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At a dead end? Just look back


CagedBird

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Yesterday I was feeling discouraged. I went shopping and all I could seem to find was stylish skinny jeans which I cannot wear with my AFO, stylish shoes which all either had heels or wouldnt fit over my AFO, and the cutest sweaters and shirts with belts that tied in the back. Someone was trying to get my attention but since she was to my left I could not see her and didnt notice until I felt a tug on my left arm. By that time she'd walked away probably thinking I was ignoring her. I was almost in tears so I just left the store. Last night I went to a Miracle Service at church. I was really believing that I was going to be healed. I have done everything I can think of these last 10 years since the stroke. The Bible says I just have to have the faith of a mustard seed but I feel like I have the faith of a whole forest! Jesus healed the man with the withered hand and so many others and I truly believed He would heal me. So yesterday after feeling so discouraged then feeling like my prayers weren't answered at the Miracle Service, I just wanted to give up, I felt like I ran out of miracles years ago. I felt at a dead end.

Then I looked back. I realized I got in a comfort zone. I complain because my life isn't the way I expected it to be. I thought for sure I would be totally and completely recovered from the stroke by the year 2011. Well I really had to take myself back to when I had a breathing tube in my throat, when my face was so swollen I was unrecognizable, when I had to wear diapers in ICU, the halloween I couldnt go trick or treating at 12 years old, the Thanksgiving I threw up during physical therapy, the seizures that gave me a letter from the dmv that I would never be able to operate a vehicle, the stares from wearing a helmet and being pushed in a wheelchair through the mall, looking into the mirror as tears clouded the reflection of my bald head with nothing but stitches and staples protruding through my scalp, the after-surgery headaches that not even morphene and percocets could ease. The times I ran away from home because I was too depressed to deal with the taunting from my peers in high school. I had to remind myself that I am no longer that person! I am free. I no longer have seizures, I am no longer am prisoner to the hospital room, I no longer have to deal with taunts and stares from immature people, I can eat whatever I want no hospital food or special diets.

So today instead of praying and wishing and waiting for my imperfections to be fixed, I am reflecting on what is already fixed and just believing that I have not ran out of miracles. I may not be able to clap my hands in church as bad as I want to but I am able to stand. I may not be able to fix my limp but I no longer need a quad cane. I almost didn't live past 7th grade but today I am a college graduate. I used my left hand for the first time since the stroke to open the door. I remember the summer I cried I was discriminated against for a job at the mall. but I rejoice to know I have successfully completed 2 summer internships with the highest level of government thanks to a recruitment program for college students with disabilities. I have been able to read and study so many books even with my visual impairment. The dmv told me in 2006 I would never drive but after giving me a permit and allowing me to drive for two years, I believe they will go back on their word one more time and give me a license.

Today instead of complaining about things I have no control over, trying to find the magic cure to recovery, and asking God why Im not 100% recovered, I am just spending the day reflecting on how far I have come.

 

I want to thank everyone who always reminds me of the bright sides when I want to complain. Today Im taking your advice

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wow Katrina:

 

you have grown up to be wonderful wise person. when you accept your today, you make most out of every moment given to you with best of your ability. I feel it's healthy to look back from time to time & realize how far yo have come & how well you are doing today. who says what tomorrow will look like so don't ever waste your wonderful today by thinking about recovery. just do your best and enjoy every moment given to you.

 

Asha

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Gotta tell ya sweetheart, I does not sound at all like you ran out of miracles to me. Sounds an awful lot more like you may just have received the miracle you were asking for. Maybe not exactly as you saw it, but one that God who is far wiser chose to grant you. It seems to me quite the miracle that after so much time and frustration, you now coincidentally chose to reflect and gain a new perspective for how far you have come. It sounds as though you were graced with acceptance and great appreciation for the amazing woman you are. Finally being given that peace of mind is indeed a miracle!

 

I am so very, very happy for you Katrina. There is nothing like peace of mind, it's quite a gift. Don't ever let anyone take it away from you.

 

Love,

Maria :mwah:

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Katrina,

 

You are truly an inspiration to all. Congratulations on accepting the miracles in your life. You are an amazing young woman!!

 

Sarah

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Katrina, I am so happy for you. You have become such a wise woman. With acceptance comes peace of mind an that is the best gift you can ask for. It takes someone very special to stop looking at yourself through the eyes of others and instead look inside yourself and how far you have come. I wish you the best life has to offer and with your new acceptance I know you will appreciate it to the fullest. All the best to you Katrina. You are our Mascot here at StrokeNet and we are so proud of you.

 

mc

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Amen, cause when you think about it, some people do not survive a stroke, enough said!

 

Here you are a true survivor and a blessed person by God. You are above ground Lil sister! :happydance: :big_grin:

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Katrina while in Rehab, 8 yrs ago - I had a young speech therapist tell me God's delay isn't necessisarily his denial -- that has stuck with me - keep praying. who knows what can happen when the time is right & we have learned what he wants us to know - just keep praying -

 

I know how frustrating it is you have done so well & become such a strong person

Susan

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Katrine, You write so beautifully. Your faith has brought you many miracles and more are waiting in the wings for you. You are were you are may be cuz God uses all of us for teaching each other lessons. You are a bright shinning light.:You-Rock:

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