Can't shake it
That feeling of being disconnected is still there. I don't think I am just tired any more.
We went to the annual Shrove Tuesday Pancake Dinner at the church last night. Everyone was all smiles and "how are you doing?" Several people were asking me "are you all right? You don't look good." Sam passed it off as my being tired. Thanks Sam, because I just didn't want to deal with it. I also didn't really want to deal with the constant hugs from people, but I didn't say anything. Sam's parents and Sam could tell I wasn't comfortable, but I haven't told my family about the whole not wanting to be touched thing.
When we got home, Sam suggested I call it a night and get into bed. I was tired so I decided that he had a good idea. I couldn't sleep and ended up coming back out to the living room a while later. Sam asked what was wrong.
I opened up and told him that half the time I miss church on Sundays is because I just can't stand the thought of all those people touching me during the passing of the peace. It's overwhelming. He asked me to explain, so I told him that I don't want anyone, outside of him and the kids to touch me, unless I initiate it, not even my parents or his parents. Sam was a little surprised. No, he was a lot surprised. That isn't like me. He asked me if there was a reason and I told him that I just feel overwhelmed by physical contact. It is more than I want to respond to or deal with, except from him and the kids. It sort of feels like being smothered or drowning a little. I can't get away from it and it is just too much, too overpowering, too close, I don't know how to better explain it.
Sam said he thinks this is a reaction to the higher dose of zoloft. I told him I would think he were right, if it hadn't been going on before I started the higher dose and I was just being quiet about it. Then he told me he thought I was withdrawing from everyone because I'm living too much in the stroke. What? I'm focusing too much on the fact that I had a stroke and letting fear take over.
I told him that, yes, there were some things that still have me rattled from teh stroke, but that is normal. It hasn't even been 90 days since it happened! But this goes deeper than that. I didn't want to be touched when I was in hospital. That's part of why I worked so hard to be able to walk without the physical therapists. I didn't want anyone to touch me then, not even him. At least I don't still want to avoid physical contact from him or the kids any more.
Sam told me to ask Dr. Mike about it on the next visit. In the mean time, since I don't know how to tell family and friends that I don't want them to hug me, or any other uninitiated physical contact, without being confrontational about it, Sam said he will try to explain it to them, diplomatically. I appreciate that about him. Even before the stroke, tact and I were not often aquainted. Since the stroke, we don't know each oter at all, though I am trying to become reaquainted with tact.
I don't know if this is normal behavior or if I am being weird.