Generally, my outlook on life has improved. You'd be surprised what a couple of good days in a row will do for a person.

I skipped my walk with Sam yesterday. I ran an errand to the bank, then took myslef to the nail salon for a much needed fill-in. It's been over a month and I'm surprised the acrylics had continued to stay on. More than half my nail was new growth.

Tonight, after Laney gets off work, she and I will be availing ourselves of the last day of one of Frederick's of Hollywood's bra sales. Yay, a little mother/daughter time!

Feeling better about myself, and feeling a little stronger - at least emotionally, if nothing else - I have decided it is time to finalize a few things with myself. So, I called the doctor and scheduled another apoiontment.

Things I want to discuss:

1. Since finally getting over this cold, my ears have unplugged and I find I am dizzier and more off balance than I was.

2. I'm thinking that I need to have my eyesight rechecked, because my vision is still a little off. I wear contacts/glasses to begin with, but something is still not quite right.

3. It's time to set a realistic work schedule that I can meet. I really don't think 40 hours is going to work any more. After a while, I just can't read lines of code, or anything else for that matter, because I start to get a migraine and feel exhausted. Yes, part of it may be my vision needing to be corrected, but the part where letters, numbers and symbols stop making sense to me may be something different all together and, frankly, I'm just not into pushing my brain to its breaking point. I'm thinking I can handle about 30 hours in the office, and that is just going to have to be good enough for everyone else. I have to be about what's best for me from now on.

So, I feel pretty confident that I am acting in a reasonable manner toward trying to put myslef on some "solid ground," so to speak. Really, if I can feel like I have gotten my feet at least part-way underneath me, I think it will really help me move forward, instead of just "treading water," as I like to call it.

I have discovered a few things that look like they will be relegated to the "pre-stroke Lydi."

I doubt I will ever dance again. It's too easy to fall. My martial arts is probably not going to pick back up either, at least not outside of silk reeling and Qi gong. I'm going to decide that is just going to be OK. I have some really great memories to look back on in video and still picture format. I can be content with that.

I've thought long and hard about posting for a position that would have me speaking to both employees and outside clients a lot more. In the end, I decided not to post for it. It would be a lot more than the 30 hours I'm comfortable working, plus it would be a lot of face-to-face with people. I stutter now, especially when stressed. Subjecting myself to that kind of stress, knowing I have a hard time, just wouldn't be good for me, so I've decided just not to do it.

I'm happy with my current position. I am going to convince myself that I simply no longer need to try to climb the corporate ladder and prove that there are no "glass ceilings " that need to be broken. Let some younger woman with a better tolerance for office politics and stress do that. It doesn't have to be me.

Yes, I have said "I'm going to decide," or "I am going to convince myself..." I'm not quite at the place where I am totally ok with these choices yet. But I know that they are the right ones for me.

I'm still working on accepting myself as I am now, and life post-stroke, but I'm getting there. It isn't easy, and I will probably fight with myself a few more times before I finally settle into it. But I have chosen to stop fighting against the truth of things quite so hard. That just keeps me stressed, frightened and hurting. I don't want to be that any more.