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cognitive orts


leese

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This public blogging thing might be a mistake on my part This could be my stroked equivalent of drunk dialing. Too much time on my hand(s) and skewed emotions aren't the best combo unless I were a brilliant creative type, which I'm not. But venting to an anonymous audience that knows firsthand some of the things I'm encountering, is too much to resist. Thank you for your patience ahead of time.

leese

 

About the lability... Last week, I was meeting a casual friend at the museum to see the new Mammoth/ mastodon exhibit. Since the stroke I don't do much without a plan. I mean, I list, I google map my route, I call, I double check everything. I've been to the museum twice since I had the stroke. I thought I had it all figured out. The rules about parking, the schematic of the building and where I needed to go, prices...I was set. It all went as planned until I emerged from the underground parking and expected as before, for security to usher me left through an inner door into the museum. I asked the guard behind the window desk If I could go through and he said I needed to go right and enter through the outside museum front entrance. Oh...how far is that? About half a block....ok, I not going to claim handicap status, and I'll do it...and here is where I get *beep* at this liability bulls**t. I immediately start thinking...stairs? railings? damn, I left my coat in the car...heavy doors? busy? ...ok, just do it, don't whine,...it's a challenge.. it's no big deal...you'll feel great when you get in the front door...shut-up and move. And the leaking eye stuff starts as soon as a gust of wind hits me across the expanse of imperfect roughly textured flagstone open territory ahead. and I feel vulnerable and angry at myself for being such a wuss and my eyes are still leaking and I think I'll have time to get complete control by the time I get to the front. Then about 20 yards later, I hear 'ma'am!' from the security guard who has come outside after no doubt realizing the miscommunication when he saw me shambling away. damn...control...stop leaking!and the wheelchair offers begin and I can't talk because the words are stuck in my throat...and I'm mortified by this display that is everything that I am not and become someone's work anecdote for the day.and...I was going the wrong way once I went outside. arg.

 

In the scheme of things, this is no big whoop...and I need to get past giving a damn about the emotions that are triggering it and/or the results when they happen. Finer compartmentalization skills? Take up Tequila? EST?One armed boxing lessons? Aversion therapy?Not avoidance..no..no..no..I will not avoid every possible unknown encounter more than I already do by my obsessive planning...oh, and this was the second time I got emotional at the museum. The first time I got lost and was anxiety ridden late. Then there was a concert hall(bravo Duke Ellington Orchestra, btw) when I realized I was unable to sidle past legs to get to my ticketed seat and the aisle felt like a cliff walk and I was going to have to ask people to move and be the focus of attention.. gah. I'm reasonably articulate and polite and engage strangers without qualms in other situations. and I'm embarrassed about being embarrassed and wonder if this is some version of self loathing or denial or distrust of the world to be kind when I'm not invulnerable.

 

 

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Great blog :o) It was like a good movie... it'll make you laugh... it'll make you cr; although I only cried a little. I mostly just related completely. I've been having a bit of a rough dy and I think to cope I've been shoving my real feelings into a quiet corner in my brain whil focusing on putting on my "I'm ok face. Well, sometimes I'm not ok and I need to cry a little... just a little so it does't get to overwhelm me. After a few good boo hoo's I can usually pull myself together to face whatever I have to fac fir the day. thanks fir posting you enabled ne to face my stuff and let the stupid cry out already. If you've seen my blogs here befe=re you'll know I;m usually hopeul and very positive. I'm still hopeful and positive but I am alsp o tired of living like this I'm disappointed that my 1 yearanniversary is coming up and Im not further along I'm sure I've been in a plateau for a while andit's really trying to break me but I'm no wuss so I'm not going to let it. I'm convinced I will recover to very near normal I'm just not convinced that this recovery will come in tim to save my job/career/ sanity. Gotta ball a little and get over myself.. but thanks fir writing.I've been there and I canrelate. Its so hard facing all of our stuff but I hope you're proud of doing what you want to do amd not being further parayzed by the fear. that's a great thing and it takes real guts. you are no wuss :o)

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leese:

 

welcome to wonderful world of blogging. If you keep at it I have found blogging very therupetic for my soul. I give 100% credit to my blogging to reach at my accetance stage faster. There is life after stroke but you have to work hard to reclaim your life back

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Hey leese, welcome to the blog community. Settle down, write what you feel, you are among friends.

 

I am a caregiver and must confess that I cried a lot for the first six months after Ray's major strokes, I cried for him, for me, for us, for our friends and family. I cried because I felt helpless to do what I wanted so badly to do to "save him".

 

I can relate to having to go outside again, I did a Museum trip with teenagers and a broken ankle, same scenario, they had moved the entrance. Hobbled around the block in pain.

 

As Asha says, blogging it out is therapeutic.

 

Sue.

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Great blog ohmy.gif) It was like a good movie... it'll make you laugh... it'll make you cr; although I only cried a little. I mostly just related completely. I've been having a bit of a rough dy and I think to cope I've been shoving my real feelings into a quiet corner in my brain whil focusing on putting on my "I'm ok face. Well, sometimes I'm not ok and I need to cry a little... just a little so it does't get to overwhelm me. After a few good boo hoo's I can usually pull myself together to face whatever I have to fac fir the day. thanks fir posting you enabled ne to face my stuff and let the stupid cry out already. If you've seen my blogs here befe=re you'll know I;m usually hopeul and very positive. I'm still hopeful and positive but I am alsp o tired of living like this I'm disappointed that my 1 yearanniversary is coming up and Im not further along I'm sure I've been in a plateau for a while andit's really trying to break me but I'm no wuss so I'm not going to let it. I'm convinced I will recover to very near normal I'm just not convinced that this recovery will come in tim to save my job/career/ sanity. Gotta ball a little and get over myself.. but thanks fir writing.I've been there and I canrelate. Its so hard facing all of our stuff but I hope you're proud of doing what you want to do amd not being further parayzed by the fear. that's a great thing and it takes real guts. you are no wuss ohmy.gif)

 

I sometimes visualize this stroke and recovery as an endless amusement ride...one of the big old wooden coaster behemoths, rather than the newer sleek marvels. and, although I would rather see everyone safely on the ground waving at me, in an otherwise empty chain of cars; I'm very thankful for company through all the turns, drops and monotonous climbs. Thanks for telling me you're on the same ride, it helps.

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leese:

 

welcome to wonderful world of blogging. If you keep at it I have found blogging very therupetic for my soul. I give 100% credit to my blogging to reach at my accetance stage faster. There is life after stroke but you have to work hard to reclaim your life back

 

Thanks! Maybe I'll get into here more with the feeling that I'm communicating with others rather than just myself.

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Hey leese, welcome to the blog community. Settle down, write what you feel, you are among friends.

 

I am a caregiver and must confess that I cried a lot for the first six months after Ray's major strokes, I cried for him, for me, for us, for our friends and family. I cried because I felt helpless to do what I wanted so badly to do to "save him".

 

I can relate to having to go outside again, I did a Museum trip with teenagers and a broken ankle, same scenario, they had moved the entrance. Hobbled around the block in pain.

 

As Asha says, blogging it out is therapeutic.

 

Sue.

Thanks Sue. My husband has a harder time with my stroke and the losses, than I do. Or so it seems. Or maybe he is just able to let it out better and mine is confined to dribs and drabs of tears. It's not easy being on any end of this.

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Leese: Welcome to our world. Your blog was great. My first year after stroke was almost daily tears and my husband can't take me crying 'cause he can't fix me. S..t

I can't fix me! Last week I was getting out of the car when a massive dust devil (I live in Tucson) came and dumped about a ton of debris on me and inside my car. I was going to a stroke support group, so dusted myself off the best I could, pulled my walker out of the car and went! Another gentleman there picked the rest of stuff out of my hair. My wonderful husband cleaned my car after I got home. I didn't evey cray..I just said OH S...t. And I was proud I got to the meeting which is only 6-1/2 miles away but the farthest I've driven alone since last August. Progress, not perfection. Hurray :Clap-Hands: Hugs Leah

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Leese: Welcome to our world. Your blog was great. My first year after stroke was almost daily tears and my husband can't take me crying 'cause he can't fix me. S..t

I can't fix me! Last week I was getting out of the car when a massive dust devil (I live in Tucson) came and dumped about a ton of debris on me and inside my car. I was going to a stroke support group, so dusted myself off the best I could, pulled my walker out of the car and went! Another gentleman there picked the rest of stuff out of my hair. My wonderful husband cleaned my car after I got home. I didn't evey cray..I just said OH S...t. And I was proud I got to the meeting which is only 6-1/2 miles away but the farthest I've driven alone since last August. Progress, not perfection. Hurray Clap-Hands.gif Hugs Leah

"progress not perfection"

Thank you for that phrase. Really. That just resonated with me and hit on what I think the crux of the problem is, for me. Besides this silly stroke , I mean *eye-roll at self*

My thought is that we bring our issues and baggage into this recovery if we are fortunate enough to retain that part of ourselves. For the better and for the worse. Things for which we had lifelong coping strategies, are now on steroids with the libality(picture the Hulk ripping his shirt off his green torso). For me, 'perfectionism' has always been both a problem and an advantage in some ways.Upon reflection I realize it's from much ridicule in my home growing up. I learned to do things very well if I was doing them in front of others. Perfection seeking was my coping response to manipulate other peoples behavior. Holy Crud! I can fix this. A day late and a dollar short, but I can work on this in a healthy way this time. Because quite frankly; I'm mostly grown up now and haz skillz. : )

Thank you Leah for that epiphany and the comfort and humor in the rest of your reply.

Sincerely,

Lisa

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Hugs Leese

 

I so understood exactly where you were and what was going on. I do the obsessive planning and whenever possible, bribe, cajole, threaten or beg one of the kids to go with me (they seem to take best to bribery, by the way rolleyes.gif ).

 

I've gotten past most of the crying for no reason at all thing, but I live withthe panic, the "leaking," frustration and all of that, still. Sam has a great way of dealing with me some times.

 

When we went to the Ren Fair, a couple of weekends ago, I had no idea which way we had been, were going, or where anything was. This is a place we go annually, for a decade, together and I am always the one who knows exactly where we are at any minute. I love Sam, but he is an adult with pretty pronounced ADD and has almost no directional skills. He drives by GPS.

 

Sam just took my arm and said, "well, we have a service dog with us. Let him lead the way!" SO we wandered around aimlessly and eventually located where we wanted to be.

We dealt with the mulch and uneven ground by taking our time and if I stumbled, he caught me and made a joke about my not being able to keep myself out of his arms. He's good like that.

 

I think weall have days whee no matter how hard we try, we end up feeling a little defeated by the world. Luckily, we all have each other to say "yeah, I've been there too. It's ok."

 

That seems to help the most.

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