FAMILY STRESS....you got it at your house?

[jriva]

Hi Eveyrone,

 

In the book LIVING WITH STROKE, there is an interesting section titled Stroke Stress Analysis where the authors list nine sentences that sums up all the different ways that stress exhibits itself in families of sroke survivors. If you are a caregiver, which of the nine items listed below do you indentify with the most? If you are a survivor, do you see your spouse/family in any of the sentences below? Family stress....let's get a dialogue going!

 

 

Jean :wub:

 

1) PANIC: "Ohmigod, I can't handle this!'

2) ANXIETY: "What if he needs me in the middle of the night and I can't hear him."

3) DENIAL THAT LEADS TO OVEROPTIMISM: "Oh, he'll be fine. He just needs to come home."

4) IRRITABILITY AND ANGER: "It's all the rehabilitation team's fault!"

5) FRUSTRATION: "I can't stand one more thing going wrong!"

6) FATIGUE: "I'm utterly, completely exhausted from the experience."

7) HOPELESSNESS AND HELPLESSNESS: "What's the use? Nothing's going to change."

8) GUILT: "How can I be so angry at him? It's not fair."

9) AMBIVALENCE: "I don't know how I feel anymore. I can't make a decision about anything."

[Guest hostjerri]

Okay here's my take on it:

 

1) PANIC: "Ohmigod, I can't handle this!' If I can't, who will?? So I do.

2) ANXIETY: "What if he needs me in the middle of the night and I can't hear him."

This one is my fear ~ so far, it hasn't happened yet ~ I'm a light sleeper anyway. I can't stay awake my entire life (nor sit & stare at him waiting for something bad to happen).

3) DENIAL THAT LEADS TO OVEROPTIMISM: "Oh, he'll be fine. He just needs to come home." I stopped floating down that river in Egypt a LONG time ago!

4) IRRITABILITY AND ANGER: "It's all the rehabilitation team's fault!" Oh plaaeeeseee.......those teams work incredibly hard to get survivors back into the world again.

5) FRUSTRATION: "I can't stand one more thing going wrong!" Wouldn't dare say this ~ one more thing WOULD go wrong ~ who needs that?

6) FATIGUE: "I'm utterly, completely exhausted from the experience." Yeah, but I'm not dead! I only do what I have to do for the time being. I can sleep when he's better. I don't expect things to stay the same as they are now.

7) HOPELESSNESS AND HELPLESSNESS: "What's the use? Nothing's going to change." The only thing that remains constant is change.

8) GUILT: "How can I be so angry at him? It's not fair." Who ever said life was fair? Are you truly angry at them or actually at the stroke that happened without asking anyone's permission, first? Anger can be healthy if used in the right direction. Guilt is useless.

9) AMBIVALENCE: "I don't know how I feel anymore. I can't make a decision about anything." Then accept the decisions that others make and live with the results good or bad but why would you want to give that much power over your life to others???

 

:P

 

Aunt tilly

[jriva]

Hi Tilly,

 

Thanks for sharing! For me, I've experienced several of this classic symptoms of stress over the past four years.

 

2) ANXIETY: - "What if he needs me during the night?" Heck, he DID need me during the night for the first couple of years! And in the middle of the morning, afternoon and evening hours, too.

 

4) IRRITABILITY AND ANGER: - I was angry at the stroke (never at Don) probably for a year before acceptance kicked in and I was irritable from not getting enough sleep probably for the first three years. But sleepless is still an off again and on again problem.

 

6) FATIGUE: - This was a biggie for me the first three years because in addition to running around to rehabs and doctors I dealt with the extra work load of having to do all the things it takes to keep ours lives moving forward where before that job list was split in half. Also I do all the driving now (and I hate to drive) so I have to go everywhere my husbands has to go in addition to the normal errands a family needs done. And the details of downsizing lives from two houses, a couple of businesses, lots of material possessions and a bunch of vehicles just about killed me! (Anyone out there know how to start a front end loader?---I had to learn a lot of things I'd just as soon not know). Juggling the finances, moving twice, designing a new house, and the endless hours of helping with speech homework all have put their mark on my fatigue map. Plus trying to hold on to things that my husband will never use again, but what would have broken his heart to part with (or given him another stroke) caused countless hours of work and anxiety---we have a 12 by 25 foot storage unit full of heart breakers.

 

Is there anyone else out there who can identify with any of these nine stress symptoms? How is stress showing its ugly head at your house? Survivors and caregivers, gives your numbers....!!!

 

Jean :wub:

[spokangie]

Wow....This is a good one....

 

I can relate to all of these and it has only been a year..

 

1) Panick>..........Sheeshh... that is all I did for the first six months. Same question. Am I going to be able to take care of things...Where do I start.

I have survived the painick and thing are being taken care of...

 

2) Anxiety>.... What if he needs me during the night...I only had concerns when he was in the rehab, those days I went home. When he had a bad day I would stay with him that night too... Many nights of sleeping on a lounge chair.. It sounds better than it iss,,

. I had nothing but anxiety caused by his family. I was terrified that I was going to be cast aside and that my husband was going to be taken away from me.. Everyt time the phone rang or the doorbell sounded I wondered if it was one of them coming to gloat.. My heart would pound from fear when they were in the same room with us.. Untill the mess of Guardianship was droped I hardly slept, I cried most of the time fearing the worst.

Even now they try and intimidate me with threats. I have to keep in touch with them, they tell me. If not they can do something about it.. How dare you

You are in my house and threatening me, causing me more anxiety and fear..

To this day I still get the feeling when they walk in the room. I cant help but wonder if they are up to something.. What are they planing to do now...

It is useless to try and express my feelings with them, they are close minded and wont' listen to me.. Yes the anxiety is still there just not as bad...

 

The only anxiety that I have now is waiting for the next seizure to happen.. When he has a bad day and a bad night, I become over vigilant. I used to watch his every mover like a hawk,, probably annoying as hell to him. I am learning to realx now that he has had 8 seizures.. Now I look at it if is going to happen there is nothing I can do to prevent it from happening..But I can be there to make sure he gets proper care...

 

 

3) Iritable and Anger? I have been and still sometimes irritable, mostly from lack of sleep...Sleep is something of a luxury still for me.. Part of life, deal with it...

Anger... Never at him.. At God? Yes... Even though it was not his fault neither.. No one is to blame for his stroke.. In his family it is herditary.. His mother passed away from multiple strokes and heart attacks...

Angry at his family for causing us unneeded stress and heartache,, You betchaa But even them I have forgiven.. I don't plan to live by anger, disapointment , Yes,, Anger ,, No..

I know where I am going to be come judgment day {angel}

Angry at life in general not understanding why is this happening.. I am sure a question that many of us had asked in the begining...

 

4) Ah Good ol Fatigue... From the day that he came from the Reahab to now... It does not stop.. differs from day to day.....

Days can go by that I feel finally some rest..Then Bam!!!!!!!!!! it comes back.

I like others had to take care of all our financial affairs... But before anyone would talk to me I had to send them a Power of Attorney Ya, Ya I know,, those are the rules...

We had two wehicles, had to sell one and trade the other so that I can transport him.. I asked his sons to help, they don't like talking to salesmen UHMMM.

And I do.. Statistics tell you that when a woman goes to do any deal she gets screwed over by well meaning salesmen... I managed to sell the vehicle for less than what we owed on it.. Trading our truck for a minivan was a disaster..

Then all of a sudden he gets it in his head he wants to sell the house.. Ok.. It goes on the market,, three months later it is sold.. Start planning a move,,Where ??? Lets move to the coast to be close to my family,,HMMM... Sounds easy eonugh, all we have to do is go and find a place there.. The coast>> : rofl Where the houses are outragiously priced...Ok find a place to rent.. All time consuming and impossible from here.. Plan a trip to go and look.. Can't he gets car sick and another seizure hits. In hospital for three days..

Had enough decide to call of trip and find a place here.. Does not want to rent wants to by.. Find a house that wont' need too much work and is accessible to him.. Easier said than done..Meanwhile our closing date is approaching fast and no place yet.. We finally settled on renting at the last minute and here we are now.. Wishing that we bought.. And of course we also have 12x20 storage full of his stuff that I have no idea what to do with,, Tools that he had just bought to renovate the house we had to sell . We managed to sell of our new tractor lawn mower at a loss, my belowed hot tub ,O, ..

How about getting all the papers ready for his retirement and SSI dissability.. Endless trail of papework.. Thank God I had help with some... Then Tax time came,, that was another chore..

I am still wondering and hoping I haven't missed something..

Thank God that part is over now.. I have learned to do things when I can or want to,, If something does not get done, Oh well , there is another day..

I have a sign in my house that has a saying on it.

"My house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy"

oh and another one,, I like this one,, " Bless this Mess" **Happy Dance**

 

I am learnig to live for tommorow now,, what was will never be the same..

I deal with things as they come to the bes of my abilities..

I am accepting more help but will not beg for it..

I am looking for more avenues that will make our new way of life more bearable.

I am more tolerant, I dont' let things get to me as much as I used to.

 

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR

hugs to all {{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[gonkerette]

Hi,

My husband who is my caregiver and myself the stroke patient have been through all of this. He is the best caregiver since I had my first stroke last feb and this one this feb. He works a hard physical job, worries day and night about me and helps and does whatever he can. He did find emotionally until last week when he had some worries, but didn't want to discuss them as to fear of upsetting me. I finally got him to tell me as his health and well being are just as important as mine and no one should take a back seat. We agreed now to always talk as it is more frustrating for me to know something is wrong but won't tell me. We know each other too well. We always are able to talk, and after we discussed it we both felt better. He is always worried more stress will cause me to have more problems.I tell him what is meant to be is meant to be and to let go, but it is extremely challenging sometimes for both of us. My brother never visits and once in a while his wife will send a card for a birthday etc and my sister is a nightmare in itself as she is unfortunately a drug addict and doesn't want help. My parents have each had three strokes and are not well at all. For some reason my children are avoiders when I am not well. I raised them as a single parent and back then mom never got sick, so I think it is the fact they aren't used to it and they have never been around people who have had strokes. Family matters a lot and thank goodness my husband is super and should win a super caregiver award. I don't know where I would be without him!

[swilkinson]

1) PANIC: "Ohmigod, I can't handle this!' I think I did a lot of this as Ray went from crisis to crisis in the six weeks that followed the two major strokes in 1999. I was nearly 1000kms from home and the doctors kept putting papers under my nose to sign. He had two strokes, stomach ulcers, pulmonary embolisms, arrythmia, breathing difficulties. At one stage no thought of him ever getting out of bed on his own. I was panic stations for most of that six weeks.

 

2) ANXIETY: In the past seven years there have been a lot of anxious moments but I haven't been in a state of anxiety all the time, thank goodness.

 

3) DENIAL THAT LEADS TO OVER-OPTIMISM: "Oh, he'll be fine. He just needs to come home." I think we had some of this from the family. Include here :"You'll be able to cope Mum, you always do."

 

4) IRRITABILITY AND ANGER: I often misplace the anger I feel. Everything from blaming myself for the last couple of strokes ( I should have taken better care of him) to blaming Ray for getting diabetes because he didn't eat regular meals! It is hard to accept sometimes that genes, environment, time constraints etc sometimes over-ride our ability to control what is happening to our own body or the bodies of our loved ones. Irritability is something Ray has to live with from me, I get over-worked, I get stressed, I get irritable, end of story. :bop:

 

5) FRUSTRATION: "I can't stand one more thing going wrong!"not to mention all the other frustrations of being a caregiver, like standing in line for everything you need with a wheelchair-bound person with a shopping basket on their knees, to finding an able bodied person leaping out of a car parked in the last disabled person's parking space, to having appointments dated way out, cancelled, re-booked, over-booked etc. to just all the nitty-gritty every day annoyances of life.

 

6) FATIGUE: "I'm utterly, completely exhausted from the experience." Says it all really about some days. But on others I am full of energy and on top of things. I try to avoid getting over-tired as this just makes everything seem worse than it really is.

 

7) HOPELESSNESS AND HELPLESSNESS: "What's the use? Nothing's going to change." I have this in small bursts, usually get over it pretty quickly though. I know "always" is a long time and "never" is too, so I usually know this is just a bad day and throw a small pity party for one.

 

8) GUILT: "How can I be so angry at him? It's not fair." It is true that blaming others and blaming yourself are both silly things to do but we are all human and all prone to feel guilty. I guess the answer is more to say:"Okay, I feel like this now but I will get over it." And then apologise if you need to.

 

9) AMBIVALENCE: "I don't know how I feel anymore. I can't make a decision about anything." If I had this one for long I'd be worried. Ambivalence leads to apathy. Apathy can lead to depression and that kind of inertia where nothing ever gets done. I don't want to go there.

 

Thanks for the list Jean. I don't know whether I feel better or worse now I've answered it. Hope that isn't a sign of ambivalence.

 

Sue.

 

 

[arogers]

AMBIVALENCE: "I don't know how I feel anymore. I can't make a decision about anything." If I had this one for long I'd be worried. Ambivalence leads to apathy. Apathy can lead to depression and that kind of inertia where nothing ever gets done. I don't want to go there.

 

Frighteningly close to where I am now. Sue, your post once again presented the feelings I've experienced - and experience on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.

 

Thank you all for sharing your experiences - and wisdom.

[dstraugh]

performing some recycling.....Donna MBM.

 

Give us something to think about and take stock in.