I haven't felt like being very active since my stroke. I get around, work part time, and probably do more than I should around the house - no real "probably" about it. But as far as exersizing has gone, I haven't wanted to do anything. I used to be very active - I saw it as a way of staying ahead of the complications of Lupus, a way to prove that I wasn't going to let that condition "win." Then I stroked. Basically, the stroke was caused by..... oh yeah..... complications of Lupus (and a heart abnormality that is congenital)!!

Well, hell. It looks like the disease got me after all! AND it will happen again some time in the nebulous future. I hit a mental and emotional stone wall.....HARD! So, the whole "anti-inflamatory diet" and exersize thing seemed like something that was useless to continue doing. Dammit!

But, I've neem roaming around StrokeNet, posting on the forums, reading a lot more than I post, and trying to learn to deal with myself now. It really has helped. I've found that I'm not alone, there are people who exactly what I'm delaing with, feeling, going through, and have gotten past where I am. I needed to know that and I'm glad I have everyone here for support. Thank God for StrokeNet!!!!!!

It's made me start to feel like I can take a measure of control over myself again.

So, yesterday afternoon, after Sam came home, we'd had lunch, sat a while and the evening was starting to come on, I asked Sam to go for a walk with me. He was happy to go. We walked out of our apartment complex and about half-way down the block to the Nazarine church, then home again. Sam set the distance. I set the pace.

I think he picked a good distance. I was tired when we got home - not the "oh my god I can't function anymore" tired that I drove myself to over the weekend, but a good "I got up and did some exersize" tired that makes you appatite better and helps you sleep at night.

It was a nice walk and I really liked spending a little time away from the house, with just Sam. I noticed a difference about walking with Sam, last night, and walking around the office during the day.

During the day, I get exhausted more easily than I do at home or family's homes, especially my right leg. Last night, that didn't happen. I realized that walking around the office makes me nervous. I don't want to trip, get bumped by anyone, have the cane stumble, lose my balance, or anything. No one is there to help me if I have a problem.

Walking with Sam, like being in the house or with family, is different. It doesn't matter if I bump into something, stumble, get the cane caught, or anything else. Someone is going to help me and they will make a little joke out of it to break the tension. I'm safe with Sam and my family. I don't feel that way at the office.

I don't even like talking to people at the office and do most of my communicating through email or instant message. Face to face, I stutter, lose words and sometimes whole thoughts, use the wrong word for things and sometimes say things that make absolutely no sense. Written, I can edit before anyone sees it. And at home, people will tell me it's ok, stop, take a breath, close your eyes and let it come back to you. Not so in an office where everyone seems to need their information "yesterday."

But back to lastnight's walk because it makes me feel like I accomplished something. I DID! I got up, went for a pleasant walk, had some one-on-one time with Sam, got a little exersize, had a pleasant conversation about nothing with Sam, and didn't worry about anything because I was "safe."

It was a REALLY good walk and we are going to go for another one tomorrow evening.