lailyn Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Hello i am new here and looking for some support. I am a 23 year old mother of 4kids under 6 and a granddaughter to a stroke survivor that i have been helping my mother in law take care of for three years. In march my mother in law had a stroke (second one in the family in 3 years) and passed away. I have been taking care of grandma sence then. She has 4 children who cannot take care of her due to their own health reasons or work. I am overwhelmed with the demands of this. She has no use of the left side of her body and needs to be transfered to the commode, bed wheelchair anywhare. she is completly immobile. I have no support system. I can't even find anyone to watch the kids while I take grandma to the doctors or vise versa. She is on diasbiliuty due to previous heart trouble and doesn't qualify for medicaid so help from a professinal is not an option sence she has no money. I don't know how to convince her children and other grandchildren that i can't do this alone. I need help! All i ever get is i can't i'm sorry please i need advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Hi and Welcome to the site. So sorry to hear of what you're experiencing and that you have no assistance. Have you contacted Dept of Health and Senior Services in MO - http://www.dhss.mo.gov/AAA/index.html It is admirable what you are doing for her, but not fair to you or your own family. You may need to call a family meeting to discuss all the options available. If you cannot get family to assist you, the only option might be to have her placed in a nursing home if family will not help. You mention she does not qualify for medicaid - does she have medicare? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I don't want this to sound harsh or uncaring, because I'm a caregiver. I don't know whether you are being paid for your caregiving or not, but you should be. You love your grandmother, that is for certain - however, she is not your responsibility unless you are a paid aide. She has children and THEY should take responsibility for her care. It sounds as though this is your husband's grandmother? (I know we take on our spouse's family as our own.) You, my dear, are being taken advantage of. You are to be admired for doing what you are doing, however, it is time for her children to take over the responsibility they have easily transferred to you. You can do the research to see what kind of assistance is available then present it to the family as a way of announcing that you are no longer able to provide the caregiving duties that have been given you. They can help with their mom - they have made the choice to allow you to do the caregiving for them. I'm assuming you live with her, so you should be ready to make other living arrangements if that is the case. On the other hand, if you tell them the situation clearly they may just understand their responisibility. As caregivers we all come to the conclusion that we must care for ourselves because it is very comfortable for others for us to be in the position of caring for their loved one. Their responsibilities are always going to come first and maybe there is someone here who has a different experience, but in the long run we have all found that unless we are proactive in looking out for ourselves no one else is going to do it...... The frosting on this cake is that your four children need you to be a mom, and I know how much time and energy caregiving takes. Even though you are 23 years old, the caregiving OR the children are exhausting - not to mention both. Good luck to you and please keep us posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kanderson Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 hi there and welcome to the site. i too am sorry to hear of all you are trying to deal with right now. i think you are overwhelmed and are gonna burn out soon. caregiving is not an easy job. you need help. its terrible her family won't help you out. isn't she their responsibility. out of the kindness of your heart you were helping out your mother in law care for this lady if i understand your post correctly. i would look into donna's suggestion, or the church maybe for help. i would tell her family they have to come up with a solution. you have a life too. will her neighbors help out maybe. otherwise a nursing home might be the only choice. this is a terrible situation and her family is not stepping up to the plate. of coarse people are busy with work and their own lives. but come on. they could work out something. i hope you find a solution soon. maybe her doctor has some ideas, or a hospital social worker could help you. let us know what you find out. good luck and god bless you for all you are doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailyn Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 she had medicare but dhss said she has to many assets in the form of her 2 life insurance policies I spoke with a caseworker and an elder law attorney and they said they way around that was to make the funeral home the first benificiary on one of the life insuance policies with her children as the second. That would cut her assets down to the allowed limit, prepay her funeral and still let her keep the other policy the way it is. When I spoke to her children about this they didn't like that idea. If she was recieving medicaid I could be paid 10.00hr through services for independent living for being her caretaker. And recieve help with respite care. I handle her day to day care money dr apt everything. She pays me 150 a month out of her disability but that is all she has left after her bills and personal needs. When i mentioned a nursing home they said she couldn't afford it. I am to the point of telling her children some mean things. I feel like the only option they have left me is to drop her off on there door step. which would probably put me in jail for elder abuse. I just don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Question for you - do you/your hubby have a power of attorney over her financial affairs, does someone else or is she able to control her finances herself. Hate to be mean but it sounds like the family just wants the money when she passes away and heck with what she needs now. That's a darn shame they are being like that. If someone has power of attorney, they need to step up to the plate and assist you in the decision making. If she is capable, sit and talk with her and let her know the current situation cannot go on indefinitely. If you burn-out or develop health problems, who will help her then and who will care for your family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailyn Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 no one has power of attorney I help her handle her money. I have talked to her and she doesn't get it. Can i get in legal trouble if i drop her off with her own children? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 You'd need to ask an attorney that one. If she understand everything else, she might not be "getting it" on purpose as she doesn't want to go to a nursing home. What you could do is take her to visit area nursing homes (but preview them first to make sure they'd be good for her. Perhaps once she she went to see one, her views would change if it was really nice there. Change is hard. My Grandma had to go and live at a nursing home as there were no family who could care for her - at first she was very angry but adjusted fairly quickly considering as stubborn and set in her ways she was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mema Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Where is your husband in all this? He can't be too happy about the situation. Since you are not legally responsible for this person, you have every right to take her to one of her children. What are these people thinking? If they want you to continue looking after her, then they should come up with the money to pay you a decent wage and figure out a way for you to have some time off. Maybe they don't understand what you are doing and you need to explain it to them. It is possible they think everything is O.K., because their mother tells them so. I hope you get some help soon. Vi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kanderson Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 this is a terrible situation, you should be commended for what you are doing. that family needs a wakeup call. i would contact the elder abuse line and see what your options are. this woman has been dumped on you it appears. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srademacher Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 You mentioned that no one in this case has "power of attorney." If that is the case, I would get that power of attorney and make the decisions that were suggested by the Elder Care Attorney. If the rest of the family doesn't want to step up to the plate, they have no business making decisions on her behalf. If it's all in your lap to do so, you do what is best for the Grandma, yourself and your family and if any of them disagree or question it because they may not get their full inheritance, you remind them who did all the work caring for Grandma. Your local senior center may have power of attorney forms, or you may be able to get them online by searching through google. If you can't find one, PM me and I can forward one via email to you. You probably need both a regular Power of Attorney for financial and legal issues and a Durable Medical Power of Attorney to make healthcare decisions on her behalf. Without either of those, you could run into real problems with the rest of the family. Sarah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bessy Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 i whole heartly agree wiyth everyone else you have become the i can do person inthis situatiuon start slackingoff andletting others pick up and help you dont want to stretch youtrself to thin. for you haveyourown family to care for aswell yes by all means look into apower of attorney aswell as callingyourlocal hospital andobtaining a living will thatoutlines every little detail so glasd you foundthis littlepieceof heaven we call strokenet this sitree has becomesecond nature to my selfifnot formy kidsfinding it formei would have thrown inthetowel long ago. but this site has keptme going so glad you came upon stroke net hope you can make it to a :chat: some timevery very soon to meet the group so pop onin any time therese some one thatson line to chat with hope you look atmore things that strokenetr has to offer blogs :chats making new found :friends: since comming to strokenet my qualityof life has inproved meetingthose that have been there done that so once again :welcome: so strokenet now thativeadded my :2cents: in ill be watching and waiting for you to comeonto a :chat: BESSY :big_grin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 In addition to power of attorney you may need to become her legal guardian, which would require that she be delared incompetent to handle her own affairs. I think you are in a real mess. I don't know how you could be held liable by taking her to one of her children and walking out. That isn't elder abuse, it is elder care. You aren't able to care for her any longer and you are taking her to one of her children. Of course, you should speak with the social services department about the situation. I doubt you have the money to hire an elder attorney to do much work for you and I'm not so sure it is even your responsibility to do so. What was the reason her children didn't want to find a way to take care of their mother? Let me just say this.....When I pay someone to come in and care for my husband I pay from $15 - $17 per hour. I think paying you $150/month is abuse of YOU. You have choices and I hope you will find the courage to take care of yourself. You are young and I believe the family is taking great advantage of you. I think they must also have been taking advantage of your mother in law and felt very comfortable doing so. I certainly don't know whether you would get in any kind of legal problem with turning over care of this woman to her children, but I think it is time for another discussion with the dept of social services again. They are there to help this woman and I'm sure a social worker could intervene. Good luck, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilkinson Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I think it is time for a family conference. And a reminder to all the family that as a primary caregiver you need to call the shots and that means that they put their names down to do some of the caring and give you some time off or they pay a care worker to come in and relieve you. Those who are working can either give their time or give you some money to be spent on transport. Some could maybe pay a housekeeeper for a couple of hours a week etc. With all you have to do with your kids as well it is too much for one person to do. It is true that unless you make threats like you will drop her off outside a nursing home some people will just let you go on doing the heavy work and ignore their own responsibilities. We see it all the time here, one person with all the work but everyone coming running just before the will is read. Here in Australia we would be able, in some circumstances, to draw against an insurance policy to get the help a disabled person needs so you might contact the insurance company to see if they would allow that to happen so you can get a care worker in occassionally. With all your responsinbilities maybe a shower nurse two or three times a week so you don't have to do that yourself might help. Sue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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