yesterday after feeling so discouraged then feeling like my prayers weren't answered at the Miracle Service, I just wanted to give up, I felt like I ran out of miracles years ago. I felt at a dead end.

Then I looked back. I realized I got in a comfort zone. I complain because my life isn't the way I expected it to be. I thought for sure I would be totally and completely recovered from the stroke by the year 2011. Well I really had to take myself back to when I had a breathing tube in my throat, when my face was so swollen I was unrecognizable, when I had to wear diapers in ICU, the halloween I couldnt go trick or treating at 12 years old, the Thanksgiving I threw up during physical therapy, the seizures that gave me a letter from the dmv that I would never be able to operate a vehicle, the stares from wearing a helmet and being pushed in a wheelchair through the mall, looking into the mirror as tears clouded the reflection of my bald head with nothing but stitches and staples protruding through my scalp, the after-surgery headaches that not even morphene and percocets could ease. The times I ran away from home because I was too depressed to deal with the taunting from my peers in high school. I had to remind myself that I am no longer that person! I am free. I no longer have seizures, I am no longer am prisoner to the hospital room, I no longer have to deal with taunts and stares from immature people, I can eat whatever I want no hospital food or special diets.

So today instead of praying and wishing and waiting for my imperfections to be fixed, I am reflecting on what is already fixed and just believing that I have not ran out of miracles. I may not be able to clap my hands in church as bad as I want to but I am able to stand. I may not be able to fix my limp but I no longer need a quad cane. I almost didn't live past 7th grade but today I am a college graduate. I used my left hand for the first time since the stroke to open the door. I remember the summer I cried I was discriminated against for a job at the mall. but I rejoice to know I have successfully completed 2 summer internships with the highest level of government thanks to a recruitment program for college students with disabilities. I have been able to read and study so many books even with my visual impairment. The dmv told me in 2006 I would never drive but after giving me a permit and allowing me to drive for two years, I believe they will go back on their word one more time and give me a license.

Today instead of complaining about things I have no control over, trying to find the magic cure to recovery, and asking God why Im not 100% recovered, I am just spending the day reflecting on how far I have come.

I want to thank everyone who always reminds me of the bright sides when I want to complain. Today Im taking your advice