• entries
    279
  • comments
    1,313
  • views
    16,401

Harder Than I Thought


CagedBird

546 views

Recovery is definitely harder than I thought. Last week at OT, a different ot came in and rubbed some tendon in my arm and the pain went away like magic. It was amazing. It came from hurting so bad to actually feeling good. Now when I do my weight bearing I feel no pain (except my good arm getting tired from pressing down on my wrist). I was actully starting to think I was getting better. My ot gave me a new longer wrist support because she wants me to focus on my wrist right now. It keeps my wrist straighter but of course my fingers curl tighter so it's just a win/lose situation. I was kind of disappointed to find out I only have to more sessions left with OT. I still have no active movement in my wrist. I guess they were right. Im just not going to get any better

Over the weekend I traveled to Virginia Beach to visit a friend. I was so proud of myself. This was my first time traveling alone and it really made me feel good. I took the bus. With my duffel bag and purse on my arm, I got on and off the buses and figured my way around during the transfers. Since it was cold, I didn't have to worry about treading through the thick sand or people staring at my brace. We simply got icecream and walked on the boardwalk so I really enjoyed myself. It made me feel good to know that I can travel safely and independently even though I don't have a car. I really want to move out and now I am thinking maybe I can find an apartment that is on a bus route since I did so well taking the greyhound. I have an appointment with vocational rehab in a few weeks so hopefully I am on my way to independent living.

Now back to Ot/PT... Well unfortunately, the hardest meanest pt in all the land has decided to take over my PT sessions. She really pushes me. She loves pain. She taunts me to make me work faster. I just hate how everyone (family/friends of other oupatients) sitting in the waiting area stares at me! The grab bars and mats are like right in the middle of the gym so everything I do, everyone is looking straight at me. Today was very nerve wrecking. I almost started to cry. They took my brace off and made me go up and down stairs. It was 3 pt's holding me up in the middle of the floor while everyone staring trying to get me to lean to my left side while standing on my left leg. I kept thinking I was going to fall and they were pushing me to make me lean over but Im so scared I have to stay to my right side. I've relied on my right side for 10 years. I trust my left side "as far as I can see it" and seeing as how I have no left field vision in both eyes, THAT MAKES IT REALLY HARD TO TRUST IT. but they don't understand that. Its just a bunch of women yelling, telling me to relax, asking me where it hurts, telling me do this and do that but they dont know. I try as hard as I can but my brain is just scared to go to my left side. I just know Im going to fall especially without my brace. I think I have PT for 2 more weeks (twice a week) then it will all be over. I just feel discouraged. I never realized so many things were wrong with me. I thought I had been doing good all this time but I have so much to work on. I just wish I could magically get better because this is too much work for nothing

5 Comments


Recommended Comments

You are not the only one who wants to magically get better!!

When you find the pill or method, let me know so I can buy you a coffee, or beer and take advantage of your finding.

 

Seriously, two weeks ago I was in the same quiters position and just topld myself to forget it and I stopped meds and excercises

Well, I figured out that way was a slow death so I am back on the meds and started the excecises again, since I feel better when I do them(excercises)

 

The moral of the story is we all feel down and there is nothing wrong with a short break from the rigors of recovery

 

Stay strong and hang in there and don't forget about the offer for coffee

John

 

 

 

Link to comment

Recovery is definitely the hardest thing I'll ever do. That's the bad news. The good news is I'm already doing it ansd have been for the past year. After this, nothing will ever be 'really hard' or impossible because I've already been facing impossible everyday for this past year and everyday I get out of bed, get dressed and go on with my lifr. nothing will ever be harder than that! If you find the pill let m know cuz I'll buy 100. 1 for me and I'll keep the rest for family, friends and my future patients because this is really hard and I hate knowing there are so many of us struggling. I feel your pain but I've got to remind you.:You're not working for nothing. You're fighting to reclaim your indepenndence and your life and that's worth all your hard work So even though it sux, keep at it. However a recovery vacation is not a bad idea either.I think it's good to stop focusing on all our stuff for a little while and simply have fun. We're still alive and joy should be a part of that life. Kudos to you for traveling on your own. Its scary but you faced it down and conquered it .That makes me proud in a cyber world stroke supporting survivor friend. I have another survivor friend who will not leave her home without her husband. She ambulates with a cane and an AFO and she can physicaly walk out of her home and get into a friends car but she mentally is too afraid. OI get that fwear but it's like 0aralysis all over again. I dont ever want to be paralyzed again so I refuse to let my fear paralyze me. I simply refuse. I told her she would probably surprise herself with what she could accomplish if she could manage to try and I tyhink one day she will; when she's found a way to manage her fears. I don't judge her for this, I totally understand it I was scared to death the first time I drove my car after the stroke... But I took some slow deep breaths and calmed myself and I did it. Now I stil l limit my driving to daylight hours, familiar places and good weather driving days but I also take taxi's to and from OT and PT by myself. It makesme feel great& independent and I love that so believe me I totally get and apreciate your joy at traveling alone on the bus.You're already doing hard and scary things. you should be feeling really proud of yourself. I had a get real Ory talk with myself one day. I had gone to the movies with my sister and my son. We caught a taxi dwntown oto the theater, got out and eventually went to see our movie. I didn't need any help going down the stairs, walking to the curb or getting into or out of the car I did all these things to get into my husbands car tons since the stroke So it hit me one day, why can't I just get into a taxi by myself? The only real reason was my frear at being alone that and the what if's.... Whsat if I fall...? What if I hav to open a door...?Well I fortunately haven't had falls at all and when I was an inpatient my pt taught me how to get up off th floor, if I did fall one day. So I knew, worse case scenario, even if I fell I could get up without help. Iprayed and ignored all the what if's and I decided Im sure I can call a taxi, walk out to meet it and open the door. I can tell the driver where Im going and go. So I did. It did worlds for my self esteem and now, the more I do it the more like 'me' I fel and that's great ! I celebrate you for taking that trip :o) that was brave :o)You've got lots of fight in you. use it to carry you through all of these difficulties. Just be patient with yourself and do't expect to rush the process, no matter how much we all wish we'd just be better already it's going to take time. I used to feel like, "come on I became paralyzed in an instant for no good reason, why can't I just get better in an instant but... no such luck. My 1 year anniversary is fast approaching and I'm stressed about not being further along than I am :o| but all I can do is keep at it I beg you to do the same. Take more safe travels alone, it'll help you feel independent and good about yourselfand that will hopefully refill your tank to keep at it. Can you try telling your therapists that you'd like some privacy during your session. I hate being eyeballed wrecklessly but it happens all the time :o| I just ignore them but I always think," go ahead get an eyefull. If you had to deal with moving through the world in my body, you'd probably stay home and hide. But I'm not hiding punk!@" and I do say punk in my head because it makes me chuckle. The staring is seriously rude and annoying so other than ignoring them I mock them in my head and laugh to myself. Just know you're not struggling alone I'm struggling with you and lots of other folks too and all the blood, sweat and tears you're losing in this fight will be worth it in the end. Stay up and if you need a recovery break, take one :o) Preferably one that requires a short bus trip :o) please kee in touch

Link to comment

You go girl. Taking a mini vacation to visit a friend all by yourself. You've given me and idea to take a bus up to Ohio and visit my friends and family. I am unable to drive long distances,and go by myself. I also have depth-perception. As for your OT/PT. Your being paranoid.Ok it's bothering you, I understand but the situation is coming from the ego eyes. You are a child of God. You have vision - mind. Look at those people you described as monkeys. Give yourself a good laugh, and have all the monkeys wondering what you are laughing about. remembertolaugh, Jeanniebean

Link to comment

Caged: you got a wealth of wonderful advice here. However, I am one of the "lookey Loos". Know why? I am looking for tips to help Bruce. Try thinking about it from the other side. They are not criticizing, they are looking for direction for their own. You are an inspiration! Debbie

Link to comment

I am with Debbie. I watch....not to make you nervous... but, because i am hoping to pick up tid bits that i can use on William.

 

I am so proud of you. Traveling on your own. You did well.

 

Ruth

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.