Well I'm having a hard time excepting what happened. I'm meeting with my parents on Wednesday so maybe we can work this out. They are two of my best friends. I know that I should look at my short term memory as a blessing but I don't. It scares me to not remember anything of my life before this. My kids young, growing up... all gone. I asked my husband not to compare me to how I was for I cant remember. This is the new me and i have to embrace it.

I go round in circles with this. It's like I have the tools in front of me and not really know what to do with them. I lack the ability in seeing the big picture. Like, I know I had a stroke. But it's hard for my brain and heart to except it. It's a lot like saying the grass is green is like me saying I've had a stroke. I hope this makes sense in my rambling. For example I see my weight as a hinder but that came as a result of my stroke. But I cant seem to grasp that.

People say to me pray to god or let go let god and that's not going to cut it for me. I believe in god but I've tried that and nothing. It may take time but I've always had trouble with low self esteem.

I have Body dis morphia.* It makes it hard. It stemed from my ex usband and he was abusive to me. I want to go to a doctor about this but it cost a lot of money for she is out of network. I am waiting until my law suit if over before I can do this.

I know that my husband said before this I was obsessed in trying to be perfecf and now I dont know what is my new ok. I know he is supportive in this but im sure he's tired of hearing me put myself down or appologize about being tired . I just am feeling like im going around in circles.

*Body dysmorphic disorder

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaBody dysmorphic disorder (BDD) (previously known as dysmorphophobia^[1] is sometimes referred to as body dysmorphia or dysmorphic syndrome^[2]) is a (psychological) somatoform disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image).

The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of severe depression and anxiety, development of other anxiety disorders, social withdrawal or complete social isolation, and more.^[3] It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD (Psychological Medicine, vol. 36, p. 877).

The exact cause(s) of BDD differ(s) from person to person. However, most clinicians believe it could be a combination of environmental factors from their past or present. Abuse and neglect can also be contributing factors.

Onset of symptoms generally occurs in adolescence or early adulthood, where most personal criticism of one's own appearance usually begins, although cases of BDD onset in children and older adults are not unknown. BDD is often misunderstood to affect mostly women, but research shows that it affects men and women