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Who am I now?


lydiacevedo

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I posted on the forum, yesterday, about my daughter Laney moving into her first apartment with her fiancee, and how I had reacted to the change. Trust me, even though I am very happy and excited for her, my reaction was not as positive as it could have been, for me anyhow.

 

I guess part of it is because I feel like I have lost so much, had so much taken away, with having had my stroke. I feel like I have lost who I am and I don't know I will be yet. I don't like unknowns like that. They are uncomfortable at best and down right terrifying at worst. This is somewhere close to terrifying.

 

Now Laney has moved away. Garion moved away a year ago. Now Laney. Logan will be 18 in a few months and he is already chomping at the bit to "get out and experience the world." I should be excatic and prouder than any other parent in the world. I have kids that want to leave home because they can't wait to attack life and make it the success that they kow they can. But I'm not extatic. I'm confused and scared.

 

I'm not "Lydia the Dancer" any more. OK, my prima balerina days have long since been over, but belly dancing and ball room have been a wonderful, comfortable, fantastic rebirth of a dancer's life for me. I can't dance. I can't keep my balance.

 

I'm not "Lydia the Kung Fu Instructor" any more. I'm too off balanace and too easily tired. Even Tai Chi is more of a stamina run that I can manage. Silk Reeling and a little Qi Gong is about all I can manage these days.

 

I haven't tried to be "Lydia the Stained Glass Artist" yet. Frankly, I'm a little scared to try. "Lydia the Artist" in general is having a little trouble seeing things the way she used to and it is affecting my painting, sculpting, and forget throwing clay on the wheel. It makes me sea sick.

 

Now "Lydia, Garion, Laney and Logan's mom" feels a little threatened. They are just about "all grown up." I don't want to be relegated to "sidelines" of their lives. I'm already there for so many other things.

 

I'm still "Lydia the Knowledge Admin" at the office. But I'm only there part time right now, and not sure I will ever be there again for more than 30 hours a week. Going back to a full 40 hours just seems so exhausting and overwhelming. I'm shooting for 30 hours and don't think I'm likely to try for more. I've also given up the idea of advancing past Knowledge Admin.

 

Going higher up the corporate ladder means more time, more emergy and more stress. The stress is the part that I really don't need. I know it has been my idea, my choice, but it feels like a choice I really didn't have any other option but to "choose."

 

My mother is still gently pushing me to apply for SSI Disability and stay at home. Not right now. I can't even think about that without getting upset to the point of a coughing/choking fit that passes for crying right now. I have to try and I'm so afraid I'll fail.

 

Losing "Lydia Sam's wife" scares me too. It's probably an irrational fear. But, I worry that life with me will become too much for him. Sam is a nurse who does in-home care, mostly for brain/spinal cord injury patients. He takes care of his patients all day long, then comes home and has to tread the fine line between taking care of me and letting me do for myself. My God he must get mentally and emotionally exhausted with all of that! I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and he will have decided it's just too much for him. I can't say I'd blame him. He got upset at me for thinking like that when I brought it up to him, but I worry that he got upset because it is something he is already feeling. He's been wonderfully supportive, and still very connected to me, but I wonder. Like I said, it may be an irrational fear. I'm trying to make myself stop worrying about it. Unfortunately, I'm not winning that battle right now. I've already had 1 husband decide living with a wife with Lupus was more than he wanted to do. It makes one gun shy.

 

SO, if none, or only part of those titles end up fitting, who am I? I know, the easy one is "Lydia the stroke survivor," and I should be happy about the word "survivor" in that title. It could have been a whole lot worse.

 

I should be counting my blessings and relaxing to maximize my recovery. Um, ok, in total honesty, how many of us have actually done that? How many of us are lying to ourselves when we say "I have?" I didn't know how to relax before the stroke. Believe me, having a stroke did not give me any spontaneous knowledge about how to do it now. I couldn't turn my brain off before. I can't turn it off now, only now it gets things totally mixed up and sorting through it is an endurance test some days. Other days, I lose things, have gaps, get confused and forget things.

 

I'm tired of apologizing for what doesn't work the way it did before the stroke and I'm tired of not knowing if and when things will be "normal" again. I don't even know what "normal" is or will be any more. I'm tired of explaining that to people. I'm tired of anticipating the fact that I don't look like I had a stroke, so most people forget I did and get upset when I can't do things the way I used to do them, and trying to keep it from happening. I'm just plain tired.

 

And I'm tired of trying to figure out who I am not and who I am now.

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Lydia:

 

welcome to wonderful world of blogging. Lydia As I had told you earlier I struggled with same question for long time, but have realized over the time, I am playing all those roles & that does not define me as a person. As I told you before please read new earth book by eckhart tolle it will give you lot of comfort. I just now believe I survived my stroke for a reason and at this time it is to be wife & mother. I have to do my duties as mother & wife as best I can do & I am sure God will take care of results. yes I worry what will happen when & if they both won't need me, but I believe I have to do my duties, my karma & God will take care of rest. just flow with life & do your best & don't worry about results.Lydia as a humanbeing we all wear lot of titles in our lifetime, but that's not who we are, our ego likes to attach ourselves to all this titles. you are lot more than wife, mother,or administrator. you are friend to many & loved by many even when those rolesgoes from hands on to hands off role. As a parent we all have done our job well, if our children are all able to fly on their own

 

 

 

Asha

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HI WHAT A GREAT POST. I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU DO EXCEPT I HAVE MY SON AT HOME BUT I KNOW HE WILL BE LEAVING FOR COLLEGE SOON. RECOVERY IS A LONG AND SLOW PROCESSES. I JUST TAKE ONE AT A TIME. AND I DO WORK 2 DAYS A WEEK AND GET SSDI. BEST WISHES. PATTY

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In your case you don't lose a daughter, you gain a son too! Just hope they stay together and give you grand kids then you'll have your hands full. By that time you can spoil them rotten and you'll be in better physical shape by that time too!

 

Sounds like you haven't fully accepted the stroke yet cause you will not be "normal" but with time you can do certain things better than you can on this day. Each day brings more things you can do yourself.

 

I'm 7 years recovering and many things I still can not do but I get by. Hey, that is better than not surviving.

 

Lydia, you gotta give you credit for what you can do and being normal, YOU ARE NOW, just some things are a bit harder to accomplish on one side only.

 

I still drive, walk, eat, sleep, laugh but my weak side is slow, not me!

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Lydia:

 

welcome to wonderful world of blogging. Lydia As I had told you earlier I struggled with same question for long time, but have realized over the time, I am playing all those roles & that does not define me as a person. As I told you before please read new earth book by eckhart tolle it will give you lot of comfort. I just now believe I survived my stroke for a reason and at this time it is to be wife & mother. I have to do my duties as mother & wife as best I can do & I am sure God will take care of results. yes I worry what will happen when & if they both won't need me, but I believe I have to do my duties, my karma & God will take care of rest. just flow with life & do your best & don't worry about results.Lydia as a humanbeing we all wear lot of titles in our lifetime, but that's not who we are, our ego likes to attach ourselves to all this titles. you are lot more than wife, mother,or administrator. you are friend to many & loved by many even when those rolesgoes from hands on to hands off role. As a parent we all have done our job well, if our children are all able to fly on their own

 

 

 

Asha

 

I'm going to see if I can pick up that book on audio. Reading still gives me some problems from time to time. Thanks.

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In your case you don't lose a daughter, you gain a son too! Just hope they stay together and give you grand kids then you'll have your hands full. By that time you can spoil them rotten and you'll be in better physical shape by that time too!

 

Sounds like you haven't fully accepted the stroke yet cause you will not be "normal" but with time you can do certain things better than you can on this day. Each day brings more things you can do yourself.

 

I'm 7 years recovering and many things I still can not do but I get by. Hey, that is better than not surviving.

 

Lydia, you gotta give you credit for what you can do and being normal, YOU ARE NOW, just some things are a bit harder to accomplish on one side only.

 

I still drive, walk, eat, sleep, laugh but my weak side is slow, not me!

 

 

I haven't accepted it yet. I fight with that every day.

 

Accepting that I have had a stroke and cannot be the person I was pre-stroke has not been easy for me. Grief is something the women of my family do a little odd. We don't do the bargaining part, probably because we don't typically bargain in every day life. We hold on to anger and frustration and wear them like armor. Acceptance only comes when we finally realize that we have beaten ourselves bloody and dizzy banging against the truth of a situation. We don't accept as much as we surrender, which starts its own mini anger cycle until we can find the "loophole" that lets us trick ourselves into believing that we actually won and didn't ever actually give in. Ok, it'm not the healthiest way to handle things. We are who we are. I'm trying to change because I don't see where I have another option. I'm tired of being angry, hurt and defeated.

 

That's why I post here. I need help taking the first step - accepting myself. And I'm very grateful for all of the well wishes, understanding and advice I find here. It is making a difference. I can blog about it or post on the forums. I can deal with my frustrations and that makes every day a little easier.

 

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