Am I so boring

[swilkinson]

I think I've recently fallen into a common trap for people dealing with an ongoing problem, I have become boring! My son has hinted about it a few times. Tonight he said it straight out: "Mum, your friends don't ring you up any more because all you can talk about is the latest thing happening to Dad. And that is boring."

 

I rushed into the bathroom and had a cry, stayed in there until I felt able to face the truth. I'd like to be abe to deny it but I know he is right. Each time Ray has another stroke I become obsessed with treatment, research, doctor's appointments etc. It is part of being a caregiver.

 

So when my friends ring me they ask:"And what have you been doing lately?" (This is usually well into the call after I have listened to all their chat.) And then I tell them!!

 

Help, Jean and other long term caregivers with some experience. How do I handle this? I don't want to be boring, and I don't want to lose my friends, the few that still stick with me. Please come up with something I can do to get me out of this trap.

[kbosworth]

Sue,

I think what you are describing is very normal. We tend to talk about what is going on in our lives and your life revolves around your husband right now. It's kind of hard to talk about the weather or the latest movie when all you can think about is his next treatment or your last doctor's visit.

 

When my life only consisted of my mother's stroke I started to write a journal. When people asked what I was up to, I told them some of the things that involved my mother and then said I was writing a book. That brought up a whole list of new topics to discuss.

 

I tried to be a good listener to what was happening in their life and slowly I really was interested in what they were doing. Although it's hard to get out sometimes it's also a good idea to get out to a movie or take a walk with a friend and make a conscious effort to discuss the movie or a book you are reading. It's hard to do but you can do it.

 

Your son was very brave to be honest with you. It's often difficult to tell someone you love a critical thing that might hurt. He must love you a lot. You are very wise to listen to him. Many people cannot take criticism very well and get defensive.

 

Good luck.

Kathy B

[Guest greyhe]

It's common for people to talk about what they deal with on an ongoing basis. The problem I had was that I was always asked "how's Kathy doing" instead of being asked the generic "anything new happening with you?".

 

You might want to really consider a hobby. Even if it's a flower garden, you'll be more prone to talk about something that brings you pleasure. People will talk about things that bring them pleasure, agrivation, or is affecting their lives as a general topic of conversation. If you had a hobby that brought you pleasure, then you'd just have to worry about it being something someone else will find boring .

 

Taking care of Ray is a big part of your life, as it should be. Just make a concious effort not to make it your entire life. Get some "me" time so you'll be a broader person.

 

Michael

[marlen]

SUE,

 

I'M NOT A CAREGIVER, BUT I'LL STICK MY TWO CENTS IN ANYWAY.

 

LOOK, WE ALL HAVE OUR PRIORITIES, YOURS IS RAY, SO BE IT. HEY, IF SOMEONE ASKS ME HOW I AM, I TELL 'EM. THEY TELL ME ABOUT THEIR WOES. YESTERDAY, I WAS WALKING TO THE BEACH WITH A NEIGHBOR, AND WE WERE JOINED FOR A WHILE BY A THIRD. I ASKED HOW HE WAS AND HE TOLD ME ABOUT HIS PROSTATE EXAM AND THAT THEY FOUND A LITTLE CANCER IN HIS BLADDER. I LISTENED.

 

I FIND THAT MY LIFE AND MY WIFE'S HAVE CHANGED BECAUSE OF THE STROKE. MY KIDS KNOW THE CONVERSATION AT SOME POINT WILL TURN TO DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENTS, THERAPY, OR GENERAL HEALTH ISSUES. YOUR SON'S REMARK WAS INSENSITIVE AND UNCALLED FOR.

 

I'VE BEEN WITH PEOPLE WHO AFTER YOU DISCUSS THE WEATHER, THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO, JUST TELL THEM YOUR BUSY HELPING RAY GET BETTER AND YOU'VE HAD TROUBLE SQUEEZING IN THE TORRID AFFAIR YOU'VE BEEN HAVING WITH THE BUTCHER IN THE SUPERMARKET. WATCH THEIR INTEREST PEAK.

 

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND DON'T BE A SHAMED OF DOING ONE OF THE TOUGHEST JOBS AROUND.......CAREGIVING

 

MARTY

[jriva]

 

Sue,

 

This is one of the double edged swords. On one side your whole life, at this point in time, revolves around your husband's health issues and his most recent stroke which was---what, only 6 months ago? What else does your son expect you to talk about? These issues are important issues in your life right now. And it's hard to focus on something like world news and polictics or hobbies when you are knee deep in health care issues to resolve. Getting phased back into to 'normal' conversation takes time and for me personally, that process didn't start that early in the caregiver game. It's all part of the acceptance process.

 

On the other side of the sword, our survivor's health is probably the single one thing people ask caregivers/spouses about when they first see us, putting us in a position to talk about it even if we have good intentions not to do so. For me, when asked I will give the highlights. If they are interested, they'll ask more questions. If not, then I turn it around and ask them a few questions about what is going on with them. I try to do as Kathy says and be a good listener. And Sue, you are already doing that when friends call before sharing what is going on with you.

 

As for blaming loss of friends on the myth/fact that "we've become boring" as caregivers---don't lay that guilt trip on yourself! When we loss friends often it's because we no longer have things in common. Relationships are based on a certain set of facts and when those facts change, regrettably some friendships don't hold up and we need to make new friends based on who we have become. This is something that happens our entire lives and some of those transitions are easier than others. For example, we change schools when we're little kids, go away to college, get married, have babies, change jobs, move far away, get long term disabilities---and with each life change we loss and gain friends. It's life.

 

Sue, I'm with Marty on this one: Hold your head up high and don't be ashamed of doing what comes naturally. Of course your son would like to have his old mom and dad back again the way you guys used to be BUT, in my opinion, he needs to grow up and realize that the carefree chit-chat is going to take a LOT of time to come back into your lives.

 

Jean

 

 

[Sudz]

Hi Sue

[marlen]

SUSAN,

 

COME ON GIRL, YOUR STEPPING ALL OVER THE ROSES INSTEAD OF SMELLING THEM. THE SENTENCE THAT BOTHERED ME WAS " I'M NO FUN ANYMORE AND I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT". MENTAL ABILITY HAS TO BE WORKED AT JUST AS MUCH AS PHYSICAL THERAPY. SITTING BACK AND WATCHING YOUR MARRIAGE GO POOF, OR WONDERING IF YOUR FRIENDS ARE STILL YOUR FRIENDS OR JUST HOPING YOU CAN LIVE IN THE PAST ARE COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE DO CARE ABOUT YOU. DON'T HIBERATE.

 

START BY BUYING A NEW PIECE OF CLOTHING, GETTING YOUR HAIR DONE, FIX THE MAKE-UP, AND GO OUT WITH HUBBY AND SOME FRIENDS. KNOCK 'EM DEAD WITH A NEW LOOK AND A NEW ATTITUDE.

 

DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE THIS WAY IF I HADN'T BOUGHT A NEW SHIRT, GOT A PERM, AND CHANGED MY LIPSTICK COLOR? OF COURSE NOT.

 

MARTY

 

 

[Guest kbrasher]

sue,

 

you ae NOT boring!!!!!!!! i challenge someone who hasn't had your struggle to think and speak of little else!!!!!! it's all consuming at this point in your life and i can say this, anyone insensitive enough to not stay your friend through these diffcult times were propbaby not a true friend anyway.

 

i have learned the hard and painful way during the last nearly two years, that friends i thought were friends are NOT, and many i didn't realize are my friends, really are true blue friends. at first it is painful, but a strange thing happens over time. you begin to realize that it is better to know who will stay by your side no matter what and build and rebuild bonds with those people and their love!!!!!!!

 

as for your son, that sounds like something i might have said to my mom at that age!!!!!! he'll come around i'd be willing to bet. also, like many others have said, ...."find a hobby, get some"me" time," and don't feel boring because you ae NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

 

love ya!

kim

[kristina38]

Susan, I think as caregivers we all tend to talk about what our lives now revolve around which is the loved one we are caring for. My fiance and I had almost the same conversation the other night about my talking about Mom's trials and tribulations and BM's etc. I'm so caught up in my responsibility that I sometimes forget not everyone wants a non stop discussion about ROM exercises and BM's lol...I've toned it down some and tend to just give him the highlights for the day now after he's had a chance to settle in after work. I realize now I was bombarding him with all my daily problems with Mom as soon as he walked in the door and all he really wanted was a beer and to sit down for 30 minutes. He's really been an angel and helps me with all the household chores, cooking and even grocery shopping so I'm trying to see things from his view as well. Also, let's face it, responsibility has never been "exciting" but it is neccessary at times in our lives. I'd say the best thing we can do is be self aware, vent when we need to and keep on going. It's hard feeling like you are "boring" and I fall into that trap as well. Then I realize I'm still the same fun person I was before but at this point in time being fun is not a priority, that's not to say that I won't be able to do that again in the future but right now my life calls for responsible, dependable, and nurturing not fun. I'm just now starting to venture out into the world again and try to have some small enjoyment here and there now that Mom is doing much better but it's been over two months since I've really left the house for more than an hour or so.

Kristina

[jriva]

 

Me, Again,

 

With all do respect to those who are suggesting a caregiver should "get a hobby" to keep from being "boring" I have to disagree with that premise. If you were saying, "get a hobby to keep from getting bored" then yes, I'd agree with that. I've always had hobbies and crafts in my life---tons of them from wood carving to quilting to building dollhouse furniture to silversmithing and dozens of others---and I don't recall any of them making me into an instant, interesting person who could keep my friends spell bound with "hobby talk."

 

Yes, caregivers eventually need to start taking some time our themselves and to phase things back into our lives that makes us feel 'normal' again. But it's totally unrealistic to expect that to happen at 6-12 months out from a stroke. At five years out from Don's stroke, it's still hard for me to concentrate on frivolous stuff. Where is the time for hobbies? Between all the specialists I have to take my husband to, there are the speech therapy sessions and homework, helping him with PT and OT. This month alone we have nine doctor appointments and when you haul a wheelchair bound guy around, that kills the whole day. Then there is the house, yard and car to take care of.

 

I'm really glad I don't have a son who tells me that I've gotten "boring!" I'd probably smack him and then order him to come sit with his dad more often. That way I'd have the time to go off sky diving so I'd have something more interesting to talk about. Myself and many other caregivers gave up most, if not all, of our hobbies and interests to keep our survivors out of nursing homes. I certainly had to make that conscious choice. To have someone label us "boring" for our efforts really gets under my skin! Boy, this subject is making me mad, so I'd better stop writing here.

 

Jean

[bstockman]

Hi Sue....boring? well I bet you don't have time to feel bored..

as Jean says, taking care of your loved one, dr's appointments, house, yard. etc...lucky you have time to go to the bathroom yourself.

Boring no..priorities..yes..

I think some people run away from any illness...it hits close to home and hey, this could happen to me and they don't want to face that fact and they don't know how to react.

like Jean says have you son sit with his dad so you can get out and have lunch or dinner with a girlfriend or get your hair done or just walk the mall and window shop.

No you are not boring you are realistic and have priorities.

Bonnie

[kbosworth]

Jean,

Don't get mad, just try looking at it from a different angle.

 

I personally see the son giving his mother a head's up as to why she is losing friends and people don't call like they used to. Before you go looking for the nearest hanging tree to string him up on, have you thought that maybe he was trying to be kind? Maybe he does help out with the care, maybe not. But I don't see honesty as a bad thing between parents and their kids.

 

Obviously there was a problem because she cared enough to post it here for opinions. I'm not saying that she doesn't have every right to be completely wrapped up in what is going on in her life. It's hard and almost everyone here knows that. But does it make people come over and call when you talk about the same thing 24/7? I don't think so. I think it's something that can apply to many, not only survivors and caregivers. I had a friend that hated her job and boss so much it was all she could talk about. It didn't take long before people stopped asking her what was new.

 

I'm trying to say that she came here because she honestly wanted to know what to do about becoming boring. It must be something she is trying to avoid. There are ways I think.

 

Just my two cents.

Kathy B

[jriva]

 

 

Kathy,

 

One of the great things about this website is that when someone has a problem and they post about it, they will get a variety of replies---all with a different points of view. In this particular thread, Sue will certainly be able to pick and choose the replies that seems to resonate with her. She might think you're absolutely right, she might think I've made some good points. The main thing is she has opinions to think about, weigh up and see if anything anyone has said rings true for her.

 

I stand by my earlier posts.

 

Jean

 

P.S. I've spend my entire life listening to people talk endlessly about their kids when I don't have any, and was often "bored" with their problems. I guess I just should have dropped those friends instead. We all go through different phases of life. Why should caregiving be any different than any other? It's what we do, but we can't talk about because it might bore people?

 

 

[minime45]

Sue,

I dont know if I can add anything new.

I remember saying when I was a few months post stroke I have become so boring all I talk about is stroke. At that point people were still asking me how I was and wanted to really know. My sons were asking why I came onto the message boards, all you talk about is stroke( I corrected them on that one- in chat I had my first lesson on football ).

 

For me gradually as I made progress I found I talked about it less and people asked less. Now the standard answer now is oh I'm fine.

 

It is a phase in your life you are going through.

Maybe if you mainly talk about Ray to your son he is finding it hard. If Ray cant comminicate as well as he could maybe your son is missing his consversation.

 

Having babies and children is like care giving- all consuming.

 

I have appreciated your comments, so you do have very valuable things to say

Take care

Mary

[jriva]

 

 

Me. Again.

 

I had more to say on this topic but I put it in my blog. Sandy has suggested that I need to put a shorter verison of that blog entry here in this thread. Instead of doing that, here's a link to follow to my blog. Look for the blog entry titled "Angry Rant" (written 9/7/05) if you care to read it. http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?autom...d=2183#comments

 

Jean

 

 

 

 

[swilkinson]

Hi all and many thanks for your comments, suggestions and self sharing thoughts.

I AM boring, when I get self involved, when I go into more detail than my old friends want to hear, when I think that without my constant help Ray will not survive and so I do not take that "me" time that I know I need.

Yep, Trev is both insensitive and caring. He lives here most of the time, sees me unhappy, tries to think of something to do about it. He gets it wrong a lot of the time but at least he tries. My other two kids do too, as much as they can given they both have young families. My daughter has other priorities at the moment and I miss her imput.

As you all know it is a lonely job being a caregiver sometimes. Even with some help from friends and family I am the primary caregiver and when Ray has another stroke (four months ago) and becomes high care again for a time he needs a lot of help. I fall into the busy caregiver role, feel swamped and become introverted, fully absorbed in his care.

Probably at this time, if old friends do ring, as one did the night I started this thread, I am totally involved in what we are currently doing - and BORING.

So what have I learned from you all? Well a makeover might help, so might a hobby (though like Jean I have had heaps over the years) probably some more education of sorts, even if it is only something to take my mind off my present situation. And appreciating what I have got. Ray turned 63 today.

Thanks for your support.

Sue.

[Guest greyhe]

If you've had hobbies in the past, then it's not necessary to get a new one. Just saying "I used to do this ....." can turn the tide of conversation.

 

When Kathy first got home and I talked to someone I had 3 topics of conversation. What was going on with Kathy, what was going on with my job, and what was going on with my online support group.

 

So I guess, I can be blaimed for being "boring" as well .

 

Don't sweat the small stuff, and focus on the bigger picture.

 

Michael

[shaylerobins]

Hi Sue,

 

Your true long time friends do not find you boring. They feel helpless that they can't ease your pain. They are so pained, they don't what to say. If you ask for help, they will be there for you. Just as we are here for you, your friends are here for you also.

 

Your situation is very stressful. Your husband has had several strokes over a short period of time. It's perfectly normal to be preoccupied. Your son and others in the family should give you break time to go out with your friends, take a walk, or just veg out.

 

My prayers are with you.

 

Shayle